I bought Christmas gifts for some people at the office, little things, like gift certificates and wine. I do this because I care and I want them to know that I appreciate them.
The problem with this is, I create an expectation. An expectation of a thank you or some other gesture (no, not a gift, in return). When this doesn't happen, I get upset. I feel rejected and just plain disappointed.
My therapist thinks I need to set my expectations lower and not be so "black and white" with things. This is so fucking hard to do, and today I felt like shit about someone not meeting my expectations.
Maybe this is a learning curve, I know that Darrin and Chris will never say thanks for the gifts I give them, I know Trevor will. But I still keep giving them, one becuase it makes me feel good, two, they sign my paycheck.
On the other hand, with the other people, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Yeah, I have been like this my entire life, Gordy calls it keeping score. I have really tried over the last 6 months to not be this way and the turmoil in my life has dramatically decreased. So why is it that this particular case is bothering me?
I'm not sure, but I need to just get over it. Life is way to short to worry about something as trivial as a thank you.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Family and the Holidays
Why is it that Christmas is supposed to bring families together and ends up tearing them apart?
I have been doing my best over the last few months to get over things that have happened to me in the past. I spent the better part of my life keeping my mouth shut, letting anger get the best of me. Not anymore. I have become more vocal about things that don't make me happy. I am not mean or cruel when I voice my opinion, but I try to get my point across like the adult that I am.
So here is the problem - I have a bull headed aunt who has two daughters just as bull headed. Unfortunately, none of them get along and none of them realize they are alike.
When we were kids, we would always spend Christmas Eve at my aunts house. This would be the one time of year that we would see the whole family together. Yes, this was always an entertaining evening. You never knew what would happen from year to year. Like the one time, it was so cold out that frost was accumulating on the inside of the windows of her old farm house. Or the year she had snow coming down the tree that looked the little balls inside of a bean bag chair. Yes, as much as we didn't want to go, we went and had a good time.
In the past few years, we went to my cousin Sherry's house. Again, an interesting experience. Potato salad that gave everyone food poisoning or discussing the free porn tapes Sherry's husband got from Chrissy's husband - Bill wanted Dvd and Mike gave him Vhs.
Two years ago Sherry decided that she didn't like our side of the family, so she stopped inviting us. Her excuse, she thought we didn;t stay long enough.
So this year, I thought I would be the bigger person and have the party at our house (Gordy wasn't real happy about this). So I called all the major players with the exception of Sherry (I wanted to wait, get the date set and then call her). Everything was planned for the Saturday before Christmas - then I got the call. Karen, Chrissy and Mike and their families would not be able to come, they all had to work.
I was really disappointed in this revullation, as this is half of the people I was asking to come. Since Karen and my aunt don't get along that well, I decided to cancel the whole thing. My aunt wanted to reschedule, but my Mom was not about to drive down for a second weekend, not that I blame her. Mom and I both agreed that whatever date it was changed to, someone would find an excuse not to come.
So, here we are. Me looking for comfort in something that was tradition and part of my youth. It's hard letting go of what we have taken for granted during a lifetime, but it's time for me to grow up and make my own traditions. I'm not saying let those family ties go, but make new ones and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
I have been doing my best over the last few months to get over things that have happened to me in the past. I spent the better part of my life keeping my mouth shut, letting anger get the best of me. Not anymore. I have become more vocal about things that don't make me happy. I am not mean or cruel when I voice my opinion, but I try to get my point across like the adult that I am.
So here is the problem - I have a bull headed aunt who has two daughters just as bull headed. Unfortunately, none of them get along and none of them realize they are alike.
When we were kids, we would always spend Christmas Eve at my aunts house. This would be the one time of year that we would see the whole family together. Yes, this was always an entertaining evening. You never knew what would happen from year to year. Like the one time, it was so cold out that frost was accumulating on the inside of the windows of her old farm house. Or the year she had snow coming down the tree that looked the little balls inside of a bean bag chair. Yes, as much as we didn't want to go, we went and had a good time.
In the past few years, we went to my cousin Sherry's house. Again, an interesting experience. Potato salad that gave everyone food poisoning or discussing the free porn tapes Sherry's husband got from Chrissy's husband - Bill wanted Dvd and Mike gave him Vhs.
Two years ago Sherry decided that she didn't like our side of the family, so she stopped inviting us. Her excuse, she thought we didn;t stay long enough.
So this year, I thought I would be the bigger person and have the party at our house (Gordy wasn't real happy about this). So I called all the major players with the exception of Sherry (I wanted to wait, get the date set and then call her). Everything was planned for the Saturday before Christmas - then I got the call. Karen, Chrissy and Mike and their families would not be able to come, they all had to work.
I was really disappointed in this revullation, as this is half of the people I was asking to come. Since Karen and my aunt don't get along that well, I decided to cancel the whole thing. My aunt wanted to reschedule, but my Mom was not about to drive down for a second weekend, not that I blame her. Mom and I both agreed that whatever date it was changed to, someone would find an excuse not to come.
So, here we are. Me looking for comfort in something that was tradition and part of my youth. It's hard letting go of what we have taken for granted during a lifetime, but it's time for me to grow up and make my own traditions. I'm not saying let those family ties go, but make new ones and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
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