I have been running on empty for about a month. I don't mean to complain, but since Michael's death, I have busy taking care of things for my Dad. This week I finally hit a wall.
I had at least four people come up to me and ask "What's wrong, you're not yourself" I finally heard what they were saying and took a step back. It was hard to realize that I was at the end of sanity. I have been stressed about work - I won't even go there right now, Dad, Mike, Gordy, Mom and I haven't taken the time to take care of myself.
So, I am taking a "Me Day" today. I haven't decided what I would do, but I am thinking about grabbing the camera and heading to McConnell's Mills to take some photo's with my new camera. Heck, I may even take the tripod and take some of myself, boy wouldn't that be novile, a picture of myself, there aren't that many of those.
Well, I'm off to take a shower and enjoy my day.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Michael Zelenak aka Michelle Sillyneck
As I stepped out of the shower, a drop of water ran down to the tip of my nose. It was just then that my mom knocked on the door. I figured she had something to ask me before we left on the 12 hour trek back home.
When she walked in the door, I could instantly see the pain in her pale green eyes. She blurted out, "Michael is dead, he killed himself last night." It took a moment for this to register and I shook my head in a defiant no. I didn't want to believe it, he was my dad's partner, a member of my family for almost 30 years, and here was my mom telling me he was gone.
I went numb, what else could I feel, I was standing there naked, bare for all the world to see, with water dripping off my skin, falling to a splatter in the shower below me. As I stood there, anger started to overcome me. How could he do this to Dad, to us, his family?
I stepped out of the shower, allowing her to hold me, still not comprehending what she just said to me. We came out of the bathroom and I went to my room. Getting dressed, all I could do was go into survival mode. Thoughts were swimming in my head, how? why? how was my dad doing? how can I get home faster?
This was three weeks ago and I have just got around to writing all this down. We got home late that night and dad wanted me to stay with him. Since then, I have been helping get things sorted through and giving support. We had a picnic for Mike at my house, since he didn't want any other type of service or memorial. It was nice, his whole family came and we all sat around and bs'ed.
I was at my therapists this past week, she is a blessing, and we talked about suicide and what my thoughts were. Before Rachael and Mike, I thought it was the most selfish thing a person could do to their loved ones. Now, I realize, they were in pain, but that pain is so wide spread. Neither one of them realized how much they impacted other peoples lives. I have opened my mind about suicide and I am not judgemental like I was before.
I'm sure there will be more posts about Mike in the coming months, he was like my brother and I think I understood him more than most people, I guess that's what makes it so hard to comprehend.
When she walked in the door, I could instantly see the pain in her pale green eyes. She blurted out, "Michael is dead, he killed himself last night." It took a moment for this to register and I shook my head in a defiant no. I didn't want to believe it, he was my dad's partner, a member of my family for almost 30 years, and here was my mom telling me he was gone.
I went numb, what else could I feel, I was standing there naked, bare for all the world to see, with water dripping off my skin, falling to a splatter in the shower below me. As I stood there, anger started to overcome me. How could he do this to Dad, to us, his family?
I stepped out of the shower, allowing her to hold me, still not comprehending what she just said to me. We came out of the bathroom and I went to my room. Getting dressed, all I could do was go into survival mode. Thoughts were swimming in my head, how? why? how was my dad doing? how can I get home faster?
This was three weeks ago and I have just got around to writing all this down. We got home late that night and dad wanted me to stay with him. Since then, I have been helping get things sorted through and giving support. We had a picnic for Mike at my house, since he didn't want any other type of service or memorial. It was nice, his whole family came and we all sat around and bs'ed.
I was at my therapists this past week, she is a blessing, and we talked about suicide and what my thoughts were. Before Rachael and Mike, I thought it was the most selfish thing a person could do to their loved ones. Now, I realize, they were in pain, but that pain is so wide spread. Neither one of them realized how much they impacted other peoples lives. I have opened my mind about suicide and I am not judgemental like I was before.
I'm sure there will be more posts about Mike in the coming months, he was like my brother and I think I understood him more than most people, I guess that's what makes it so hard to comprehend.
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