I am sitting in the office this morning nursing a headache watching the leaves fall from the trees. The weather here is beautiful and there isn't a cloud in the sky this chilly Sunday morning. Stop and smell the roses, Gordy says...
I had a scare early Friday morning and I have been doing a lot of thinking about life in general since then.
When I woke up at 2:13am with no feeling in my arm, I didn't think to much about it. After 10 minutes of trying to get the feeling back in my hand, I got lite headed and the back of my neck and shoulders got tingly - I knew something wasn't right. My heart pounded like I was running a marathon and I couldn't stop shaking. I ran to the kitchen and took two aspirin then woke Gordon up. He called 911 and the ambulance came.
They took me to the local hospital and ran a series of tests. The tests came out negative, which is good. After some thinking, I believe I have an anxiety attack.
The evening before I was looking at my body in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I was upset at how I have let myself go and how lacadasial I have become about life.
I have also been under a lot of stress at work with the loss of my project and moving onto other things. I also think my family has caused a lot of stress in my life. Actually thinking about my family, yes they are who they are, but I tend to look deeper into things than I probably should. I need to let go and not internalize my feelings.
I would really like a vacation away from everything. Sit on the beach and read, think and ponder the meaning of life. Hike in the mountains and enjoy the wildlife around me. See a new city and discover what makes that city so special. Anything, just get away from it all.
I look out the window and see the wonderful world I live in. I am really blessed. Blessed to have a great husband and family. Blessed to be alive.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Really Annoyed
Is it to much to ask my lone developer to make sure things work before he checks them in?
This wouldn't be such a big issue if he hadn't spent half the afternoon playing ping pong or poker. I am so fucking po'd right now. I just want to get this build out the door and he had two things to make sure he got right. He didn't, but when I try and find him, he's off playing poker.
This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but he's a contractor and he's probably turning time in for a job when he is playing poker.
This was supposed to be the last build, but I am going to need yet another one becuase of him.
I just feel like freaking out on him and I am really trying to be nice and not do that. I wish there was a restaurant size freezer for me to walk into and scream at the top of my lungs. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
This wouldn't be such a big issue if he hadn't spent half the afternoon playing ping pong or poker. I am so fucking po'd right now. I just want to get this build out the door and he had two things to make sure he got right. He didn't, but when I try and find him, he's off playing poker.
This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but he's a contractor and he's probably turning time in for a job when he is playing poker.
This was supposed to be the last build, but I am going to need yet another one becuase of him.
I just feel like freaking out on him and I am really trying to be nice and not do that. I wish there was a restaurant size freezer for me to walk into and scream at the top of my lungs. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Something I can agree with :)
“A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.” -- Jim Watkins
Feeling a little lost
A year ago this week our largest customer at work was bought out by a huge conglomerate. At that time, we were all afraid of losing our jobs, fortunately only 6 of us were let go at that time.
Since then, we have continued to sub contract with the large conglomerate. Up until about two months ago, things were running fairly well and at that time we were informed that our subcontract work was diminishing and that we would be done at the end of the year. In my case it's happening at the end of this month.
I am working on a new and exciting project which I have been ramping up on, but I am really going to miss my "old thing"
I have been with "Exchange" since it's inception over three years ago. This has been my baby, I have written scripts, tested it and worked with three other product groups to make sure everything runs seamlessly. Now it's being ripped away.
I understand the conglomerates reasoning for this, it saves money and they would rather pay their own people instead of higher contract rates. BUT no one at the conglomerate knows how Exchange works - in their words - it's a black box.
In the beginning of this project when there would be problems with data "exchanging" between two databases, it was "an Exchange issue." In most of the cases, we have proven that it was a problem in either the subscribing or publishing databases. Finding these problems made the other systems better.
The thing about Exchange is that it's a delicate program. One little change in code by someone clueless about how it works and the whole thing comes falling down. It really is a beautiful machine. I know it sounds corny to talk about it this way, but this has been my life for a long time and I feel like I am losing a loved one.
We have been talking around the office about what a cluster fuck this move has been on the part of the conglomerate. They have no one in place that knows this product, or the VFIN product for that matter. The people they are "promoting" to QA have never tested before and only one has an accounting background. The two developers put on Exchange don't even have it installed on their machines yet - this with less than two weeks till turnover time.
One of these QA people has been working product support for a while. I really like this person, but his retention is bad. He and I have had the same conversation at least 20 times regarding a certain problem - and he still has to call me to "jog" his memory. I really would hate to see him try and do level 3 support with customers if he can't remember after two years what an object reference error mean.
We all seem to think that the employees taking over for us at the conglomerate are going to fuck up and we'll be hired to clean up the mess. In my opinion this is wishful thinking. Yes, they are going to have a very hard time getting up to speed and they will probably fall on their face, but this conglomerate has made it clear they do not want us working on their standard product.
Since all this has happened, I have been moved to the custom team and I am working on projects unrelated to the conglomerate. However, most of our custom work is with the conglomerates customer. This is fine and dandy, but what if the conglomerate decides to stop selling this particular product set - where does this leave us? Not in very good shape. This is all we know for the most part and I think we are keeping all our eggs in one big basket. If that basket falls over, those eggs break and our company may fall apart.
I trust management in the company that this won't happen, but you never know.
The new QA person that I was talking to today is a little pissed at the conglomerate because they aren't having us train them on the way things are done. This person felt that we should be taking the time to ramp them up and show them how things are done. This non-training was done for a couple reasons: one, yes we were paid to perform a function and we excelled at it. BUT they did not pay for the expertise behind it. In my companies opinion, why should we give them more than what they paid for. They don't want us anymore, that means our intellectual property is just that - OURS.
My company also feels that if the conglomerate feels the pain, then they will want us back. Yes, this may be the case and as I said before this may be wishful thinking, but if they want us back why not buy us. This would make perfect sense, but who am I to say.
I just feel like a big baby over this thing. All I want to do is dump on them and I'm sure it's starting to get on peoples nerves. I just need to shut up and do my job.
Since then, we have continued to sub contract with the large conglomerate. Up until about two months ago, things were running fairly well and at that time we were informed that our subcontract work was diminishing and that we would be done at the end of the year. In my case it's happening at the end of this month.
I am working on a new and exciting project which I have been ramping up on, but I am really going to miss my "old thing"
I have been with "Exchange" since it's inception over three years ago. This has been my baby, I have written scripts, tested it and worked with three other product groups to make sure everything runs seamlessly. Now it's being ripped away.
I understand the conglomerates reasoning for this, it saves money and they would rather pay their own people instead of higher contract rates. BUT no one at the conglomerate knows how Exchange works - in their words - it's a black box.
In the beginning of this project when there would be problems with data "exchanging" between two databases, it was "an Exchange issue." In most of the cases, we have proven that it was a problem in either the subscribing or publishing databases. Finding these problems made the other systems better.
The thing about Exchange is that it's a delicate program. One little change in code by someone clueless about how it works and the whole thing comes falling down. It really is a beautiful machine. I know it sounds corny to talk about it this way, but this has been my life for a long time and I feel like I am losing a loved one.
We have been talking around the office about what a cluster fuck this move has been on the part of the conglomerate. They have no one in place that knows this product, or the VFIN product for that matter. The people they are "promoting" to QA have never tested before and only one has an accounting background. The two developers put on Exchange don't even have it installed on their machines yet - this with less than two weeks till turnover time.
One of these QA people has been working product support for a while. I really like this person, but his retention is bad. He and I have had the same conversation at least 20 times regarding a certain problem - and he still has to call me to "jog" his memory. I really would hate to see him try and do level 3 support with customers if he can't remember after two years what an object reference error mean.
We all seem to think that the employees taking over for us at the conglomerate are going to fuck up and we'll be hired to clean up the mess. In my opinion this is wishful thinking. Yes, they are going to have a very hard time getting up to speed and they will probably fall on their face, but this conglomerate has made it clear they do not want us working on their standard product.
Since all this has happened, I have been moved to the custom team and I am working on projects unrelated to the conglomerate. However, most of our custom work is with the conglomerates customer. This is fine and dandy, but what if the conglomerate decides to stop selling this particular product set - where does this leave us? Not in very good shape. This is all we know for the most part and I think we are keeping all our eggs in one big basket. If that basket falls over, those eggs break and our company may fall apart.
I trust management in the company that this won't happen, but you never know.
The new QA person that I was talking to today is a little pissed at the conglomerate because they aren't having us train them on the way things are done. This person felt that we should be taking the time to ramp them up and show them how things are done. This non-training was done for a couple reasons: one, yes we were paid to perform a function and we excelled at it. BUT they did not pay for the expertise behind it. In my companies opinion, why should we give them more than what they paid for. They don't want us anymore, that means our intellectual property is just that - OURS.
My company also feels that if the conglomerate feels the pain, then they will want us back. Yes, this may be the case and as I said before this may be wishful thinking, but if they want us back why not buy us. This would make perfect sense, but who am I to say.
I just feel like a big baby over this thing. All I want to do is dump on them and I'm sure it's starting to get on peoples nerves. I just need to shut up and do my job.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Quick Quip
What is it about the health nuts in the office building running on the road when the have miles of paved paths to run on?
I don't get it, on the left side of the road is a sidewalk, but these people insist on running on the road to my right. Is there something sissy about running on the sidewalk?
I can't tell you how many times I have rounded the corner at my office park and almost hit one of these runners. The sad part is that I would be at fault because they were running on the road - ugh...
I don't get it, on the left side of the road is a sidewalk, but these people insist on running on the road to my right. Is there something sissy about running on the sidewalk?
I can't tell you how many times I have rounded the corner at my office park and almost hit one of these runners. The sad part is that I would be at fault because they were running on the road - ugh...
Thursday, October 13, 2005
A New Addition
As of 7am yesterday morning there was a new addition to the Mackrell Klan. JJ (Jonathan Jr.) was born and I have never felt so much unconditional love for someone.
It's weird that I would have these feelings for a child just hours old. I can't imagine what a mother feels like after she gives birth. This is nothing like that, but the emotion I felt before JJ was born quadrupled the minute he was born.
I walked into the room yesterday with Gordon. Jon handed me the baby and I was in in love. I was in love with this baby that has my husbands blood in his veins. JJ may not have any of my bloodline, but I feel that I have this wonderful opportunity to make an impact on someones life like I have never had before. Does this sound strange?
JJ has the longest fingers I have seen on a newborn. His fingernails are long and slendor, like those that every woman wishes she had. His little nose is perfect and he has a birthmark running from his forehead down to the tip of his nose.
When he is angry, he face scrunches like his uncle Ben's. His eyebrows arch and his nose comes up with a look that says he wants to cry, but instead he makes a moaning baby noise, then doses back to sleep.
I want to memorize every inch of his face and never forget that something so wonderful can come from two people so in love. His parents are like two old souls that are so comfortable with each other, they know what the other is thinking before they say it.
To see the joy on Jon's face when he handed JJ to me was worth every dollar I ever made. He was wearing a Budweiser like shirt that had a big D instead of B. The shirt said "King of Dads" I have never seen anyone so happy and fullfillled to be a father.
Amie was a trooper through the 18 hours of labor she endured. She is a beaming mother. I know she was worried about the pain, but she made it through. When I saw her yesterday, she looked relieved to be done with the labor. She and Jon slept from 5pm yesterday until this morning, they needed it and will need the sleep with the newborn at home.
Oh well, I have to run. More pictures to follow
Monday, October 10, 2005
Another Monday Morning
I went to bed angry last night. I typically don't do that, but my husband has lost his sense of tact over the past few weeks. I am PMSing, so I know I haven't been myself, but some of the things he said to me this weekend were down right mean.
Last week I was really sick, I missed one day of work but managed to struggle through the rest of the week. When Saturday came around, I was exhausted and slept alot. After a 3 hour nap I woke up and went in the other room where he was watching tv. I'm not in the room 5 minutes when "what did you do all day today?" came from his mouth in a snide tone. I explained that I got laundry done, took the cat to the vet and ran some errands. This questioning annoyed me some, but I let it go.
Yesterday he went to my Dad's to help him out with some stuff. I did some cleaning, laundry and worked on the computer. When he got home it didn't look like I had done a lot so the "what did you do all day today?" came out of his mouth again. At this point I am starting to get annoyed with him. I explained what I had done all day again. He then proceeds on this "I do love you" thing because he knows I am getting really pissed at him.
Last night was the real kicker though, we're sitting on the couch and he turns to be and says, "So when are you starting that diet?" Huh? He repeats, then explains that I talked about starting a diet about a month ago and it looks like I have gained weight instead of loosing it. I looked at him in pure disgust and expalin to him that I am PMSing and am bloated (something he wouldn't understand). Doesn't he realize that I hate the way I look and I am not very proud of myself right now? I have been trying to eat healthier, like tuna for lunch and eating pretzels instead of chips. I even bought lunch meat yesterday so I wouldn't have to buy lunch out all week.
What gets me is that he launchs into the "I love you and I worry about you" thing after all this talk about diets. I know that he loves me and wants to see me lose weight, which is fine, but when someone looks like he does then gets on my case, then I start to get bitchy about it. It makes me want to go eat an entire bag of double stuff oreos, but I do have some will power.
He just called and I went off on him. I explained what the problem was and we talked things out. Boy I feel better already.
Last week I was really sick, I missed one day of work but managed to struggle through the rest of the week. When Saturday came around, I was exhausted and slept alot. After a 3 hour nap I woke up and went in the other room where he was watching tv. I'm not in the room 5 minutes when "what did you do all day today?" came from his mouth in a snide tone. I explained that I got laundry done, took the cat to the vet and ran some errands. This questioning annoyed me some, but I let it go.
Yesterday he went to my Dad's to help him out with some stuff. I did some cleaning, laundry and worked on the computer. When he got home it didn't look like I had done a lot so the "what did you do all day today?" came out of his mouth again. At this point I am starting to get annoyed with him. I explained what I had done all day again. He then proceeds on this "I do love you" thing because he knows I am getting really pissed at him.
Last night was the real kicker though, we're sitting on the couch and he turns to be and says, "So when are you starting that diet?" Huh? He repeats, then explains that I talked about starting a diet about a month ago and it looks like I have gained weight instead of loosing it. I looked at him in pure disgust and expalin to him that I am PMSing and am bloated (something he wouldn't understand). Doesn't he realize that I hate the way I look and I am not very proud of myself right now? I have been trying to eat healthier, like tuna for lunch and eating pretzels instead of chips. I even bought lunch meat yesterday so I wouldn't have to buy lunch out all week.
What gets me is that he launchs into the "I love you and I worry about you" thing after all this talk about diets. I know that he loves me and wants to see me lose weight, which is fine, but when someone looks like he does then gets on my case, then I start to get bitchy about it. It makes me want to go eat an entire bag of double stuff oreos, but I do have some will power.
He just called and I went off on him. I explained what the problem was and we talked things out. Boy I feel better already.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Now I know why I'm so screwed up
I was on my way into the office this morning, yeah it's Saturday but I have a ton of stuff to get caught up on, and I was thinking about how happy I am. I know this sounds strange, but in the past I have been stressed out, depressed and miserable. I am really happy, I have a husband who tells me all the time how beautiful he finds me and how much he loves me, and I have a pretty great family and there is no stress there at this time.
So I was thinking about what caused these bouts of depression in my life over the past few years. There are the obvious things like Pete passing on and family troubles, either with Gordy's kids or my nutty family. But the biggest thing that caused my depressive episodes was TIM. Sounds strange that someone's friend can cause something like this to happen, but it's true. I would talk to him on the phone and when I would hang up, I would be sad and I don't know why. I would see him and the depression would last for weeks.
Looking back on it, it was like a part of me went with him everytime we said bye. I don't know if I ever got over our relationship before I moved on and maybe that was a part of it, I don't know.
The past year has been really rough on my with losing Pete and Tim telling me not to call him anymore. With Pete, it was hard because I couldn't flog him for being so stupid. With Tim, it was hard because I could pick up the phone and call, then I would be mad at myself for doing it - there comes that downer again.
Just thinking about him gives me a panic attack and ache to call him. My heart is beating fast and I have to keep myself from pressing speedial 4 on my cellphone. In spite of all this... he is still on my speedial - man am I screwed up when it comes to him.
I need to get started on all that work, I have a ton to do and all this talk about him is bringing me down. I am better than that to let something like this keep me down for long :)
So I was thinking about what caused these bouts of depression in my life over the past few years. There are the obvious things like Pete passing on and family troubles, either with Gordy's kids or my nutty family. But the biggest thing that caused my depressive episodes was TIM. Sounds strange that someone's friend can cause something like this to happen, but it's true. I would talk to him on the phone and when I would hang up, I would be sad and I don't know why. I would see him and the depression would last for weeks.
Looking back on it, it was like a part of me went with him everytime we said bye. I don't know if I ever got over our relationship before I moved on and maybe that was a part of it, I don't know.
The past year has been really rough on my with losing Pete and Tim telling me not to call him anymore. With Pete, it was hard because I couldn't flog him for being so stupid. With Tim, it was hard because I could pick up the phone and call, then I would be mad at myself for doing it - there comes that downer again.
Just thinking about him gives me a panic attack and ache to call him. My heart is beating fast and I have to keep myself from pressing speedial 4 on my cellphone. In spite of all this... he is still on my speedial - man am I screwed up when it comes to him.
I need to get started on all that work, I have a ton to do and all this talk about him is bringing me down. I am better than that to let something like this keep me down for long :)
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