Please slap me out of this...

I had a drink with Trevor last week and we had an interesting talk about love and life.

He is in a new relationship and he is finding it hard to understand how someone could fall for him. This was really hard for me to hear since I had fallen for him over 20 years ago. Anyhoo... He told me that, since being an adult, he has been the one pursuing and that all his relationships have been one sided - his. He has spent a lot of time trying to woo women and to no avail he is still single.

I have been thinking about his dilemma and I can see where he is coming from. If I was not married to Gordon, would I be single? I'm not sure that anyone would find me intersting enough to date, let alone marry. I know this sounds like I am insecure - which I am - but I really wonder what my life would have been like had I not met Gordon.

Would Trevor and I have finally hooked up? Would I have fallen head over heals for Scott? And what about Tim? All of these guys liked me, but it was pretty much one sided on my part.

I am probably feeling like this because my birthday was this week and I am depressed. For once I would like someone, other than my husband, to tell me they find me attractive. Right now I really don't feel that way, I am overweight and feel really ugly. Yeah, I put on a smiling face when I am around people, but that is just to make up for the fact that I am overweight. It's like over compensation for being undercompensated in the looks department.

Excuses

As I stood in line at the funeral home with my brother, I was waiting for the question to come. "Do you have any kids?"

We were at the funeral of my Aunt Betty, great aunt that is. She was a wonderful happy woman whose life was cut short by 15 years.

Aunt Betty and Uncle Ardell where a match made in heaven. They danced, had fun and were in love until the day he died. That was 11 years ago and Betty never stopped loving him. They have a big family and to say they are prolific isn't giving them justice.

So when Greg and I were standing in line waiting to speak with Heidi, one of the grandchildren, I was nervous. I was getting that - let me ramble on about nothing - feeling.

Gordon and I don't have any kids, and at this point I really don't think that's in the cards for us. I think this is due to a number of things - 1) me not wanting or having the courage to be a single parent. 2) Being to "me" oriented to give up my individuality long enough to become a parent. 3) Gordon wanting to retire early and if we have kids at this point, that won't happen.

Greg on the other hand has been trying to have kids with his wife, Kelli, for awhile. They just can't seem to get pregnant. Greg would make an incredible father, he is loving and a lot of fun. All the neighborhood kids love being around him. Kelli on the other hand would be a "you watch the kid" kind of mother. She likes to have fun and get things her way. It's not to say that she couldn't change, but I really don't think she would.

That being said, I go to these things and I am often asked if I have any kids. I then have to come up with some excuse why I don't. The one I give the most is, "We're still practicing, when we get it right, we'll have kids." Oh the look on peoples faces.

It's after this that I start to feel inadequate, then ask the question to myself. Does it make us a better person to have procreated? Is this the sole reason for being put on this planet? Why do we have to justify our decisions to strangers?

I know people use this question as an icebreaker, but I am tired of giving excuses...

Quick Quip

The office park where I work is great, there are over 2 miles of walking paths that are blacktopped and taken care of in the winter.

So why is it that people insist on jogging and running on the road? They do it at lunch and after work. I'm all about excercise, but why can't they use the area meant for this activity?