I was horny last night and let my husband know this in a not so subtle way. When things weren't going the way I thought they should, I asked what the problem was. He didn't have to tell me, I knew - ED - I guess I should have realized there was something wrong months ago when things were not as "hard" as they should have been. We've always had a fairly healthy sex life so I didn't really think that much about it, just that maybe he was tired.
Needless to say, I tried to make lite of the situation and said I was going to have to go out and get a "boy-toy". This really put him on the defensive and ticked him off - I was only kidding. We've been together so long that I really never thought of him as getting old, but he turns 50 in 4 months and I really need to realize that things are not going to be the same as what they were when he was 35.
I guess if he needs some help in this department, it shouldn't be a bad thing. I need help in the depression department and he has still been there for me. I guess the whole ED ad campaign makes me think of people my parents age, not my husbands. I really hate getting old, time goes so fast. Things, people and memories we want to hold fast to, tend to slip threw our fingers until they are just a blip on the radar screen of life.
I really have no idea why I am rambling on like this. I need to get to work and accomplish something this afternoon.
Friday, February 18, 2005
What was I doing in the 90's?
I was on my way home from school last night flipping the channels around and came across one playing the 90's at 9. I kept the station there thinking that it would be some good music. After 15 minutes and not knowing a single song, I started wondering why I didn't know any of these songs. I am a music freak, I have about 400 cd's, so for me not knowing any of this music was a little scary. Was I working too much to pay attention to the tunes on the way home? Did my husband have me listen to country too much and I lost touch with what was popular? Don't get me wrong, I like country music, but there was a period of time where that was all I listened to.
After pondering the music "loss" I started thinking about where that decade went to. I graduated from college, got my first job and my second, but the rest seems like a giant blur. I know that this was a time in my life where I put my job first and life came only after that. I traveled with work, I've been in more cities than I ever thought I would be, but I still come back to this blur. Could it be that I was in my 20's and life seemed to stretch out before me without any worries? Now that I am in my mid 30's, I am realizing how precious life is and paying more attention to family and friends instead of worrying about work and when that project needs to be done.
I think I may go out and buy some 90's pop music just to get a grip on what was hip back then or not. Maybe I should keep my memories as they are and create new ones for the time we are living in right now.
After pondering the music "loss" I started thinking about where that decade went to. I graduated from college, got my first job and my second, but the rest seems like a giant blur. I know that this was a time in my life where I put my job first and life came only after that. I traveled with work, I've been in more cities than I ever thought I would be, but I still come back to this blur. Could it be that I was in my 20's and life seemed to stretch out before me without any worries? Now that I am in my mid 30's, I am realizing how precious life is and paying more attention to family and friends instead of worrying about work and when that project needs to be done.
I think I may go out and buy some 90's pop music just to get a grip on what was hip back then or not. Maybe I should keep my memories as they are and create new ones for the time we are living in right now.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
He makes me so mad
I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes he makes me so angry. He's off on Wednesday's so this is his day to do whatever he wants. We opened a new joint checking account yesterday, but he wasn't there to sign the papers, so he had to go in today. The bank isn't far from where I work, so I thought it would be cool for him to meet me for lunch. This is something we rarely do and since he was going to be in the area, I thought it would be fun - kinda like a midweek date. When I mentioned getting together for lunch today, he turned around and sneared "No, I'm not going to lunch with you." He may not have meant it to come out that way, but it did. I quietly turned around and walked away, I was leaving for work and didn't have time to have it out with him for talking to me that way. I was about 10 feet away when I heard him say "I love you." I remember mumbling something but I'm not sure what. I left the house feeling dejected and wanting to cry, but not being able too.
I truly thought after all this he would show up here and take me to lunch - wishful thinking. This is the second time in a week that he has done or said something that has really taken me by surprise. I guess writing it down is the best way to think it out.
I truly thought after all this he would show up here and take me to lunch - wishful thinking. This is the second time in a week that he has done or said something that has really taken me by surprise. I guess writing it down is the best way to think it out.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
To baby or not to baby...
I was thinking the other day how weird it is that the majority of my friends don't have kids, in fact, most aren't even married. What will happen to us when we get old, I would hope we would all be living together taking care of each other - what a hoot, a bunch of old men and women, not married to each other hanging out having a good time.
This brings to the next topic. Gordy and I have been talking about having a baby. It's more him than me and I used to think I would jump at the chance to have a baby, but I am not so sure right now. I am probably at the best place I could be at in my life to make the "baby" commitment, but I am still hesitating. Is it that I can't imagine being a Mom? I think I would be great at it. Am I really afraid of commitment? Or am I looking at things the wrong way, I think I am afraid of F*ing up someone elses life. I look at his kids and wonder how much better off they would have been without me in their Dad's life.
I haven't been the best step mom a person could be, or should be. I always wanted them to like me, but yet I felt I was always in competition with them for Gordy's attention. He told me early on in our relationship that if there was ever a choice, it would be them. I agree with this wholeheartedly and this is the way it should be. I wish I would have been given the opportunity to help with the raising of the kids. Yes, I was here and I tried to instill work ethics, study habits and the such, but I could never say anything without the fear of their Mom freaking on me. Looking back, I should have been more involved, but I had my own life and things I wanted to do. This is all wrong on so many levels, am I a bad person for not being more involved? In some respects, I feel like he and I have led separate lives while being in the same home. He was always the parent, trying to help them out anyway he could. When Ben got in trouble, Gordy came to the rescue and made sure he wasn't thrown out of school. When Jon needed a vehicle, Gordy co-signed for the loan. He may not have lived in the same house as them, but there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of them and want them here with us. I, on the other hand, love them, but don't understand the whole parent child thing from the parents point of view.
This may have something to do with my Mom, yeah her again. She never wanted to treat them like grandchildren, since they aren't her "flesh and blood". In her opinion, since Gordy and I don't have kids together, anything that is mine when I die should be reverted back to MY family. His kids shouldn't get anything of mine - "they won't appreciate it." I think she is way off base with this. I have stipulated that any physical object that I received from a family member be returned to that side of the family, but who cares about the cash, they can have it all. And besides, what does any of this matter two hundred years from now?
Oops, I guess I went off on a tangent... I am still questioning whether or not to have a baby. I don't know if it's a trust issue or what, but I want more communication. Yeah, Gordy and I can finish each other sentences, but he doesn't tell me everything, especially when it comes to the kids. He co-signed for a loan on Jon's truck, Jon would give us the money and Gordy would write the check. The truck was to be paid for this month and we paid the loan off early, which Jon didn't know about - he was to get the title when we got the last of the money from him. I had to get into the safe deposit box the other day and Gordy asked me to put the title into the box. Me being me, asked why wasn't Jon getting it. To my surprise, Jon hadn't been giving us his payment for months now, I was never told. I have really tried to not get mad about stuff like this, but I felt betrayed and not trusted. When he told me Jon hadn't been paying, I felt like someone had dropped something heavy on my chest. Is this what it's like to be a parent where the kid plays the ends against the middle? Do I really want to feel this way with my own child?
No matter what I decide, I need to make the decision soon. The biological clock is ticking and the alarm is going to go off soon.
This brings to the next topic. Gordy and I have been talking about having a baby. It's more him than me and I used to think I would jump at the chance to have a baby, but I am not so sure right now. I am probably at the best place I could be at in my life to make the "baby" commitment, but I am still hesitating. Is it that I can't imagine being a Mom? I think I would be great at it. Am I really afraid of commitment? Or am I looking at things the wrong way, I think I am afraid of F*ing up someone elses life. I look at his kids and wonder how much better off they would have been without me in their Dad's life.
I haven't been the best step mom a person could be, or should be. I always wanted them to like me, but yet I felt I was always in competition with them for Gordy's attention. He told me early on in our relationship that if there was ever a choice, it would be them. I agree with this wholeheartedly and this is the way it should be. I wish I would have been given the opportunity to help with the raising of the kids. Yes, I was here and I tried to instill work ethics, study habits and the such, but I could never say anything without the fear of their Mom freaking on me. Looking back, I should have been more involved, but I had my own life and things I wanted to do. This is all wrong on so many levels, am I a bad person for not being more involved? In some respects, I feel like he and I have led separate lives while being in the same home. He was always the parent, trying to help them out anyway he could. When Ben got in trouble, Gordy came to the rescue and made sure he wasn't thrown out of school. When Jon needed a vehicle, Gordy co-signed for the loan. He may not have lived in the same house as them, but there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of them and want them here with us. I, on the other hand, love them, but don't understand the whole parent child thing from the parents point of view.
This may have something to do with my Mom, yeah her again. She never wanted to treat them like grandchildren, since they aren't her "flesh and blood". In her opinion, since Gordy and I don't have kids together, anything that is mine when I die should be reverted back to MY family. His kids shouldn't get anything of mine - "they won't appreciate it." I think she is way off base with this. I have stipulated that any physical object that I received from a family member be returned to that side of the family, but who cares about the cash, they can have it all. And besides, what does any of this matter two hundred years from now?
Oops, I guess I went off on a tangent... I am still questioning whether or not to have a baby. I don't know if it's a trust issue or what, but I want more communication. Yeah, Gordy and I can finish each other sentences, but he doesn't tell me everything, especially when it comes to the kids. He co-signed for a loan on Jon's truck, Jon would give us the money and Gordy would write the check. The truck was to be paid for this month and we paid the loan off early, which Jon didn't know about - he was to get the title when we got the last of the money from him. I had to get into the safe deposit box the other day and Gordy asked me to put the title into the box. Me being me, asked why wasn't Jon getting it. To my surprise, Jon hadn't been giving us his payment for months now, I was never told. I have really tried to not get mad about stuff like this, but I felt betrayed and not trusted. When he told me Jon hadn't been paying, I felt like someone had dropped something heavy on my chest. Is this what it's like to be a parent where the kid plays the ends against the middle? Do I really want to feel this way with my own child?
No matter what I decide, I need to make the decision soon. The biological clock is ticking and the alarm is going to go off soon.
Music and Boxes
It's been a month since I have written anything, though there have been many "mind" blogs written in my head in that time. I have really found this theraputic.
A week and a half ago I got a CD from a friend of mine. It contained a song she had written about our friend Pete. I had the CD for three days before I could muster up the courage to listen. I'm not sure if I am still in denial or what. Sometimes I find myself picking up the phone to call him and I have to catch myself. I missed the birthday call this year and the fact that my Dad forgot it was my birthday, I must say it was a pretty depressing day. I can forgive Dad, he had a stroke and his mind isn't what it used to be, but I find it hard not to be angry at Pete. I know these type of thoughts should have gone away by now, it's been five months, but I can go for a week or two and think I'm fine. Then BANG, I see something or hear a song and I'm pissed that he's no longer with us. I find myself listening to music that he liked or that he gave me, DePeche Mode. I constantly listen to the CD that was playing the last time I picked him up at the airport - Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head - he loved the piano playing on the CD and wanted a copy of it.
I got box yesterday from Steph. It had some pictures from when Pete was younger, a letter from me when we were Freshman at college, a cancelled check that was made out to me, a picture of Kim, Pete and I at graduation and our Prom pictures. It felt so weird to have these items in my hands again. I had touched some of these things more than 15 years ago and now here they are again. I found this ironic and sort of sad, like our lives and friendship had come full circle and there is no where else to go but forward - alone with the thoughts of all the fun we had when we were together.
A week and a half ago I got a CD from a friend of mine. It contained a song she had written about our friend Pete. I had the CD for three days before I could muster up the courage to listen. I'm not sure if I am still in denial or what. Sometimes I find myself picking up the phone to call him and I have to catch myself. I missed the birthday call this year and the fact that my Dad forgot it was my birthday, I must say it was a pretty depressing day. I can forgive Dad, he had a stroke and his mind isn't what it used to be, but I find it hard not to be angry at Pete. I know these type of thoughts should have gone away by now, it's been five months, but I can go for a week or two and think I'm fine. Then BANG, I see something or hear a song and I'm pissed that he's no longer with us. I find myself listening to music that he liked or that he gave me, DePeche Mode. I constantly listen to the CD that was playing the last time I picked him up at the airport - Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head - he loved the piano playing on the CD and wanted a copy of it.
I got box yesterday from Steph. It had some pictures from when Pete was younger, a letter from me when we were Freshman at college, a cancelled check that was made out to me, a picture of Kim, Pete and I at graduation and our Prom pictures. It felt so weird to have these items in my hands again. I had touched some of these things more than 15 years ago and now here they are again. I found this ironic and sort of sad, like our lives and friendship had come full circle and there is no where else to go but forward - alone with the thoughts of all the fun we had when we were together.
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