A New Year

As the year is winding down, I must say, I am looking forward to starting fresh. I called 2007 my year of "firsts". I got my first tatoo, went to the Derby, threw myself into my job and getting to travel because of it - San Francisco, Houston and Tulsa. Even though I didn't to see much in Frisco and Tulsa, I brought back a lot of work experience. Houston brought my first trip to a strip joint with the guys. Yes, what a year of "firsts" it was.












2007 also brought a lot of pain, most of it still fresh like an open wound needing to heal, but with a gentle touch still opens it up to bleed. All of this loss has taught me to not take things for granted, tell the people you love that you love them, and friends from the past, let them know what they mean to you.

Baby Jane aka BJ

The look in her soulful eyes said “thank you” but I still felt guilty about letting her go. As the doctor injected that shot, she kept looking at me, then nothing. It was over, 14 years of having a puppy sister. I could feel myself shaking, then I started to cry. It came in waves and I wonder if it was for all the loss that I have experienced this year. Crying for her, yet crying for myself, crying for all the pain my dad has had this year.

She could hardly walk and it was painful watching her try and lay down. It was time and Dad knew it. He called me this morning and wanted me to go with him, he was ready to let go. With all the loss he has had this year, I knew being there with him was the right thing to do.

She was named on a bet, no one would think to name their dog after the Bette Davis character from the movie "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" but Dad did. She was the runt of the litter which made her obsessed with food. She would gulp down a hot dog bun sideways in one swallow. You had to feed her first or Lena (Michael's dog) wouldn't have a chance to eat. We used to say that you could take the girl out of North Side, but you couldn't take the North Side out of the girl - she was our North Side girl. She like to sit on the steps with her butt one step higher than her front paws, we called this Sky Butt. She always had these quirky things she did.

When Dad first moved to Zelie, I used to stop by after work and let her out. This was our special time. I loved having her to myself and showering her with love. We would run around the yard and I would throw her balls, unfortunately she never liked to play fetch, so the balls would just lie there waiting for me to pick them back up.

When Michael died, I think it was Baby Jane that made things bearable for Dad. I knew at that time that she was getting worse, but there was a part of me that wanted her to live forever, just for Dad.

As I sit here writing this, I can see her chasing rabbits and squirrels in a park with Michael watching nearby. I'm glad they are together, I just wish they were together with us here, but they are both happy now and in a better place.

What's it been? Two Months

Wow, things have been so crazy that I haven't had time to write, or is it that I haven't had anything happen worth writing about. Who knows, so here I am.

Some things of note that have happened since my last entry:

We spread Michael's ashes in the middle of October. It was a cold, rainy day when we marched into the woods. Dad kept saying to Greg and I, "How does this work?" Our response in unison, "I dunno, we've never done this before either."

I went prepared with a pair of scissors to cut open the bag and a backpack to carry the box into the woods. Once we found a couple places, we cut the bag open and let dad spread the ashes. It was a sad moment when we were finished. Dad said some sweet words and we walked quietly out of the woods. When we were driving down the road, I noticed the clouds part and the sun come out - how appropriate, I knew then that Michael was finally at peace.

Gordy got a new job - yeah!!! He is working normal hours and only works every third Saturday. He started this week and was home before me twice already. I told he needs to ease me into this new way of living. I am so used to being by myself the majority of the time and now he is around, it's great but it's culture shock. I see this as a new chapter in our marriage, I may even start cooking dinner a couple nights a week.

Pitt beat WVU last night. After such a sucky season, I really didn't expect Pitt to pull this one out. WVU was just too tense and Pitt wanted it more. It really throws a monkey wrench into the National Championship. Go Ohio State!!!

Well, I need to go. Enjoy the pics of JJ (he loved my chocolate chip cookies. I learned one thing, never walk away from a two year old with a CC cookie or it will end up like this) Check out the pic of the owl, he is living in the squirrel house right outside the window.

Runnin' On Empty

I have been running on empty for about a month. I don't mean to complain, but since Michael's death, I have busy taking care of things for my Dad. This week I finally hit a wall.

I had at least four people come up to me and ask "What's wrong, you're not yourself" I finally heard what they were saying and took a step back. It was hard to realize that I was at the end of sanity. I have been stressed about work - I won't even go there right now, Dad, Mike, Gordy, Mom and I haven't taken the time to take care of myself.

So, I am taking a "Me Day" today. I haven't decided what I would do, but I am thinking about grabbing the camera and heading to McConnell's Mills to take some photo's with my new camera. Heck, I may even take the tripod and take some of myself, boy wouldn't that be novile, a picture of myself, there aren't that many of those.

Well, I'm off to take a shower and enjoy my day.

Michael Zelenak aka Michelle Sillyneck

As I stepped out of the shower, a drop of water ran down to the tip of my nose. It was just then that my mom knocked on the door. I figured she had something to ask me before we left on the 12 hour trek back home.

When she walked in the door, I could instantly see the pain in her pale green eyes. She blurted out, "Michael is dead, he killed himself last night." It took a moment for this to register and I shook my head in a defiant no. I didn't want to believe it, he was my dad's partner, a member of my family for almost 30 years, and here was my mom telling me he was gone.

I went numb, what else could I feel, I was standing there naked, bare for all the world to see, with water dripping off my skin, falling to a splatter in the shower below me. As I stood there, anger started to overcome me. How could he do this to Dad, to us, his family?

I stepped out of the shower, allowing her to hold me, still not comprehending what she just said to me. We came out of the bathroom and I went to my room. Getting dressed, all I could do was go into survival mode. Thoughts were swimming in my head, how? why? how was my dad doing? how can I get home faster?

This was three weeks ago and I have just got around to writing all this down. We got home late that night and dad wanted me to stay with him. Since then, I have been helping get things sorted through and giving support. We had a picnic for Mike at my house, since he didn't want any other type of service or memorial. It was nice, his whole family came and we all sat around and bs'ed.

I was at my therapists this past week, she is a blessing, and we talked about suicide and what my thoughts were. Before Rachael and Mike, I thought it was the most selfish thing a person could do to their loved ones. Now, I realize, they were in pain, but that pain is so wide spread. Neither one of them realized how much they impacted other peoples lives. I have opened my mind about suicide and I am not judgemental like I was before.

I'm sure there will be more posts about Mike in the coming months, he was like my brother and I think I understood him more than most people, I guess that's what makes it so hard to comprehend.

Pete

It's been three years since that dreadfull phone call. Amidst all the turmoil in my life right now, I still find that "talking" to you helps with the pain.

I miss you with all my heart and I will always love you my dear friend.

Mary Queen of Scots – Rachael Kerin

When I woke up this morning, all seemed right in the world, at least my little corner of it. The birds were singing and the day was going to be good, because for the first time in over a week, I would be able to drive the Fiat. That little car that makes me feel like nothing can go wrong and lifts my spirits when things do. I’m glad I had that little car today.

I had just arrived at work, settling in for a long week, when I got an e-mail from my friend Scott. In the subject line was Rachael. I figured this was some sort of wacky update on his former spouse, but when I got to the part where “she killed herself last night” I could feel the blood drain from my face. I felt instantly sick and wanted to vomit.

I hadn’t talked to Rachael in about 15 years. It’s not that I didn’t think about her, cause I did. I just never made the effort to pick up the phone and call her. The last time we saw each other, we were juniors in college and had parted ways in a not so friendly way.

I did however know how things where going in her life through Scott. He and I had kept in touch over the years, mainly through e-mail with a call here and there when something major happened that we needed the other one to know about.

He had seen Rachael a couple months ago and said that she was the same old Rachael except that she had some tattoos and had aged a little – we are in our late 30’s, so that is to be expected.

He told me she was in the middle of a nasty custody battle with her latest ex and that things were not going well. She had moved back in with her Mom while she was trying to sort things out with the custody stuff.

After everything I heard yesterday about Rach, I guess this was her way of solving stuff. In my opinion, when things got rough, she ran away. She had a hard time dealing with conflict, even when we were in college. Her way of dealing, was ignoring someone and not talking to them, hoping the problem would go away.

She and I had a falling out our freshman year. I was having some problems with crank callers and a stalker, I asked her to sit in my room until Gordy got there and she told me no. Having the German temper that I do, I got mad and confronted her about it. I thought that I had done more than my share of hand holding with her and I felt that I deserved a little in return. So when I turned around to walk away she followed me down the hall. When I turned around to see what she wanted, she sucker punched me in the face. Needless to say, it was months before we were able to hang out again and that was only because Scott made it happen.

Two years after this, they got married. The four of us all got along well (Gordy was living in the area by then) and we would hang out. For some reason, that winter she thought that Scott and I were doing the deed – we weren’t.

When school was done that Spring, Scott and Rachael were supposed to move to Cleveland. He got a managers position with Chi Chi’s and was going to support the two of them while she finished school. He moved to Cleveland while she went for a visit home. That visit turned permanent and she never lived with Scott again.

I talked to her a couple times after that, but then we lost touch. She got re-married, divorced and re-married again, so I had no idea what her last name was.
About three years ago, I found her at Classmates.com. I looked her address up and had it printed out with every intention of calling – I never did.

I have to say, Rach was the only female friend that ever “got” me. When I went to college, I had friends, but no one really close that really knew me. That is until Rachael. Rach was a little odd, but that is what I liked about her. She marched to her own tune, even though at times it was a little off beat. She was funny and smart and I really liked her taste in music. She got me to listen to The Smiths and Bauhaus, which I love to this day.

She really made the transition to college a good one for me. It was great to have someone around that understood my sense of humor. I loved hers, she had this blow up pterodactyl that she hung from the ceiling in her dorm room. I’ll have to dig out the picture of her and I standing with it above our heads.

She took me to my first Frat party, then helped me home after I drank to much. When we got back to my room, we ordered calzones and drank red Kool-Aid till we both got sick. I can say now that it was funny, but the hangover the next day wasn’t.

Thinking back on all the times I thought of calling her, I never did. I never got that chance to patch things up with the two of us. I was about 30 miles from where she lived last year and wanted to see her. I will never get that chance. It makes you wonder why as humans, we have this need to carry a grudge when life is so short. Yes, Rach was quirky in her own ways, but I really think that with the right direction and some tough love, she could have turned herself around.

Cheers to you Rachel Kerin - you will be loved and missed, and you will definately not be forgotten.

Riders In the Storm

Just a little something I started to write while sitting on the tarmac in a commuter plane in Chicago.

Yes, I am starting that cliche thing again. I am sitting in another teeny airplane riding out a really bad storm. I haven’t seen anything like it in a long time. The wind is blowing, the rain is pelting the windows and the lightening is putting on a show like Fourth of July fireworks.

Feeling the plane shake and move to the wind like a showgirl on a Saturday night is a bit scary. The air is getting stale and the restroom is flowing over, it should make for an interesting combination in another hour.

It wouldn’t be so bad but the seats are flat as a board and my already sore tailbone will be giving me havoc in the morning. The trip was interesting, I started out thinking I would be doing the financial part of the implementation but will end up doing the entire thing, and I only have a month to “get ‘er done”

I would go on to sit like this for a total of three hours. My connecting flight was cancelled and I was fortunate to get a room for the night. When I was leaving the airport, I could see people making themselves comfy for the long evening. I have always had the philosophy that I would never sleep at the airport when I travel on business (isn't that what the corporate cards are for?) and I wasn't going to this night. After arriving at the stuffy hotel and checking in, I went to the bar, grabbed two wines to go and ordered a pizza.

I finally got through to the airline to get my flight rebooked and ended up with a 6am flight. So with a mere 4 hours sleep, I schlepped off to the airport to hop a flight to DC (yes, I said DC). Fortunately, I slept the whole flight and felt refreshed when we landed.

After waiting another 3 hours, I went to board my flight to Pittsburgh. I wasn't too concerned when they put us on a shuttle bus out to the plane as I had been flying commuter flights the whole trip.

I got concerned when they pulled up to a 1950's type propeller plane. Yes, it was small and I really don't have too bad a fear for small planes, but the ride was bumpy as all get out. There was a point that I was praying the plane would land becuase I was going to get sick, fortunately no projectile vomiting took place. I'm sure everyone around me was happy that didn't happen.

When I got to Pittsburgh, I was relieved. I assumed that I could get my luggage and head home - nope... My luggage was still another hour out of Pittsburgh and I had to wait.

So this short little trip I took ended up with 25 hours travelling tacked onto the end instead of 8. Oh well... such is life and it's good to be home.

UPS Guys

What is is about UPS drivers? They all have freaking great legs. I was driving down the road yesterday and as I was passing the UPS truck, I couldn't help but notice the legs on this great looking man. Yummie is all I can say :)

An Old Friend Remembered in Someone New

The body was different, but the mannerisms are the same. A little stutter here and there, Depeche Mode in the CD player, Bluetooth enabled car and Mac fanatic. I have met a younger version of my dear departed friend.

I am in Houston on a business trip and one of the people here reminds me of Pete. At 33 he still lives at home, he has a server farm in his bedroom (no, I didn;t see it, he told me about it) and he runs a Mortal Combat website. Ok, these last couple things Pete didn't do, but in my mind, given time, he may have.

Bishop was the taxi service for us all week. Not once did he complain. I really think he is a lonely soul and really enjoys being around people. Never once did the conversation dull when he was around. It was simple, easy and really geek speak.

It struck me in a sad way saying goodbye to Bishop tonight. It was like saying goodbye to my old friend again, not knowing whether I would see him again or not.

I hope to fall asleep tonight and dream about Pete, all the fun times we had and say all the things to him that I never got the chance to say while he was alive.

M's Update

Wow, alot has happened since the last time I wrote. I was moved off one project at work and given a number of them. This is something new for me, but I am back using the manufacturing and distribution programs that I know and feel at home using.

I spent a better part of April in San Francisco, though I didn't see anything but the four walls of a conference room and my hotel room, I had a great learning experience. I worked with other people doing data migration from one system into another and I got to refresh my Sql writing skills.

So now I am preparing for a trip to Houston for 4 days with one of those days free to do whatever. Trying to decide what to do is a dilemma - go to the aquarium, the zoo, or venture out to the NASA sight. Any input would be welcome.

As for home, things are going well. I am finishing up much needed therapy and things seem to be improving. Though I think dealing with my past will be a lifelong struggle, I am coming to terms with things and realize that I can't change what happened to me, but to chalk it up to someone else's actions and move on. It seems like I have finally found peace, yeah strange I know, but I am stopping to smell the roses and they smell pretty nice.

I went to the Kentucky Derby in May. Yes, I can cross this off my list of things to do before I die. Mom was offered a free trip with one of her vendors and she asked me to go along. It was great to spend some alone time with her, it seems so hard to come by these days, and we had a lot of fun. I got to see Street Sense pass the number 2 horse right in front of me to go on and win the race. The people watching was incredible too. I saw women with fun hats and men dressed in suits with ties. On the other hand, in the infield, I saw a man with a duct tape outfit wearing a giant sombrero (it was Cinco de Mayo) and women mud wrestling in a giant pit of mud. I must say, it was a trip to remember.

Gotta run, need to get ready for that trip. Caio!

Prius v. Hummer

Interesting article...

Click on the Title to check it out.

It's all healed up

Well, here it is, the healed up tattoo.

Gotta run, I'm off to a bachlorette party - fun fun fun :)

Wondering how...

How is it that two people can grow up in the same house, with the same fucked up* environment, and see things completely different?

My brother and I went out the other night. We are both seeing a therapist, each a different one, and we are both dealing with stuff from our childhood. We discussed things that affected us, and much to my surprise, they are as opposite as they can be.

Even though there is only three years difference between the two of us, it seems like we grew up in a completely different house from one another. This got me thinking about the things that affected him. Yes, they were there and they weren't nice, but why have I pushed these to the recesses of my mind, not thinking about them again until he mentioned them? It was the same for him, he never let the things that bothered me, bother him.

Why is this? Is it the age difference? Was it a gender thing? I have no idea, but I think we both turned out pretty well considering :)

* When I say fucked up, I think that every family has something screwy with them, some are just different than others.

Take a Walk on the Wild Side

Some of you may or may not know, but I have been going through some changes over the past year or so. I came up with a saying, "Bike, Boyfriend and a Tattoo" These are things that I have wanted to have as my midlife thing has taken flight. I know I will never have that boyfriend being married and all, but I know that the tattoo and bike are real possibilities.

Today, I took the first step, I got a tatto. It's small and on my shoulder blade, and is of the sun and moon. It didn't hurt like I thought it would, though there were a couple times I thought I might come out of the chair, but I made it. The whole process to about an hour, that included walking in the door and the guy prepping everything. The noise was a little annoying, but hey, no pain, no gain.

Anyway, here are the pics. One of me and Devin, the artist, and the other of the newly uncovered tattoo. It will take about a week to heal, so I will post a better pic then.

This Year - not good so far...

Well, we are three weeks into the new year and my life has been nothing but chaotic. We found out right before the new year that my mother in law was refusing dialysis and she would have a couple days to two weeks to live.

While dealing with all of this, my brother in law came to see his mother one last time. It was an interesting visit and I learned more about my mil than I really ever wanted to know.

After the visit I came to a conclusion, her kids were tokens to her. She used them to brag to all her friends, but when the time came, she didn't want to spend time with them.

She would tell them what they had to do, when they would do it and with whom they would do it with. It was always about appearances to her, her comment "what would so and so think." It was never about what the kids wanted to do.

For instance, Gordy loved playing the Trumpet and would have played to this day, had she not forced the issue on him. She wanted him to go to college and be a business man, he wanted to be a helicopter mechanic, so he quit college 24 credits shy of his bachelors.

Gordy would always be nice to her and include her in family functions, but he really only did it for me. When she would come to these events, she would bring her camera and try to get pictures of him - joke on her, he always ran away.

Before she died, she wanted to see him one last time. He went, but she never said anything to him. She was to busy talking about her two brothers.

My brother in law didn't want to come from California, but felt the pressure from the two sisters, so he came for a visit. He was in town for three days and spent four hours with her. He told me, "I said goodbye to her 20 years ago." Gordy has the same sentiment.

After she passed away, the sisters got a little weird (of course everyone has a way of dealing with things). She wasn't dead 24 hours and they had all of her stuff cleaned out from the apartment she shared with her husband. This to me seemed a bit rushed and I felt bad for him (the husband). The sisters wanted everything out of the apartment because they didn't want the husbands kids getting their "grubby hands on any of mom's stuff."

I must say, I was really glad there was just a memorial service and no viewing. We had been dealing with all of this for two weeks and it was nice to finally get a reprieve from the family.

I won't go into detail about the way she talked to and treated me, but I did not shed a single tear when I heard she died or at the memorial service.

This all happened the weekend of the tenth, last week, my dad's life long best friend passed away suddenly. Bill was the opposite of my mother in law. He was kind, conscientious and just plain fun to be around. Bill was the kind of person that lived life to the fullest and made the best of everything.

When my brother and I were kids, Bill worked at the local amusement park. Dad would take us a couple times a summer, we would get free tickets, and have a blast. The summer I worked at my Dad's company, Bill was my boss. All I can say is there was always something funny happening. As an adult, I remember being in a car with him and the Stones Honkey Tonk Woman came on the radio. He turned it up really loud and started singing. This is probably one of my fondest memories of him.

Dad held up ok, but I went with him to the viewing and the service just to make sure there was someone there to support him. I don't think Bill's death has hit him yet.

Well, let's hope the next three weeks are better for me, it couldn't get much worse :)

Out with the Old, In with the New

Now that 2006 is officially over, I can breathe a sigh of relief. It was a year of ups and downs for me, and I am looking forward to starting over with a clean slate.

Last year brought me the high of obtaining my graduate degree, something I never thought would happen.

It was the year I started taking care of myself, both physically and mentally. Looking in to see the real me - and I liked what I saw - which made me want to change the outer me. I've started walking four to five days a week and have lost 13 pounds since August.

I learned to set goals for myself, like with losing weight. The holiday goal was to maintain my weight, which I have done so far. I am looking at this like baby steps, one size at a time. Yes, I know where I ultimately want to go, but looking at it with mini goals proves that the ultimate goal is achievable.

On the down side, I found myself dealing with a 30 year old wound that was festering inside. Talking about it to a therapist and Gordy made me feel safe, and helped me realize why I am the way that I am. That I can move on, knowing that the wound can heal.

I also thought I wanted something more - a wild side. In my mind, this wild side could only be achieved by being alone. Today, I know that I can be wild and still be with my husband - this was a big change for me last year, a lot of soul searching took place to be at this point.

Last but not least - the fight. I still have nightmares about Dad's neighbor yelling at me, these will pass in time, but nonetheless, I am still haunted by her voice. I may still be naive, but why does there have to be so much hate?

I am still angry that my Dad had to sell his home of 36 years to get away from all the hate, but there would have been more violence if he hadn't sold it. I was afraid of what they would do to him, Mike and the dogs. You get to a point where life is more important than pride.

So, after a long, tearful cry last night, I woke to the sun shining and a brand new year. I am looking forward to this and many more to come :)