Managing Expectations

I bought Christmas gifts for some people at the office, little things, like gift certificates and wine. I do this because I care and I want them to know that I appreciate them.

The problem with this is, I create an expectation. An expectation of a thank you or some other gesture (no, not a gift, in return). When this doesn't happen, I get upset. I feel rejected and just plain disappointed.

My therapist thinks I need to set my expectations lower and not be so "black and white" with things. This is so fucking hard to do, and today I felt like shit about someone not meeting my expectations.

Maybe this is a learning curve, I know that Darrin and Chris will never say thanks for the gifts I give them, I know Trevor will. But I still keep giving them, one becuase it makes me feel good, two, they sign my paycheck.

On the other hand, with the other people, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Yeah, I have been like this my entire life, Gordy calls it keeping score. I have really tried over the last 6 months to not be this way and the turmoil in my life has dramatically decreased. So why is it that this particular case is bothering me?

I'm not sure, but I need to just get over it. Life is way to short to worry about something as trivial as a thank you.

Family and the Holidays

Why is it that Christmas is supposed to bring families together and ends up tearing them apart?

I have been doing my best over the last few months to get over things that have happened to me in the past. I spent the better part of my life keeping my mouth shut, letting anger get the best of me. Not anymore. I have become more vocal about things that don't make me happy. I am not mean or cruel when I voice my opinion, but I try to get my point across like the adult that I am.

So here is the problem - I have a bull headed aunt who has two daughters just as bull headed. Unfortunately, none of them get along and none of them realize they are alike.

When we were kids, we would always spend Christmas Eve at my aunts house. This would be the one time of year that we would see the whole family together. Yes, this was always an entertaining evening. You never knew what would happen from year to year. Like the one time, it was so cold out that frost was accumulating on the inside of the windows of her old farm house. Or the year she had snow coming down the tree that looked the little balls inside of a bean bag chair. Yes, as much as we didn't want to go, we went and had a good time.

In the past few years, we went to my cousin Sherry's house. Again, an interesting experience. Potato salad that gave everyone food poisoning or discussing the free porn tapes Sherry's husband got from Chrissy's husband - Bill wanted Dvd and Mike gave him Vhs.

Two years ago Sherry decided that she didn't like our side of the family, so she stopped inviting us. Her excuse, she thought we didn;t stay long enough.

So this year, I thought I would be the bigger person and have the party at our house (Gordy wasn't real happy about this). So I called all the major players with the exception of Sherry (I wanted to wait, get the date set and then call her). Everything was planned for the Saturday before Christmas - then I got the call. Karen, Chrissy and Mike and their families would not be able to come, they all had to work.

I was really disappointed in this revullation, as this is half of the people I was asking to come. Since Karen and my aunt don't get along that well, I decided to cancel the whole thing. My aunt wanted to reschedule, but my Mom was not about to drive down for a second weekend, not that I blame her. Mom and I both agreed that whatever date it was changed to, someone would find an excuse not to come.

So, here we are. Me looking for comfort in something that was tradition and part of my youth. It's hard letting go of what we have taken for granted during a lifetime, but it's time for me to grow up and make my own traditions. I'm not saying let those family ties go, but make new ones and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.

The Haves and Have Nots

I volunteered for a charity event this weekend and I thought nothing about dropping $100 for my hair (it needed colored and cut) and buying a new outfit. Granted, I wanted to look my best for the social elite, but did I really need to spend the extra cash on a new outfit?

It was a fundraiser for inner city, underprivileged kids to attend a Christian Academy. These kids come from mostly broken homes, where the mother is not educated. The school that they go to has a 0% drop out rate, with 70% of the students going onto college - which is great.

At the time of the event, I thought it would be great to sponsor one of these families at Christmas time. I could collect money from the employees at work and buy gifts for a family.

I was really pumped up about this until my stepson, his wife and son came to visit on Sunday. Jon has been layed off from work and is collecting unemployeement. Amie is working part time to help out, but is only making minimum wage. They have applied for food stamps, but won't get them until January because the state is running behind processing this type of thing.

I asked Amie how they are buying food, and she didn't really give me an answer, she just shook her head indifferently. She said they go to the food bank, but that is only once a month.

This got me thinking about how much Gordy and I have, and his son needs food stamps to eat. I thought about how much a family from this school would appreciate a little recognition over the holidays, then countered with, "I have family that is just as needy."

Do we care so much about helping others that we overlook what is right in front of our faces?

I guess I never really thought that someone in my family could need so much. I never saw it that way. They never complain, they never ask for anything, but yet they need so much. It isn't that Jon is lazy, he is one of the hardest working people I know. He just took the easy way out. He didn't want to go to school or join the Army, so instead, his mom found him a job with an electrician - not a bad profession, but not stable either.

So, here I am, thinking nothing about spending 30 bucks for a pair of gloves and he can't put food on the table. Should I feel bad for the choices I made? For the time I spent getting an education so I can have nice things. No, but I do.

I feel bad for the mother who will not enjoy the expression on her children's face Christmas morning becuase she can't afford gifts. I feel bad that Jon and Amie can't put food on the table. I feel bad that I don't need to worry about any of these things.

As time goes by, I wonder how much wider the divide will become.

Pondering...

As a married person or someone involved in a commited relationship, do you have a reasonable expectation to privacy? What are the boundaries and who decides where they get drawn?

Should your partner have full access to a journal/diary? How would you react if you found they had read it?

Unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

Iam unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
Im just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you can not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
But the rest is still unwritten

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

The cost of a push

I got my citation in the mail today. I got charged with disorderly conduct and a fine of $122. The sad thing is the court fees where $161 on top of the fine.

So $283 later and I feel like I have been hit again. 283 dollars and all I did was push someone. Such is life... Guess I have to raid the piggy bank :)

Pizza Guy

We ordered pizza last night from the local pizza joint and when the guy came to deliver it, he got out of his truck and I almost fell over.

He looked like he could be Pete's younger brother. He had the hair, the skin and the same build as Pete, which caused me to do a double take.

As bad as things have been lately, this little bit of nostalgia put a smile on my face.

Untitled...

The episode Tuesday got me thinking about a lot of things, especially why there is so much hate in the world.

Maybe I have been living life with rose colored glasses on, but the things I heard coming from this persons mouth were the most hateful, vindictive I have ever heard come from someone's mouth.

Are we a society plagued with hatred toward our fellow man? I know this is just one small episode, but this has to be happening all over the place. Are people filled with this kind of hatred the reason wars start?

What kind of childhood did this person have to be filled with so much hate? Was she beaten, molested or just verbally abused? It is evident that she wasn't brought up in a loving caring environment, anyone that was would not behave that way, at least I don't think so.

I think people all have different ways of dealing with things, but in most cases, there is good in their hearts. At least this is what I thought before Tuesday...

Hit Me With Your Best Shot... And She Did

I'm not sure if I have ever written about my dad's neighbors, but here is the jist of things...

My Dad has owned a house on the same street since I was a year old. Clay Street was a brick, tree lined street where all the neighbors were friendly when I was growing up. I was the only girl on the street, so I was just one of the boys.

As I grew up, Dad moved to Pittsburgh, but still kept the house, renting it out. First to tenants, then to my Gramma. He moved back in permanently with Michael, his partner, about six years ago.

Things were the same as they were when I was growing up. Some of the names had changed, but some were the same. The Rawlins' had lived next door forever and were in declining health, so their grandchildren sent them to a nursing home. When this happened, the olded grandson moved into the house with his brood.

At first, everything seemed fine. They were a little odd, but we can all be that way. As time went on, I noticed odd stuff going on with the house. The ripped the chimney out and left the hole in the roof covered with a blue tarp for a year. In houses this old, it is common for the chimney to also be a support for the floor joists. I can't wait to see the house fall in. Oh well, moving on...

They also ripped out the windows and replaced them with windows that were too small, then stuffed the remaining area with insulation. They did the same thing with the front door.

The grandson, Jon, decided he would build a fireplace on the side of the house. He built this thing really wide, and when he cut the hole in the side of the house for the fireplace, he just ripped out wall studs and never re-inforced the floor. Once he got started on the fireplace, he built up against the side of the house and didn't put any fireproof insulation between the chimney and the siding of the house. In other words, the chimney is right against the siding.

I guess what I am saying is that these people aren't to "with it." Since they moved in, they have set fire to a dumpster in their yard, they poured gas on a fire and have pretty much terrorized the neighborhood. The entire street is terrified and have, on numerous occasions, called the police to complain.

Yesterday was an especially bad day. Lisa, the wife, was in one of her moods and was spouting off vulgarities about the two faggots that lived next door. She was referring to my Dad and Michael. She continued to rant and the neighborhood just ignored her.

My Dad, obviously upset by this, called me to stop by after work. When I got there, she was rambling on about something in the front yard and the F-Bomb was dropped so many times I couldn't count.

I went in the house and talked to dad, who was visibly shaken, he said this had been going on for awhile. We both agreed it would be a good idea to get some kind of evidence of what they were saying.

About the time I was getting everything done, Michael pulled into the driveway. Lisa started her screaming even louder. I was a little concerned about Michael, so I went outside to see what was going on. She was in Mikes face threatening to kill him if he stepped foot on her property or petted her dog. Mike said, I have never touched your dog. She continued with the threatening.

When she saw me walk out of the house, she started with the "look at the fat slut coming out to see what is going on" She was still in Mike's face, so I went up and pushed her - hard.

She stepped backwards, tripped over her own feet and fell. When she got up she was screaming that I threated to kill her and I touched her first - well, yeah I did, I was trying to protect Mike.

Her husband called the police and said there were two females in a fight. She totally went off on me. I have never heard things like that said to a person before. She made hateful remarks about my Dad and Mike. Said I was a fat slut, a whore. She then started in on how Dad calls the police all the time to report them. My reply was that "no, he doesn't, maybe you should be looking at the other neighbors."

While all these words are flying out of her mouth, she is hitting me. Telling me that I have no witnesses to back my side of the story up - at this point there are hald a dozen people watching the entire scene. And she's hitting me, punching the left side of my head as hard as she can - open hand and with a fist.

Then the Police come, I walk away to cool off. Officer Jim comes to ask me my side of the story, then tells me to go in the house. When he gets to the house to speak with me some more, I have ice on the side of my face.

He gets my contact information, asks why I have ice on my face, then proceeds to tell me I am being cited. Yeah, I am pissed. He tells me that I should have walked away - hindsight tells me he is right, but I was protecting Mike.

When he leaves, I slam the door shut and pace. Pacing until I find myself at the back of the house, near the kitchen, punching the wall. I was mad at myself...

After about ten minutes, I go outside to talk with the nice neighbors and they inform me that Lisa has been running around like a lunatic all day. She had a surveyor at her place earlier in the day, the surveyor was on other peoples property, doing his job. When one person questioned the surveyor as to what they where doing, Lisa told her to mind her own fucking business.

With behavior like this, no wonder they all think she is nuts. Anyway, they take her to the hospital to check on her leg - yeah, she's setting me up for a lawsuit. Mike said when she got home, she was complaining loudly in the front yard about how lousy they treated her at the hospital.

I wanted to go get checked out - at this point I have a killer headache, my ears are ringing and I feel like yacking. I decide that I better not go to the same place where she is. They think I could have a slight concussion, but nothing was conclusive on the CT scan.

I can't sleep and I keep hearing her voice in my head. I have been assaulted, both verbally and physically and I don't like the way I feel about myself.

In my opinion, this is someone who is capable of anything - fortunately, she didn't have a gun.

My Dad put his house on the market today. He is afraid for his life, Michaels and the dogs. These people are dangerous and who knows what they will do next.

Do ya Think I'm sexy?

This is for that friend I haven't seen in awhile - thanks for the call. And since I don't have my picture taken that often, I thought I would share.

This is me getting ready to go see the Dixie Chicks.

Sweeping Up

I have been seeing a therapist for a little over a month. Boy, what a change it makes to talk about things to someone that doesn't judge.

For this reason, I had a dream over the weekend that entailed cleaning and getting rid of the clutter. As I woke up Sunday morning, I realized that I needed to clean out my life. I need to make sure I surround myself with people that treat me with love and respect. In return, I will continue to give them the love and respect that they deserve.

Ok, what I am saying is that I am surrounding myself with people who ask nothing of me, and I ask nothing of them - a relationship with no strings attached.

I have spent the majority of my life trying to please people and not expecting anything in return. I am tired of wasting energy trying to please others, when they will never be satisfied with what I am giving. It's like spinning wheels and not getting a mile down the road.

By expecting satifaction from those I am trying to please, I am only making myself miserable with the waiting.

Take for instance, Tim. When Pete died, my friendship with Tim died as well. It was like losing two people, only one was still alive. I still think of him a lot, but it is not healthy. He has abandoned our friendship, left it at the curb and run over it with his SUV. I still hold out that he will call me, even though in my heart I know he won't. Too much time has gone by and too many words have been said, yet I miss him, his conversation, his friendship. This is one of those things I need to get over, put out with the garbage. It is really hard to do though - I have known him longer than Gordon. At one time, he was my sounding board, the one person I considered a mentor in my professional career. I want to think that he would be proud that I got my Masters, that I am pushing forward in my career. It's sad, but I will never really know what he thinks.

Swish, swish, swish, sweeping up :)

I am signing off, the Steeler game starts in a few and I need to grab a slice of pizza and another glass of wine.

Back to the "Real World"

I spent an incredibly relaxing week at the beach and got home this past Saturday.

I started vacation out by leaving work early and getting on the road around 12:30. My cousin, Karen, came with me and we were in Fredericksburg, VA in a mere 6 hours. We met my Mom and chilled out watching the Steeler game - bad ugly loss that is was...

Saturday we made the final leg of the trip and I was all about hitting the water. The weather was great and the ocean was really warm.

I enjoyed the next four days soaking up the sun, reading and swimming. My other cousin, Melanie, was there so it was fun hanging out with her. Karen wanted some alone time, so Mel and I chatted, laughed and carried on without her. It's been along time since she and I have had a chance to spend time together without the spouses and her kids. It was like we were younger again.



I really think she needed a vacation from her life. She works really hard at being a Navy wife and Mom - toughest job in the world in my opinion. Anyhow, by Friday, she was looking relaxed and ready to face the life again with a renewed vigor.

Thursday was interesting. We had been watching tropical storm Ernesto brew out in the Atlantic the whole week and knew it was coming our way - Thursday was the day. The outer bands hit around 4:30 with some serious rain and that continued through the evening. The brunt of the storm (we were in the northeast quadrant) hit around 12:30 and I never thought the wind would end. The wind pelted the rain against the windows immediately over my head in the room where I was sleeping. I dozed for a while, then would wake up when there was a big gust. Around 3:00,the wind changed to the back of the house (same room, different window). I must say, it was a little scary and it's not something that I would want to do again anytime isoon.

When we woke up Friday morning, the wind was still heavy, but the storm had passed. Mel and I went for a walk down the beach to see how the sea turtle nest faired in the storm and it was gone - sad. We spent the rest of the day reading on the deck and scouring the sand for shells.

Saturday brought me home and the farther north I got, the more expensive gas was - damn taxes in PA.

This is the first time in years that I have felt this relaxed after a vacation. I like the idea of leaving all my problems at home, and dealing with them when I have a clear head.

I'll post some pics later.

One Week and Counting...

This time next week, I will be sitting in the sand, drinking a margarita and starting a fabulous week with my family.

The last time I was at the beech, my vacation started out driving through a hurricane (Charlie) and having my last conversation with Pete. The week continued with my sister in law being a total bitch. Yes, a cat fight ensued that Thursday.

This year, no hurricane, no Pete and no sister in law. Missing one is better than dealing with the other two.

I am in dire need of a break from life. I have been really stressed lately - enough so that I am seeing a therapist. I feel no shame talking with someone about my problems. When I leave from talking with "Lisa", I feel like weight has been taken off my shoulders and a wave of relief washes over me.

Gotta run - ciao

Really Official

my diploma came this weekend. i know i keep beating a dead horse, but I really am pumped about doing this.

Other than that life is going ok. I am looking forward to heading south to Emerald Isle for vacation at the end of August. It is a well deserved one and I will be with my Mom's side of the family sans Gordy. I will miss him, but sometimes you need some time apart - makes you appreciate each other more.

Gotta run, back to work.

Franco and Me

I walked outdoors with Helen and there he was, this tall attractive man helping the volunteers with the chairs. It was a warm evening, and he must have been sweating in his sportscoat. When he saw Helen and I, he walked over with a genuine smile on his face. At this point, he was living up to my "hero" standards.

With a firm handshake, I was introduced to Franco Harris, living legend in Pittsburgh sports. He told me that I would be following him around, taking photo's of the people he wanted shots of. He then said he wanted some candid and setup shots - I went to work with a cherished camera, Pete's.

I moved around the room taking in the sights and smells this event was throwing at me. The flowers on the 50 foot bar were so fragrant I could imagine the bees starting to congragate wanting some of the sweet nectar.

There was Chinese food and summer wraps for dinner complimented with only the best wines and liquors. Dessert consisted of bananas foster with delicious ice cream. Unfortunately, I had no time for food, neither did Franco.

We started the evening off by greeting people at the door. I hung around for about half an hour, then he shooed me away. The line needed to move faster and with me taking photo's, it wasn't.

When he was done with the meet and greet, I started following him around, staying about 10 feet away at all times. It is really strange, but he knew where I was at all times. When he wanted a shot, he motioned to me and I tookd the shot.

This took place from 7:30 to midnight and the entire time I was worried about whether or not the photo's would turn out. My feet hurt, but I kept at it.

The entire time I was with him, I kept thinking what a wonderful marriage he and his wife, Dana, have. Here is this man, that women flock to be around, and his wife seemed fine with it. He always made sure to include her in the festivities (they had an auction) and even took time out from dancing with the hot women to dance with his wife.

At the end of the evening, I lost him but heard he was out on the terrace. I packed up my stuff (I was really tired and had an hour drive ahead of me) and went outside for one last photo. See, at the beginning of the night, he promised me a picture of him and I together, I wasn't leaving without that picture.

As I walked outside, he asked if I was leaving. I told him I would stick around if he needed me to, but he said "no." I asked him for that photo and he was more than happy to oblige. So here I was, around around my hero, his arm around me. I felt so important at that moment that I couldn't help but smile.

As I walked to the car, my feet started really hurting, but all I could think about was what a great time I had. I was given a dream job for a night and I was glad I didn't pass it up.

Some of you may or may not know, but Franco was a Steeler in the 1970's. He was responsible for the emaculate reception sending us to our first Super Bowl. He is a hero in the city of Pittsburgh and to all in the Steeler Nation.

The Breakup Song

It's been a week of breakups for people in my family.

It started with my brother and his wife. I knew they were having problems, and I know he wasn't happy, but I was shocked when I heard she had moved out.

It's not to say that I am not happy about this (yes, I am a bitch) but Kelli has not been nice since she landed Greg. She has outright lied about my mom to Greg. For instance, Mom went in and had her hair higlighted. Mom asked how much it was, Kelli replied, "don't worry about it." So mom left. In the meantime, Kelli called my brother and said that "your mom walked out without paying."

It is things like this that have put a bitter taste in our mouths. She started calling Mom around Easter telling her stuff about Greg, then last week, she called me whining, complaining, along with accusations of abuse. He's my brother and we both have the same temper (gotta love those Germans), but we both need pushed really hard to get mad. So, when she tells me this, I assume that she had pushed him to the edge. I later found out that she had hit him which caused him to grab her wrist - funny how there are two sides to each story and she conveniently left that out.

At this point I had enough and told her that maybe Greg was doing all this "stuff" (flirting with the neeighbor) to get back at her for all the rotten things she had done to him. I then gave her examples - it didn't go over to well, but at least she listened to what I said.

I continued by telling her that Greg chose her over his childhood friends - which I later found out, was something Greg had recently told her and she didn't believe.

The other breakup came as a surprise, but didn't.

Ben had been dating Alana for three years. They met at a baseball game when he was 19 and she was 15. Needless to say, I wasn't real keen on the age difference thing, only becuase he had just gotten out of some serious trouble and I was concerned that he would get in trouble becuase she was underage.

Anyway, they dated and on weekends her parents would let him spend the night at their house, in her bed, remember she is underage at this point.

Time goes by and they get engaged, but he is afraid to tell anyone. Gordon told him that if they were that much in love, then he should be happy about spreading the news.

This was a year and a half ago, and I thought all was well in lala land. They came to family events together, her parents have invited us there and vice versa. They are really great people and a lot of fun to be around.

I noticed, though, in the past few months they seemed to have been drifiting apart. They weren't clingy like before and often sat apart on the sofa, which is coming a long way from wearing the same pair of undies (just a saying, not really).

I knew things were bad when Jon's (Gordon's other son) fiance, Amie, told me that Ben and Alana were arguing over moving in together. I had always thought that living together would make or break the situation, but I didn't think that they wouldn't make it to move in day.

In a way, I am happy about the breakup because he is still in school and she is starting in the fall. They both need time to mature and be with other people.

I guess I saw myself in the same situation, dating seriously at 19 and getting married at 21. Now, there is a maturity different between a 15 year old and someone that's 19, but I still missed out on a lot by being with one person.

Don't get me wrong, I would still marry Gordy, but I would have had more fun and did things with my friends instead of feeling oblagated to be with him 24/7. All in all, I think we came out of it fine, considering me being childish at times.

Oh well, I hope he got the ring back. At least he can sell it on eBay.

I'm off to dinner with the hubby and a group of people from work...

It's Official....

I'm done with Grad School - I finished up my last class this past Thursday.

When I started school, I wanted to finish, but I wasn't sure I could do it. I am not the type of person that just willingly does homework. I always enjoyed the learning process but homework - ugh...

Fortunately, most of the courses I took utilized my work experience, so they came easy to me. This semester was the toughest by far, research methods was torture with a 5 page paper due each week and a 20 page paper due at the end of the semester.

Directed Readings was an independent study - not to hard, but actually doing the reading, writing a summary on each of 6 books, then a final paper was not something I was looking forward to.

I got the Research class done and took an Incomplete in Readings. My wonderful prof for readings gave me two months to finish it all up - I did and now I get the diploma :)

In the meantime, I walked at graduation and I have never felt more proud. I bought a class ring and my wonderful husband, along with my mom, threw a surprise party for me.

I must say, I really never thought I would see the day I would have done this. I was so scared that I would fail a class and have to go back - that fear has subsided - yeah...

I know this was a boring post - more exciting stuff to come later :)

Such is life...

The sun was shining as I left the building for lunch. A strong, cool breeze blew the hair away from my eyes. I look up and there are two eagles flying in the high in the wind. I got in the car and thought about the morning. Typical Monday morning for everyone in the office, but one, it may be his last. Days like today make you realize how short life is and how we take those around us for granted.

As I drove in the car to lunch, I thought about my co-worker who is dealing with a very aggressive form of cancer. Seeing him this morning, smile on his face and going about his day like there is nothing wrong, gave me a whole new respect for him.

This came from out of the blue, starting with the stomach flu that just wouldn't go away. Many trips to the "big" city in the past two weeks and now, cancer - pancreatic, the most aggressive form. The funny thing about this killer, it's silent, he had no symptoms and now he is at stage four.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I think back on the time I have known him. Very aloof and private when I first met him, four years later, he has been my golf partner twice and favorite pool shark at company outings.

I “get” him, we’re actually a lot alike. We both take work seriously and don’t have time to “play the games” that are sometimes required in the workplace.

I am sitting at my desk around two and I see him leave work for the day, head down walking for the door. It was strange, it was almost like it would be the last time I saw him. I hope not, I want a chance to let him know that he has made a differnce in my life and it has been a privilege knowing him. At least I get this chance...

Thanks to a teacher.

I had a dream last night about an old teacher of mine. His name is Jim Beck and he was my Visual Communications teacher in 7th grade and taught graphic arts when I was in 9th grade.

Mr. Beck was one of the first teachers that made an impact in my life. His classes were fun and he really related to the students. This may have something to do with him graduating from the same school we were in, or that he was fresh out of college.

I remember the first time I met him. It was the second semester in 7th grade, 9th period, the last of the day. I walked in the room and it was "like" at first site. He looked just the guy the played "The Greatest American Hero."

He was nice, and us pimply nosed kids learned how to make really cool things. He had us design a stand (for lack of a better word) that we had to make out of manilla folders. This stand had to have "cells" in it like a bees nest and the end result would be that we would set weights on top of it and see how much weight it could hold. It was amazing that something made of manilla could withstand a 100 pound anvil.

That year, he and I become friends. At least as much as a teacher and student could. He would write me passes to come down to the technology area and I would hang out with the "gang" which were comprised of other teachers and students. I would grade papers and work on projects for the school. I call this the beginning of my brown nose years :)

As I went into 8th grade, I continued with "hanging out" with the gang, even though I didn't have Mr. Beck for class. This was the only place in school that I felt wanted, needed and appreciated.

9th grade was a blast for me, yeah I had him for class, but this is were I learned darkroom techniques. He taught us how to develop black and white photos, as well as color slides. He taught us the meaning of working hard for things you believe in and never selling yourself short.

I remember him coming to me one day to ask my opinion about something. He had been offered a job in Colorado with a firm, he wanted to know if he should take it. Heck Yeah!!! Yes, he could always fall back on teaching, but this was the opportunity of a life time. Off he went at the end of my 9th year in school. The day he said goodbye to me, he gave me his prized hockey stick, which I still have.

I think I saw him one other time after that and got a few letters, though I heard from others what had happened to him. He got married and went to Colorado. He was there for a couple years and left his wife. He moved to Bucks County, PA and started teaching again. He got married again and has a couple kids.

Anyhow, this man made an impact in my life. He made me appreciate art and school. He is one of the reasons I am graduating from grad school in two weeks. I want to thank him for that - so thanks Mr. Beck for making me the person I am today.

Cell Phones, Respect and What the Heck are People Thinking...

I am probably showing my age with this post, but at 37 I feel I have a right to gripe about this topic - talking on a cell phone at the library.

I have pretty much stopped going to the library at school because of the noise, yes, I said noise. The library at Point Park is beautiful. It's in an old bank with three story high ceilings and the acoustics that belong in a concert hall.

Last weekend I was sitting at the back of the library near the vault (way cool room to study in by the way.) and I could hear the conversations taking place at the front door. The building is approximately 3/4 of a city block deep, so this was a long way for the voices to carry. I can deal with all that, but what happened next shocked me. The girl at the next table whips out her phone and starts a 10 minute conversation with someone. Ugh... I am here to study, not listen to phone conversations.

Yesterday I was going to meet Mom for lunch north of where I live, I thought I would go to the library at Slippery Rock, my Alma Mater. I never had too many problems with noise when I studied there before, that is until yesterday. All was quiet in the stacks and I had whipped through two chapters of the advertising psych book I was reading when I heard music. It sounded twingy, like someone had a pair of ear buds shoved in their ears with the music turned up way too loud. After a couple minutes the music stopped and I could hear a one way conversation. This twenty something was talking on a cell phone. Again, this went on for about 10 minutes then she shut up.

Here's my gripe. If you're gonna go to the library, turn the damn phone off or go in the lobby to talk. There are people there for a reason and that is not to hear a one sided conversation while trying to study.

Have the youth in our society lost all respect for others or have they never been taught to be quiet in a place like the library? Are we such a self centered society that no one else matters but me and what my needs are at a particular moment?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned, but I was brought up to be respectful of others no matter how different they are from myself. I was taught to help others when they are down and need a helping hand. And I was taught that when in the library to keep quiet and when speaking, keep it at a whisper.

Enough griping, I'm off to the library where I hope it will be a little more quiet than it was yesterday :)

Jumpin' JJ

Here's the bouncy seat shot from this weekend - oh he loves this thing :)

The Little Guy

I can't believe he's five months old. JJ is ready to rock and roll in his bouncy seat. He's holding his head up and got the "I just want to go" pose ready for that moment.

Here are some pics from our babysitting adventure a couple weeks ago...

Enjoy

Calming Down

Over the past three months I have been in a tizzy about soeing some wild oats. I even had someone interested in being the soeie.

Anyway, Gordy and I talked about it three weeks ago. I finally got up the courage to tell him what I was feeling. Needless to say, he was shocked.

I let it all out, held nothing back and felt a wave of relief wash over me when it was done.

He had many questions, specifically about the soeie, and he got truthful answers. We had kissed but it never went any further than that.

After spending an entire weekend discussing this situation, we both realized that we had drifted apart and needed to come back together.

I admit that he was driving me nuts. I knew I was loved, but he had a strange way of showing it. He wasn't very communicative about certain things, especially about his job and the kids.

I on the other hand wasn't showing him the love and respect that he needed.

I feel incredibly sorry for what I almost did to our marriage and I am working on getting his trust back - this will take a long time. I am also working on my self esteem - which has been gone for awhile.

The hardest part of this thing is seeing the soeie a couple times a week at work. It's not like he works for the same company, but he is in the same building. When I see him, my stomach no longer flutters, but I still have this need to be his friend. I know it sounds really strange, but I feel like I will always have this connection with him even though nothing more than a kiss happened.

When I talked to Gordy about the soeie, he was shocked that I would give everything up for a man that I could never see myself with. Yeah, strange. This guy is really nice, but he is so not my type. He is very opinionated about people that are gay or lesbian - how can they be like that, it's just wrong. He is also very insecure with himself. I don't think that he can live without a woman in his life. It doesn't matter if they don't get along - he wants to know that there is someone there when he gets home. Me, I like my independence. I can be by myself if I have to be, it's not the end of the world to be alone.

Oh well, at least I came to my senses, calmed down and am getting on with life. I look forward to going home and spending time with Gordy. It's been awhile since I have felt that way.

Gotta run, I have someone to meet at home :)

Outdone by a Pro

I was sitting at my desk today when Trevor came over and said "Bill Penberthy is coming to the office tomorrow to take the executives photo's." I must have had a perplexed look on my face.

I asked "why?"

T, "We did some work for him and he was extremely happy. Because of this he went on the web site and thought our exec pictures needed redone." I'm sure there was more to the sentence, but this is what I heard

This is where I felt like I had been kicked. I took the exec pictures and I thought I did a half way decent job with my $200 digital camera. Don't ya think

Oh well, so the best photographer, who I idolized as a kid, is coming to the office tomorrow. I guess it isn't so bad, it could be worse. Oh heck, I'll enjoy it as much as the exec's.

I guess if you have to be outdone, it might as well be with the local professional.

Analyze This!!!

I am happily married, have been for 16 years. In the last three months, I have wanted something more - what I have no idea.

I met my husband when I was 18, I had never been with anyone before him. I never really had a boyfriend - you could count Tim, but he was in the Navy 500 miles away, does that really count?

Anyhow, I have this urge all the sudden to go sow some wild oats. I want to go out, have some fun. Meet new people and just enjoy myself.

What is wrong with me? I love my husband - he treats me like a princess, he takes care of me and yet, right now it's not enough. Why can't I just accept what I have and be happy?

Will this week ever be over?

I have had a bad week, which started at the end of last week. I am blown away with school right now. I spend all weekend studying and still don't understand stuff in my research class. - I'm just frustrated.

This weekend entailed studying, babysitting, cleaning and playing host to Gordon's sister. None of this bothered me, except that I know I need to be doing other things - like studying more.

Work has been chaotic. We have a "goLive" with a new product next week and I have been testing like crazy. Of course, things that were fixed are now broken - Murphy's Law.

The home life hasn't gotten better, I am PMSing and just need a break. Monday I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, Gordy walked in and said with a snide tone "Pants." This was his way of saying that he couldn't find his pants for work. I had to drop what I was doing and go look for his pants - off to the laundry area, no, then back to the closet - yep. If he would have opened his eyes, he would have found them.

Gordy got a job offer yesterday. The money isn't the best and he isn't sure he's going to take it. I bought him some flowers just to let him know how proud of him I am. So....

Last night I went home and did some homework. At around 8:30 I went out to watch some TV with him. He proceeded to tell me to get a drink, he had something to tell me. A million things were flying through my head - what did Ben do now, he wants a divorce, he was fired from his job. He proceeds to tell me that he didn't want to tell me this, becuase I had been so stressed and he didn't want to pile anymore on - ok Gordy, get to the point.... He said that the place where he worked was being sold and he didn't know if he would have a job in another month.

At this point, I am speechless. Prior to him telling me this, he asked me not to be mad. I have to admit, I was mad but yet releived that he decided not to tell me. He was right, I didn't need that stress of knowing he may not have a job at the end of March.

Thursday and Friday were no better, I found out Friday at 4 that I have to work this weekend - argh...

Friday night I came home and had a serious talk with Gordy. About how I am feeling about the way I am perceiving what he has said to me over the past week or so. After I aired all my grievances, he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night. I really tried to not put him on the defensive, by saying "this is how I feel when you say..." I wasn't critical and I wasn't argumentative, heck I was pretty calm. I probably should have waited to tell him this stuff, but I must say, it was a relief to get it off my shoulders.

When he left this morning, he said bye, not "I Love you," nothing. I guess he is still mad at me.

The way things look right now, it appears that next week will be starting as crappy as this week ended.

A Rose is Just a Rose?

After 16 years of marriage, I finally got flowers on Valentines Day. It started out like every typical day - snuggles and kisses before I padded off to the shower. The only difference was the cards that morning.

When I got to work, I had another card - this time an electronic one. Man, he was really trying to make it a special day this year.

Lunch came and went without a call from the front desk. As I was stuffing a micky d's fry into my mouth, the call came. I needed to go to the receptionists desk - wahoo. As I walked the 100 paces, my palms began to sweat. Was I just getting my hopes up?

I rounded the corner to find all the girls standing there gawking at this beautiful arrangement on the front desk. It was for me...

There were cream and red roses, snap dragons, and orchids along with some odd looking greenary (sp). They have been sitting on my desk all week and looking great. They smell so nice, I wish it could smell like this all the time.

The answer to the question is - no, these roses are special, from someone special. Someone who adores me and knew they would mean the world to me.

Thanks Honey - you make my world go 'round.

Wild Hair - Quick Quip

Lisa, the networking person, has wild hair. There isn't a day where her hair is done "presentable." Today it's the worst I have ever seen it. It looks like she stuck her head in a blender and blew her hair dry.

I would never walk out of the house with my hair looking that bad. It's almost as if she doesn't take any pride in the way she looks.

Valentines

With the impending Valentines holiday coming up, I was thinking about what a depressing day it is for me.

These feelings stem from junior high school - yeah I need to get over it - and the fact that I never had a special guy in my life. I was always a tomboy. My male friends treated me like one of the boys, like a sister, but never anyone they would consider going out with. I never had a problem with this except on Valentines Day.

In junior high, the class sold carnations to raise money for dances and such. They always sold the carnations for Valantines Day and I never got one. All the "pretty" girls had them, in some cases, dozens from admirers. I found this quite depressing.

Not that I was really interested in dating, but I think it was an ego thing. You know, someone paying attention to me (you think I'm high maintenance?). I wanted to feel special.

This continued into high school, college and even into married life. Flowers were a rare occurance in my life...

I understand that roses are expensive on Valentines day. They don't last long and it's like throwing money down the drain. But, to me and at this time in my life, it isn't about the money, it's the thought.

It's about this one little thing - showing everyone else that you love me. I know that I am the world to you, you tell me everyday in everything you do. What is it about flowers and Valentines Day that gets me in such a tizzy?

Question of the Day

Is there anything wrong with pure raw sex, just for the hell of it?

This is JUST a question, nothing more...

Yeah - I finally Heard It

How long have I been bitching about hearing someone other than my husband say they found me attractive? At least a year and to me, there was no end in site.

Until today that is. My Crush and I were walking in the hallway, and had stopped to talk about the bike ride last week. Out of the blue, he said I looked good today. Ok, I definately blushed at this, he is the first person in almost 20 years besides my husband to tell me that. I could have melted into the wall. Man, he really knew how to make my knees go weak.

I'm beginning to think that he may have a crush on me - wouldn't that be funny?

Riding without a helmet

This is something I would never have considered doing - until today. It was in the mid 50's and I was in a "funk." Since my birthday, I have been doing things I never would have considered doing before.

Anyhow, I saw that Bruce had brought his bike to work today. I have been saying for a year and a half that I wanted to go for a ride, not having the nerve to ask.

Kelli and I were talking about it and she said, "just ask" the worst that's going to happen is that he'll say no. I told her I was a chicken shit, then walked out the door to the restroom.

As I rounded the corner, I heard the familiar sound of keys behind me. I turned around and there were Rocco and Bruce.

"Hi Guys"

"Hi Margie"

And here it is... "So when do I get a ride on that bike of yours?"

As the out of body experience continued, he replied, "Right Now."

"Really?"

"No, but I get done at 3:30. We can go then."

So on this warm February day I went for a bike ride sans helmet. My father would have freaked, Gordy would ask "What the hell were you thinking?" And my friends would have been disappointed in me. I am smarter than that and I definitely know better.

I had a blast, a day I will never forget. I made a new friend, I bought him a beer, I rode in the rain and had a great time.

He told me that his wife had died three years ago and that he still misses her, they were married 28 years. He's seeing someone right now, though I had the feeling that wasn't going anywhere.

The most ironic thing about the ride was when he dropped me off. He said to me, "You know what my wife's name was?"

"No."

"Margaret."

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's quite uncanny that his wife's name and mine are so much alike - mine is actually a derivative of Margaret. I wonder what he called her? Maggie, Meg, Peg or Margie...

Please slap me out of this...

I had a drink with Trevor last week and we had an interesting talk about love and life.

He is in a new relationship and he is finding it hard to understand how someone could fall for him. This was really hard for me to hear since I had fallen for him over 20 years ago. Anyhoo... He told me that, since being an adult, he has been the one pursuing and that all his relationships have been one sided - his. He has spent a lot of time trying to woo women and to no avail he is still single.

I have been thinking about his dilemma and I can see where he is coming from. If I was not married to Gordon, would I be single? I'm not sure that anyone would find me intersting enough to date, let alone marry. I know this sounds like I am insecure - which I am - but I really wonder what my life would have been like had I not met Gordon.

Would Trevor and I have finally hooked up? Would I have fallen head over heals for Scott? And what about Tim? All of these guys liked me, but it was pretty much one sided on my part.

I am probably feeling like this because my birthday was this week and I am depressed. For once I would like someone, other than my husband, to tell me they find me attractive. Right now I really don't feel that way, I am overweight and feel really ugly. Yeah, I put on a smiling face when I am around people, but that is just to make up for the fact that I am overweight. It's like over compensation for being undercompensated in the looks department.

Excuses

As I stood in line at the funeral home with my brother, I was waiting for the question to come. "Do you have any kids?"

We were at the funeral of my Aunt Betty, great aunt that is. She was a wonderful happy woman whose life was cut short by 15 years.

Aunt Betty and Uncle Ardell where a match made in heaven. They danced, had fun and were in love until the day he died. That was 11 years ago and Betty never stopped loving him. They have a big family and to say they are prolific isn't giving them justice.

So when Greg and I were standing in line waiting to speak with Heidi, one of the grandchildren, I was nervous. I was getting that - let me ramble on about nothing - feeling.

Gordon and I don't have any kids, and at this point I really don't think that's in the cards for us. I think this is due to a number of things - 1) me not wanting or having the courage to be a single parent. 2) Being to "me" oriented to give up my individuality long enough to become a parent. 3) Gordon wanting to retire early and if we have kids at this point, that won't happen.

Greg on the other hand has been trying to have kids with his wife, Kelli, for awhile. They just can't seem to get pregnant. Greg would make an incredible father, he is loving and a lot of fun. All the neighborhood kids love being around him. Kelli on the other hand would be a "you watch the kid" kind of mother. She likes to have fun and get things her way. It's not to say that she couldn't change, but I really don't think she would.

That being said, I go to these things and I am often asked if I have any kids. I then have to come up with some excuse why I don't. The one I give the most is, "We're still practicing, when we get it right, we'll have kids." Oh the look on peoples faces.

It's after this that I start to feel inadequate, then ask the question to myself. Does it make us a better person to have procreated? Is this the sole reason for being put on this planet? Why do we have to justify our decisions to strangers?

I know people use this question as an icebreaker, but I am tired of giving excuses...

Quick Quip

The office park where I work is great, there are over 2 miles of walking paths that are blacktopped and taken care of in the winter.

So why is it that people insist on jogging and running on the road? They do it at lunch and after work. I'm all about excercise, but why can't they use the area meant for this activity?