Remembering Pete

Before my friend, Pete, passed on last year, I saw him three or four times a year. I would pick him up at the airport and drop him off at his Mom's in Zelie. While he was home, we would get together for a nice evening out or I would cook dinner.

It was during these visits that I got the feeling that his Mom didn't like him spending time with me. I think she wanted him all to herself while he was home. I totally understand where she was coming from, as I would have probably felt the same way.

I always thought that she was too possesive of him. You could call her high maintenance. When she asks for something, she wants it done right away - no exceptions and never mind what else was going on.

The last time I saw his mom was in August when Stephanie was in town for a visit. While we were there, she told us to go through some things of his, as she was going to throw away anything that we didn't take.

Steph and I looked at the room full of stuff and took photo's, communion certificates and other things. The photo's were of events that were milestones in Pete's life - graduation from high school and college, senior pictures, shots of him uniform.

At the time, I was hurt and upset by her actions. In my mind, she was removing any trace of Pete's existence on this planet. To her, it was like he was never born. She was the same way when her husband died - get rid of everything and pretend it never happened.

I am not sure if this is a culture thing since they were from Chile, but I always thought it was odd.

Anyhow, I sent a Christmas card to both Mrs. Solis and her friend Pat. I got a return card from Pat, and I was surprised with the "years happenings" letter. She mentioned Mrs. Solis and her big move from Zelienople to Butler to a new condo.

I knew Mrs. Solis was to move sometime in the Fall, but I didn't know that it happened. I guess I would expected a call or a change of address note.

When I called Sue to ask her about it, she had no idea either. Considering Sue did a lot for Mrs. Solis, I would have thought she would have known.

My thoughts on this: She's running from the past - she no longer has anything in her life to remind her of Joaquin or Peter. The house, the pictures and the friends are no longer of interest to her. Out of sight - out of mind.

Fortunately Peter will live on through his tried and true friends: Steph, Sue and I. We will never stop loving him. He will remain with us in our hearts and will always watch over us.

What's in a Name?

This year, I handed out Christmas cards to the people in the office building - the cleaning lady, Jean, and the Maintenance, Rocco and Bruce. There was a reason for this besides being nice, I wanted Bruce to know what my name was. Yeah, I have been waiting for Christmas for months just for this reason - I am so devious...

I planned on putting the cards under the door to Rocco and Bruce's office, but I ran into Jean and knew she had a key and would put them on their desks. I didn't think to much more about it.

About half an hour later, I heard an unfamiliar voice talking with loudmouth Lisa, but I didn't pay to much attention. I went back to work and a moment later, I could feel someone standing behind me. I turn around, there is Bruce.

At first, I am taken back by the fact that he's standing at my desk talking to me. I'm not sure what he wants - is it to thank me for the card? All sorts of weird questions are flying around my head. After what seemed like forever, he asks if I was the one that called in the ceiling leak.

At this point in time, my entire periphrial vision disappeared and all I could see was him. It was like looking through a telephoto lense before taking a portrait of someone.

I gave him my best smile and said, "No, sorry. I haven't heard anything about a ceiling leak."

He said good bye and left. As I sat there gathering my thoughts, I realize how stupid I must have sounded. Then I couldn't concentrate or remember what I was supposed to be doing.

When I finally got back to work after agonizing over what I was working on, I feel someone standing behind me again. Then it happened, he spoke my name.

"Margie, I wanted to thank you for the Card. I was really nice and you didn't have to do that."

The lense just closed in again and it was just him and I. I was bumbling for words and finally came out with, "You guys are always so nice to me, it's the least I can do." I rambled on about something else, then lost eye contact.

He had to have known I was really embarassed, my face must have been 500 different shades of red. He said bye and left.

Looking back on it now I have to smile, my plan worked - He knows my name

Marge - your'e an idiot...

I swear, I am a complete idiot. Give me an inch and I hide in a hole. I was outside getting something from my car at that all important time - you know, when the maintenance man is leaving work. Anyhow, it's almost dark and I know that he's about to come around the corner. I shut the car door and there he is.

"hey, have a nice night."

"yeah, working." was my lame response. Then he stops waiting for me to explain why I am working late.

"Did you work all day."

"Yep. We are working on a big project that's due at the end of December, so I am working a lot of hours."

"Too bad, I hope you at least make some OT."

"Have a nice night."

"You too."

Ugh, as goofy as I act, this guy must know that I have a crush on him. No matter when we talk to him, I turn 10 different shades of red and bumble my words.

It's not like I am available to pursue anything, nor do I really want to. I just enjoy the thrill of the hunt - wow that is wrong on so many levels.

Maybe I want to know if someone, other than my husband, finds me attractive. Is this possible? I would like to think so, but I doubt it.

Sunday Morning

I woke up this morning in the arms of my husband. It felt good to have his strong biceps around me, making me feel needed and loved.

We were out last night for the company Christmas party and got home late. It was so nice to sleep in this morning. We laid in bed and discussed conversations that took place at the party. Gordy is really good at people watching and told me some things that I hadn't noticed at the party.

He told me that Darrin was really annoyed with our new employee, Lisa. She is an overbearing person that tries too hard to be accepted. I didn't realize people thought this way about her until she weazeled her way into our limo going from the Bill Cosby show and dinner. She grabbed a hold of Trevor's ear and wouldn't let go. I could tell he was really annoyed with the whole situation and would have walked away from her if he could.

The thing about Lisa is that she means well, but she pushes too hard to be liked. She comes around when everyone is busy and just stands around. She doesn't know when to leave, especially when she's standing at my desk and someone comes over to ask me a question - she stays like she is part of the question.

Another thing that bothers me is her lack of personal hygiene. Her teeth look like they haven't been cleaned in 15 years. I have to say, dirty teeth is one of my biggest peeves. Her hair looks like it hasn't been brushed for weeks. I don't understand why someone hasn't said something to her about this since she is representing us at client sites. I also don't trust her networking abilities, though she has come into our company to fill some big shoes.

Besides the dirty teeth, she is LOUD. Her inside voice belongs on a varsity football cheerleading squad the day of the big game. I can have my headphones on at the office listening to music at a high decibel rate, and can hear her talking to people on the phone or just in general. One day I heard her on the phone talking to someone over the speaker. This is a no no at the office, there are too many of us to pull a stunt like this - Darrin would have freaked if he would have heard that.

oh well, enough bitching about Lisa. Back to the Sunday morning thing... We had a great morning, it was pretty much typical. Cuddling, talking, getting up and having coffee and breakfast. I really enjoy these times becuase it's just us. This is really the only time of the week that we sit and talk. I cherish these moments and look forward to Sunday mornings with Gordy.

Thanksgiving and the In-Laws

We went to my brothers for Thanksgiving. I wasn't really looking forward to going becuase my sister-in-laws entire family was going to be there.

They are a different sort of people. The oldest sister Sue is married to a member of the local school board. He is also a business owner, they build expensive houses and thinks the entire family is beneath he and his wife. Sue walks around with her nose up in the air and he looks down upon people whose homes are less than the ones he builds.

Melissa is the nice sister. She and I were in the band together in high school and I always thought she was a nice person. She and her husband have four kids, she is a stay at home Mom and he is a teacher. They don't have a lot of money, but they are happy with what they have.

Jennifer is the piece of work. At 31 she is on marriage number three. The first one lasted six months and the second, six weeks. I never met the first husband, but the second one was really nice. They lived together two years before the wedding, so I can't figure out why she couldn't be happy after the wedding. She married Billy this summer, and again, he is a wonderful guy. I asked my brother, Greg, how things were working out with Jen and Billy, Greg told me there were some rumors going around that things weren't too well. Billy has been traveling with his job and you know the saying, "when the cats away, the mice will play..." Apparently she has been doing some things that she shouldn't be doing. When they got married, my brother bought them power tools, so when they got divorced he would get something from the wedding. I honestly think that if things go South with Billy, the family will keep him and get rid of her. Greg says she's really two faced and would cut someone down any chance she gets.

There is another sister, Debbie, but she lives somewhere in Virginia and I have only ever met her once. Kelli seems to think she is gay - but who really cares if she is.

Now that you have the lowdown on the family, here's what happened...

My Mom went to Greg and Kelli's house on Wednesday to make the pies. She spent the night so she could help out with the turkey the next morning. When I talked to my Mom later, she said that she and Greg did everything - Kelli didn't lift a finger to help out.

Anyway, they were planning on eating around 4:00. Gordy and I got there at 2:00 and we were the only people there besides Greg, Mom and Kelli. They had a ton of snacks so we ate some and had some really good drinks. At 3:15 the only other person to arrive was my Dad.

I don't know about other families, but in mine, when there is a holiday dinner being prepared, we generally spend the whole day together.

Anyhooo, people started arriving at 3:45 to eat at 4:00. There were some people running a little late, so we ate at 4:30, which is not a big deal. When dinner was done and the dessert eat, Kelli's entire family started leaving. There was no sleeping on the couch watching a football game, no joking with each others bellies from the huge dinner - nothing... I thought this was the strangest holiday I have ever been a part of.

Crushes

I was talking with Gordy the other day about my "crushes" and how they last a long time.

First it was Tim. Yeah he and I dated for awhile, but there was always this "thing" between us even after we were married to other people. No, there was never a sexual relationship, but I always loved him in a way (albeit unhealthy). It took a disaster in my life to realize that he was never really a friend and this "thing" between us was just an image I had in my head.

Then there was Scott. Now there was some serious sexual tension between the two of us. We had a brief fling - the best sex I ever had - but I knew it would never last, I didn't trusted him. I talk to him about once a year to say hi and catch up with each other's lives. It took me awhile to get over him because things were so intense, but there is nothing now.

~Trevor. Solid, fun loving, never been married and always chasing after the wrong girl, Trevor. He was my very first obtainable crush. I have known T longer than I have known Gordon. We were and always will be friends. For a brief period of time when I started working here, I thought there could have been something more. I was going through a bad time at home and T was something to think about other than the bad stuff. I look back on that period of time and think - Marge, you were such an ass.

Finally, there is my wonderful, adoring husband - my forever crush. If something ever happened to him, I don't think I would ever get over it. We just are. I don't know how to explain it, but where I end, he starts. We both enjoy making the other one happy. When I was younger, we had a lot of problems. I think it was do to me being so young.

Oh well, he just called. We have a date tonight and he wanted to know if I was ready yet - what a guy.

Just Turn Around Now...

I had just finished up in the restroom when I heard your keys jangling outside the door to your "office." I thought I had missed you and felt a wave of sadness wash over me.

I try to make it a point be in the foyer around the time you leave work - this is an everyday occurance - secretly hoping I would catch a glimpse at those eyes.

It would be an entire weekend before I had the chance to see you again. Then it happened...

I was leaning against the wall talking with Jean when you brushed passed me. You didn't see me as you walked by and said "goodnight" to Jean.

At that point something unintelligible came out of my mouth that sounded like "have a nice weekend" but wasn't.

It was only five more steps until you realized it was me, then you turned around. You leaned left just enough to catch my eye. There it was, those eyes and that smile, all for me. I looked at you and blushed, "Have a nice weekend," you said. "You too Bruce," was my lame respose.

All that and you turned around and walked away, head down. It was all I could do not to run after you, but I stayed and finished my conversation with Jean.

I must say this whole thing is ludicrous and very high school. I have a crush on this guy, I know his name - first and last - and he has no idea what my name is. He's never asked me and if he knows what it is, he never uses it.

The funny thing is that if I was available, he probably would never ask me out, (here goes that self esteem thing again) I'm overweight, not anything to really look at, and ... well I'm sure there is something else wrong with me that a guy would find fault with.

Dreams

My dream had you in a magazine ad, full page and color – a man accused of murder, found innocent and moving on with his life. The short haired, red head on your arm, your next conquest. All of this and yet you are not happy with the direction life is taking you.

I know who you are, I know your name, but I don’t know why you come to me in the darkness of the night to be with me in my dreams. Your face is familiar, but I can’t seem to touch it.

You walk into the room, my heart races and I can’t speak. What is my problem? I am happy with my life and my love, but you seem to cut into my world with your deep green eyes.

Later I see you and take just a brief moment to watch. Watch your actions, the way you walk with your head down. Are you unsure of yourself or just deep in thought?

The way you turn to talk to me when we pass makes me feel important, like I am the only one around. It’s almost as if to say you enjoy those brief five second conversations though nothing is “really” said.

OK OK, I am rambling about a dream I had last night about the maintenance guy. I was also in a creative mood and thought I would explore my thoughts on the subject. Nothing to worry about, all is well at home and I am enjoying a little crush - Gordy knows about it :)

Quick Quip

Yeah another bitching post...

Gordy and I were at a local department store last night looking for a recliner for Jon and Amie. The one they have is really uncomfortable and I think it's broken.

Anyhow... We walk into the furniture department and there are about 10 kids hanging out talking. I thought this was a little weird, but still kept looking at the chairs. After about 10 minutes of the idle chatter and wondering eyes of young people, I started to get pissy. Their bubble gummed tennis shoes on nice white leather made me feel bad for the sales person.

One set of teens where hanging out on the electric beds, they were moving the bed into the upright position, then back to flat.

When the sales associate came over to great us, I asked why the kids were there. He sais they do this all the time. These kids had been there for about two hours talking and sitting on the furniture. I then wanted to know why he didn't tell them to leave - it's store policy not to approach them, was the answer.

I can understand why the associate wouldn't want to approach these delinquents to leave, one, they could pull out a gun and two, they may be future customers. Though I doubt the associate will be there when these kids are old enough to buy furniture.

What would the parents of these kids think if they knew their kids where hanging out in the furniture section of a department store disrupting customers? Would they be upset? Do the parents really care where their kids are on a Saturday night?

What has happened to our society that people have no respect for one another? I would never have done anything like that becuase my parents would have been disappointed with my actions.

I wonder if I should write a letter to the local paper? Maybe this would be a wake up call to parents, though I doubt it.

Taking Advantage

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me ranting about the "guests" my company has leased space to on a temporary basis?

They have been loud and rude, but we have all learned to co-exist fairly decent considering the situation. I think the thing that has bothered me and my co-workers is that the rumor mill has gone around and they aren't paying their rent to us. Considering it's only 1500 a month for class A space they are getting away cheap.

I found out by accident that we are going to lease the entire space (ours plus the old Lilly space) then sublease the old Lilly space to Trilliant. I am curious to see what Darrin has to say about the whole thing and how he is going to react to the uproar when he announces that we are leasing the whole space and subleasing to our "guests" it's gonna be funny.

I guess what boggles me is that this guy takes advantage of Darrin. He strutts around like he owns the place. He leaves his coffee cup in the kitchen sink, and can't muster up enough energy to open the dishwasher to put the cup in. His kids come in and run around the office, they use our ping pong table for fun and are just plain rude.

They hired a new guy and he moved into our networking lab - there wasn;t anywhere else to put him. The guy is arrogant and looks at all of us like we are invading his place of business.

Another thing that makes me angry about the whole thing is that if they don't pay their rent my bonus will be affected. How will my company be able to honor the bonus plan when expected money is not coming in.

Oh well, I guess the management team knows what is best and if Trilliant doesn't pay, then they will get kicked out. I need to trust the higher ups for the betterment of the company and I have no right to complain

Change of Seasons

I am sitting in the office this morning nursing a headache watching the leaves fall from the trees. The weather here is beautiful and there isn't a cloud in the sky this chilly Sunday morning. Stop and smell the roses, Gordy says...

I had a scare early Friday morning and I have been doing a lot of thinking about life in general since then.

When I woke up at 2:13am with no feeling in my arm, I didn't think to much about it. After 10 minutes of trying to get the feeling back in my hand, I got lite headed and the back of my neck and shoulders got tingly - I knew something wasn't right. My heart pounded like I was running a marathon and I couldn't stop shaking. I ran to the kitchen and took two aspirin then woke Gordon up. He called 911 and the ambulance came.

They took me to the local hospital and ran a series of tests. The tests came out negative, which is good. After some thinking, I believe I have an anxiety attack.

The evening before I was looking at my body in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I was upset at how I have let myself go and how lacadasial I have become about life.

I have also been under a lot of stress at work with the loss of my project and moving onto other things. I also think my family has caused a lot of stress in my life. Actually thinking about my family, yes they are who they are, but I tend to look deeper into things than I probably should. I need to let go and not internalize my feelings.

I would really like a vacation away from everything. Sit on the beach and read, think and ponder the meaning of life. Hike in the mountains and enjoy the wildlife around me. See a new city and discover what makes that city so special. Anything, just get away from it all.

I look out the window and see the wonderful world I live in. I am really blessed. Blessed to have a great husband and family. Blessed to be alive.

Really Annoyed

Is it to much to ask my lone developer to make sure things work before he checks them in?

This wouldn't be such a big issue if he hadn't spent half the afternoon playing ping pong or poker. I am so fucking po'd right now. I just want to get this build out the door and he had two things to make sure he got right. He didn't, but when I try and find him, he's off playing poker.

This wouldn't be such a huge deal, but he's a contractor and he's probably turning time in for a job when he is playing poker.

This was supposed to be the last build, but I am going to need yet another one becuase of him.

I just feel like freaking out on him and I am really trying to be nice and not do that. I wish there was a restaurant size freezer for me to walk into and scream at the top of my lungs. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Something I can agree with :)

“A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.” -- Jim Watkins

Feeling a little lost

A year ago this week our largest customer at work was bought out by a huge conglomerate. At that time, we were all afraid of losing our jobs, fortunately only 6 of us were let go at that time.

Since then, we have continued to sub contract with the large conglomerate. Up until about two months ago, things were running fairly well and at that time we were informed that our subcontract work was diminishing and that we would be done at the end of the year. In my case it's happening at the end of this month.
I am working on a new and exciting project which I have been ramping up on, but I am really going to miss my "old thing"

I have been with "Exchange" since it's inception over three years ago. This has been my baby, I have written scripts, tested it and worked with three other product groups to make sure everything runs seamlessly. Now it's being ripped away.
I understand the conglomerates reasoning for this, it saves money and they would rather pay their own people instead of higher contract rates. BUT no one at the conglomerate knows how Exchange works - in their words - it's a black box.

In the beginning of this project when there would be problems with data "exchanging" between two databases, it was "an Exchange issue." In most of the cases, we have proven that it was a problem in either the subscribing or publishing databases. Finding these problems made the other systems better.

The thing about Exchange is that it's a delicate program. One little change in code by someone clueless about how it works and the whole thing comes falling down. It really is a beautiful machine. I know it sounds corny to talk about it this way, but this has been my life for a long time and I feel like I am losing a loved one.

We have been talking around the office about what a cluster fuck this move has been on the part of the conglomerate. They have no one in place that knows this product, or the VFIN product for that matter. The people they are "promoting" to QA have never tested before and only one has an accounting background. The two developers put on Exchange don't even have it installed on their machines yet - this with less than two weeks till turnover time.

One of these QA people has been working product support for a while. I really like this person, but his retention is bad. He and I have had the same conversation at least 20 times regarding a certain problem - and he still has to call me to "jog" his memory. I really would hate to see him try and do level 3 support with customers if he can't remember after two years what an object reference error mean.

We all seem to think that the employees taking over for us at the conglomerate are going to fuck up and we'll be hired to clean up the mess. In my opinion this is wishful thinking. Yes, they are going to have a very hard time getting up to speed and they will probably fall on their face, but this conglomerate has made it clear they do not want us working on their standard product.

Since all this has happened, I have been moved to the custom team and I am working on projects unrelated to the conglomerate. However, most of our custom work is with the conglomerates customer. This is fine and dandy, but what if the conglomerate decides to stop selling this particular product set - where does this leave us? Not in very good shape. This is all we know for the most part and I think we are keeping all our eggs in one big basket. If that basket falls over, those eggs break and our company may fall apart.

I trust management in the company that this won't happen, but you never know.
The new QA person that I was talking to today is a little pissed at the conglomerate because they aren't having us train them on the way things are done. This person felt that we should be taking the time to ramp them up and show them how things are done. This non-training was done for a couple reasons: one, yes we were paid to perform a function and we excelled at it. BUT they did not pay for the expertise behind it. In my companies opinion, why should we give them more than what they paid for. They don't want us anymore, that means our intellectual property is just that - OURS.

My company also feels that if the conglomerate feels the pain, then they will want us back. Yes, this may be the case and as I said before this may be wishful thinking, but if they want us back why not buy us. This would make perfect sense, but who am I to say.

I just feel like a big baby over this thing. All I want to do is dump on them and I'm sure it's starting to get on peoples nerves. I just need to shut up and do my job.

Quick Quip

What is it about the health nuts in the office building running on the road when the have miles of paved paths to run on?

I don't get it, on the left side of the road is a sidewalk, but these people insist on running on the road to my right. Is there something sissy about running on the sidewalk?

I can't tell you how many times I have rounded the corner at my office park and almost hit one of these runners. The sad part is that I would be at fault because they were running on the road - ugh...

A New Addition

As of 7am yesterday morning there was a new addition to the Mackrell Klan. JJ (Jonathan Jr.) was born and I have never felt so much unconditional love for someone.

It's weird that I would have these feelings for a child just hours old. I can't imagine what a mother feels like after she gives birth. This is nothing like that, but the emotion I felt before JJ was born quadrupled the minute he was born.

I walked into the room yesterday with Gordon. Jon handed me the baby and I was in in love. I was in love with this baby that has my husbands blood in his veins. JJ may not have any of my bloodline, but I feel that I have this wonderful opportunity to make an impact on someones life like I have never had before. Does this sound strange?

JJ has the longest fingers I have seen on a newborn. His fingernails are long and slendor, like those that every woman wishes she had. His little nose is perfect and he has a birthmark running from his forehead down to the tip of his nose.

When he is angry, he face scrunches like his uncle Ben's. His eyebrows arch and his nose comes up with a look that says he wants to cry, but instead he makes a moaning baby noise, then doses back to sleep.

I want to memorize every inch of his face and never forget that something so wonderful can come from two people so in love. His parents are like two old souls that are so comfortable with each other, they know what the other is thinking before they say it.

To see the joy on Jon's face when he handed JJ to me was worth every dollar I ever made. He was wearing a Budweiser like shirt that had a big D instead of B. The shirt said "King of Dads" I have never seen anyone so happy and fullfillled to be a father.

Amie was a trooper through the 18 hours of labor she endured. She is a beaming mother. I know she was worried about the pain, but she made it through. When I saw her yesterday, she looked relieved to be done with the labor. She and Jon slept from 5pm yesterday until this morning, they needed it and will need the sleep with the newborn at home.

Oh well, I have to run. More pictures to follow

Another Monday Morning

I went to bed angry last night. I typically don't do that, but my husband has lost his sense of tact over the past few weeks. I am PMSing, so I know I haven't been myself, but some of the things he said to me this weekend were down right mean.

Last week I was really sick, I missed one day of work but managed to struggle through the rest of the week. When Saturday came around, I was exhausted and slept alot. After a 3 hour nap I woke up and went in the other room where he was watching tv. I'm not in the room 5 minutes when "what did you do all day today?" came from his mouth in a snide tone. I explained that I got laundry done, took the cat to the vet and ran some errands. This questioning annoyed me some, but I let it go.

Yesterday he went to my Dad's to help him out with some stuff. I did some cleaning, laundry and worked on the computer. When he got home it didn't look like I had done a lot so the "what did you do all day today?" came out of his mouth again. At this point I am starting to get annoyed with him. I explained what I had done all day again. He then proceeds on this "I do love you" thing because he knows I am getting really pissed at him.

Last night was the real kicker though, we're sitting on the couch and he turns to be and says, "So when are you starting that diet?" Huh? He repeats, then explains that I talked about starting a diet about a month ago and it looks like I have gained weight instead of loosing it. I looked at him in pure disgust and expalin to him that I am PMSing and am bloated (something he wouldn't understand). Doesn't he realize that I hate the way I look and I am not very proud of myself right now? I have been trying to eat healthier, like tuna for lunch and eating pretzels instead of chips. I even bought lunch meat yesterday so I wouldn't have to buy lunch out all week.

What gets me is that he launchs into the "I love you and I worry about you" thing after all this talk about diets. I know that he loves me and wants to see me lose weight, which is fine, but when someone looks like he does then gets on my case, then I start to get bitchy about it. It makes me want to go eat an entire bag of double stuff oreos, but I do have some will power.

He just called and I went off on him. I explained what the problem was and we talked things out. Boy I feel better already.

Now I know why I'm so screwed up

I was on my way into the office this morning, yeah it's Saturday but I have a ton of stuff to get caught up on, and I was thinking about how happy I am. I know this sounds strange, but in the past I have been stressed out, depressed and miserable. I am really happy, I have a husband who tells me all the time how beautiful he finds me and how much he loves me, and I have a pretty great family and there is no stress there at this time.

So I was thinking about what caused these bouts of depression in my life over the past few years. There are the obvious things like Pete passing on and family troubles, either with Gordy's kids or my nutty family. But the biggest thing that caused my depressive episodes was TIM. Sounds strange that someone's friend can cause something like this to happen, but it's true. I would talk to him on the phone and when I would hang up, I would be sad and I don't know why. I would see him and the depression would last for weeks.

Looking back on it, it was like a part of me went with him everytime we said bye. I don't know if I ever got over our relationship before I moved on and maybe that was a part of it, I don't know.

The past year has been really rough on my with losing Pete and Tim telling me not to call him anymore. With Pete, it was hard because I couldn't flog him for being so stupid. With Tim, it was hard because I could pick up the phone and call, then I would be mad at myself for doing it - there comes that downer again.

Just thinking about him gives me a panic attack and ache to call him. My heart is beating fast and I have to keep myself from pressing speedial 4 on my cellphone. In spite of all this... he is still on my speedial - man am I screwed up when it comes to him.

I need to get started on all that work, I have a ton to do and all this talk about him is bringing me down. I am better than that to let something like this keep me down for long :)

Is it to much to ask?

I bought a bra at Victoria's Secret a couple months ago. As many of you know, these things aren't cheap. Anyhoo, this particular bra has a problem, the straps keep falling down.

One would think that with hooters as big as mine that gravity would help hold the straps in place. Not with this bra, I am constantly readjusting the straps when the fall down my shoulders. It doesn't matter where I am, a meeting, out to lunch or trying to impress the maintenance guy, Bruce, they fall down and I have to pick them back up - what a picture that must be in your mind...

I don't have any other bra that acts like this, just the pretty green one. Is it something I am doing wrong or is it like a defiant teenager trying to piss me off?

Maybe I need to hire a manboy that will hold my breasts in place. That would make both of us happy :) I'm sure if I made enough money my husband would be more than happy following me around all day keeping my hmm huhs pointing towards the sky.

Oh well, enough of that. I just made myself smile :)

The Family Reunion

It's been awhile since I have posted, but I really haven't had too much to say. Anyway, I was in Maryland for a family reunion over the weekend.

The weekend started out fine, my cousin Karen and I left Friday morning and drove to a town just south of Ocean City. We had our usual laughs and chats about her disfunctional love life. I love Karen a lot, but she really needs to get rid of the idiot obsession. She has this habit of getting to know a guy by being friends, they spend time together and she develops a crush, which never amounts to anything but heartache for her. To be honest, I get tired of hearing about it.

Anyhow another quip I have is that she NEVER uses cruise control on the interstate. The only time the cruise in her car has been used is when I use it. Now I wouldn't have to much of an issue with this, except she never maintains the same speed. She could be going 65 one minute, then 85 the next - ugh... Me being the control freak that I am, this drives me up a wall.

Enough of that :) Friday night we went to my cousin Linda's for Crabs and had a blast as you can tell.

Saturday was the day of the reunion and what an interesting one it was. My uncle told my aunt, his sister, that he now understood why her daughters didn't like her - she treats strangers better than she treats her family. Of course he told my mom and cousin that he did this and neither one of them were happy with his honesty. Mom was worried about all the bitching she was going to hear on the way home with my aunt. My cousin figured it would just make things worse.

When my Mom was a kid, my grandmother felt that she (my grandmother) was the black sheep of the family and that her parents didn't like her. It's amazing how we perceive things. Anyway, all the grandchildren (my mom's cousins) were talking about what they received from their grandmother Bailey. Of course, my mom, aunt and uncle did not get anything from her. My mom felt like it was having salt rubbed in an old wound, so she cried. I had to tell her that some people don't realize what they are saying and let her know that it really doesn't matter, she has good memories and personal possesions are just that.

My aunt was talking crazy stuff all day long, she is so full of crap that I have to walk away. Here's one scenario. When my cousin Sherry was little, she tripped over a sleeping dog. The dog freaked out and bit her in the face. To this day she has a scar under her right eye. My aunt, Sherry's mother, tried to tell my uncle that it was Sherry's fault that the dog bit her and that the way skin stretches and moves as you age, that the scar was now down on Sherry's neck - total bullshit!!!! She told people that she checked herself out of the hospital after she had quadriple by-pass and spent three weeks unconscious. No, she didn't check herself out, they moved her to a rehab center. To bad it wasn't a mental rehab center :)

My aunt is a compulsive liar. After my two cousins were born, each to different fathers (not that there's anything wrong with that), she moved back to Pittsburgh so my grandparents could help her out with the kids. Anyhow, she ended up pregnant for the third time and told my grandmother that she got pregnant from a toilet seat - and my grandmother believed her!!! She ended up giving the child up for adoption and never telling her kids that they have a half-brother. My mom got drunk one day on our beach vacation last year and blurted it out that Karen has a half brother. Karen wasn't to angry, but has never questioned her mother about this child.

Oh well, I did get to meet some really cool people at the reunion. I have a cousin Kim that Fosters mentally challenged kids. I have the utmost respect for her and her husband, they have six foster children and they are all well behaved.

My cousin Tina, was a real bitch. She didn't speak to anyone other than her immediate family. I tried on multiple occasions to have a conversation with her and she looked at me like I was a crazy person. Her kids were the same way, I would say hi and they would hide behind her leg or run away. All the other kids were real friendly except hers. From what I hear, her husband doesn't speak to anyone he doesn't know and expects her to be the same way. Man, what a way to live...

I have to run, I have homework to do before class this week.

Quick Quip

I am organizing a baby shower for one of the guys at work. He and his wife are having their first child, and we always throw a shower for a couples first baby.

I have sent out four reminders about this, and I never expect more than 5 bucks from people. I know that people can be low on cash, but it's the same people that never contribute. This wouldn't be a big deal except one of them, Susan, had everything in her apartment damaged in the flood last year. The company took up a collection and gave her gift cards from the mall that totaled $1000. I know I sound silly and petty, but I don't think it would kill her to throw in 2 bucks for a baby gift.

This quote came from another blogger, whom I hold near and dear to my heart. I think this quote really applies to this situation. Some people are like Slinkies ... Not really good for anything......But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I could just kick myself

I had a dream the other night about Tim. In the dream, something was wrong and he needed help. All day yesterday, I had a weight in my stomach that wouldn't go away and that nagging feeling that something was wrong with him wouldn't leave. I wanted to call his cell phone last night and leave a message that I was worried about him. I know that I am not supposed to call him - his words not mine - but I thought a message would get the point across. Anyhow, I didn't make that call last night, so I thought I would try today. Dippy me didn't call his cell, I dialed his work number so I had to talk to him. When he picked up the phone, I didn't recongize his voice (although it's been 7 months since I talked to him). I started off apologizing for calling and felt like an idiot.

He then went into this story about his wife needing an operation and that she was really upset about it. They had been talking about having kids and this operation will leave her without the ability to have them.

Thinking about it now, I shouldn't have called. Although it's nice to know that I still have the ability to call him. I really miss Pete...

Restrooms and Cell Phones

I have seen a lot of things in my short life, but today I heard something that made me wonder where people draw the line these days. I went to the restroom this afternoon at work and when I walked in I heard someone talking. I figured it was two women in the restroom conversing about their boss. Needless to say it wasn't, it was someone sitting on the toilet talking on her cell phone. There is a line that I will not cross and that includes talking to someone on the phone and going to the bathroom. I know that a urine stream can be heard over the phone, and golly if you can hear that, imagine what the flushing sounds like. So as I sat there thinking of things to do to embarass this person, all I could think to do was flush over and over and over. When I started to pee, I thought she would finish her business and hang up the phone - no she kept on talking. When I flushed, I thought she would stop talking - I don't think so. Even after I washed my hands and left, she was still talking.

I guess what really bothers me is that people have no respect for each other anymore. I really don't appreciate some stranger hear me pee in the john. If I wanted that, I would join a group that's into "golden showers" - hee hee hee. It's like the rude people in line that can't hang up the phone to order their meal at McDonalds. Is that damn phone so important that common courtesy has flown the coop? I try to be courteous to service people, as they get a lot of shit to begin with, but when someone with a phone treats them as they don't exist, that really makes me mad.

As I sit here, I wonder what the person on the other end of that phone conversation thought when the toilet flushed. Just thinking about it makes me laugh. What's even funnier was that it was a business call - can you imagine :)

Here's to the loud lady - SHUT UP!!!!!

At the beginning of the year, my company sublet some space to one of the owners "friends". This company is a mortgage broker so a lot of personal/private information is changing hands. In someones infinate wisdom, they put the mortgage company owner in an office (which is fine) and put the other 4 employees in our old marketing department cubes. The only female that works for this company is LOUD. Last week she was discussing bankruptcy, credit scores and all sorts of other things that no one here should be hearing. Anyway, she sits half an office away from me and I can hear her side of entire conversations. It's driving me nuts and I want to say something. People are working from home because it's quieter and they can get more work done without her obnoxious voice.

Another thing these people do that irratates me - they drink the bottled water out of the fridge, our employees aren't allowed to do that, it's meant for our customers. They take the water cooler water to make coffee in their area. They all leave dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher, it's not even a step away.

I am ready to freak on them. I come to work to get stuff done, then they start talking or put the phone on speaker and it's loud. Argggg.

OK, I am going to take my laptop and go to an empty office.

Understanding and Christians

When I was ranting about my Brother and Dad's situation the other day at work, I was talking to my coworker KT about it.

She knows my Dad is gay and she knows how well we get along. I made a comment about how much I loved him and it didn't matter to me that he was gay, he's my dad. I also said, that as humans we sometimes have to see past things that we don't understand or see past things they do, which we may not agree with. Life is to short to be angry and critical of other people just because they are different from ourselves.

KT then said something that got me thinking. She said "Margie I really admire you. You love your Dad just the way he is and just because he is different doesn't matter to you. I know a lot of Christians that would never forgive someone for being gay."

This got me thinking, isn't being a true Christian supposed to be about forgiveness? Didn't Jesus die to forgive us of our sins? If the bible says that being gay is a sin, it shouldn't matter because our sins are forgiven upon our death. I know there would be a battle over this one. In my opinion, no one is free of sin. I have sinned, but I don't feel that I am a bad person. I believe in God and Jesus, and I also feel that treating people as we ourselves would want to be treated is the way we should live. I try to be nice to everyone I meet and treat them with respect, even if their beliefs aren't the same as my own.

I was listening to the radio the other night, The Savage Nation. I listen to this to get other peoples view points of certain issues and on this night, I agreed entirely with what was said. Mike Savage said that as long as a person is good and moralistic, it shouldn't matter if they are atheist, Christian or any other religion. Just because someone doesn't worship the same God, or any God for that matter, doesn't mean they can't be a good person.

When I was younger, I worked with a Jewish woman who made a significant impact on my life. She treated me like I was a daughter. She was so good hearted and loving towards me that I strive to be like her. She taught me about the Jewish beliefs and why they think what they do. Heck, they believe Jesus was a person, just not the Saviour. She taught me that being different is not bad.

I don't go to church and at work this is frowned upon, even though they don't say it. I guess it has to do with some bad experiences I had when I was younger. The church I attended had it's share of hypocrites. Some members would run around on their spouses and do all sorts of crazy things that the church would frown upon, but come Sunday, they were all the most devout Christians you would ever meet. And then there were others that used this social situation to judge others on how much money they had. My parents didn't have a ton of money, so I was looked down upon because we couldn't give that much in offering. When did being a good Christian equate to how much money we give?

A former boss of mine "found God" while I was working for him. This was about five years ago and he still treats his employees like dirt. I don't understand how someone so deeply seeded in the church can leave the sanctuary and go to the office to treat people like he does. I thought it was all about loving one another? When did this change or was it ever that way?

I guess it really comes down to how we live our lives. If we are nice and respectful of others even though we don't go to church, are we going to burn in hell? If we go to church and still treat others like they are scum, will we go to heaven? These are tough questions and I often wonder about the answers.

He's getting older - part deux

It's been an interesting week. Gordon's oldest son called last Friday to see if we wanted to come to dinner on Sunday, we of course accepted. The first thing after he called was to ponder - "what does he want?" This is wrong on so many levels, but with his kids, they don't come around or call unless they want something.

Jon and Amie (named for the Pure Prairie League song) have been together for about three years. They make a good couple and compliment each other. They don't have to dimes to rub together, but they love each other and make each other happy.

We got to their house and where chatting it up when Amie showed me the ring Jon had given her for her birthday in February. They were engaged. Gordy and I were excited with this news as they seem to make the perfect couple. They talked about having a wedding in the fall of 2006 - something small and outdoors. Since they are simple people, they wanted something simple. We told them they were more than welcome to have the reception here at the house. We have more ample room for a small wedding. If it rains, we have the garage and we have the deck for dancing. We can have a bonfire and make it a real good time.

Over the course of the evening, we found out that Ben had also gotten engaged to his minor girlfriend and that they were not planning on getting married for another 6 years. OK, so what's the point of putting a ring on someone's finger if, first, they are underage, and second, they are not planning on getting married for another six years? What's the point on spending that kind of money? I personally think that they have been having problems and he saw this as a way to try and bring them closer. When Gordy asked him why they didn't tell us, Ben's reply was they if someone noticed the ring, they would tell them, but they weren't openly telling people. Gordy said "Ben, this is supposed to be a happy thing, I would think you would want to tell everyone." It's almost like Ben is embarrassed to tell people.

Oh well, back to the dinner. After we ate, we were sitting around playing dice (I have no idea what this was, but I had a pretty good buzz). Amie made some comment about how everyone was in a good mood and they decided to spring it on us that they are having a baby in October. On one hand, I was absolutely ecstatic for them. They 22 and 24, and are old enough to have kids. On the other hand I was really disappointed for myself. I was the one that should have been pregnant before her. They seem so happy about this and don't seem to realize what this is going to cost. Amie seems to think she can collect unemployment while she can't work. I hate to inform her, but in this state, you have to be available for work to collect unemployment, which means she can't collect while she is out on maternity leave. I told them they need to look into some short term disability, which would cover this. I must say, they didn't think a whole lot about this before they got pregnant - but I am still happy for them.

Gordy has been good about this. When I came home and freaked out, more about Ben than anything, he listened to me gripe and nodded his head in agreement.

I told him yesterday, that under no circumstances was I to be referred to as Grandma. I am too young for that and at my age, and the fact I don't have kids of my own, I don't want to deal with feeling old. Gordy also thinks that at 50 he is to young to be a grandfather. He thinks he is still in his early 30's. Oh well, time marches on.

Something I have to say

Ok, here goes... My Dad isn't like most Dad's - he's Gay. For most of the people reading this, that may come as a surprise for others maybe not.

I have known since I was 7 that my Dad, my hero, wasn't the same as other people. It has always been something I have known, even though we didn't talk about it. I used to think it was something I had done wrong that made him that way, but I now know different. I have to say, this is really difficult for me, but it's something I need to do as I had a life changing experience this week.

When my parents separated, Dad dated someone named Pam, she was really nice. But I was young and didn't know any better. He then brought Curtis home. Curtis never liked Greg and I, so that relationship didn't last very long. He also dated someone from Butler that was really nice, he always treated Greg and I like we were his own. I can't remember his name, but he made an impact on my life.

Then there was Mike. They have been together for 20+ years, something straight couples have a hard time doing. Mike lived in Pittsburgh and when Greg and I got old enough, Dad moved to the city too. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was my birthday and Dad was moving. He had been layed off from the railroad for a year and needed to rent the house out to pay the mortgage. One of the main reasons for the move was that Greg and I were getting older and he didn't want people making fun of us, Zelienople is a small town and people can be mean.

I loved going to visit Dad in the city. He had an apartment near the park and I was able to roller skate through the park in the summertime. I had access to everything the city provided, downtown, shopping and all the fun things you have in walking distance.

It was after a year or so that Dad moved in with Mike. I must say, they had a tumultuous relationship from the beginning. I remember fun times, but I also remember fighting and screaming. I think Dad moved in and out of there at least 3 times.

Needless to say, this had an effect on me. We never talked about his orientation, he just assumed we knew. I started having problems in school, so one day, I blurted it out to my Mom that I knew. I must say, that day was life changing. I was able to talk about it and not feel dirty. Mom sent me to the school therapist - that was more embarrassing than knowing my Dad was gay. At this time in my life, I didn't tell anyone, like I said people are mean and this was in the middle of the Aids crisis.

When I started dating Tim, I told him the night my Dad and Mike had us to dinner. He wasn't surprised, but he was supportive. This was the first time I realized that it was OK to tell people. Gordon was the same way when I told him, I guess I lucked out with the guys I dated they were pretty understanding. Other than them, I never really told anyone - some friends at college and work, but I always thought it wasn't anyone else's business.

Like I said Dad and Mike have always had a crazy relationship. Mike has done some things to my family, that most people would not forgive. He called Gordon's ex, Judy, to let her know that I was dating him. He moved into an apartment in my Dad's house in Zelie, Gramma lived downstairs and he would do things to drive her crazy - some of them were funny. He then got drunk one night and attacked Dad, when Dad fought back Mike called the police and had him arrested. Needless to say, this could have been the straw that broke the camels back. Mike had called my Mom to say that Dad was in jail. Mom called here and talked to Gordon about it. We met Greg and my uncle at my dad's house in the city. When we got there, Mike acted like nothing was going on, I being bulled headed told him that someone needed to look at for Dad and it obviously wasn't going to be him. After we got Dad out of jail (I can laugh about this now), he did not speak with Mike for a while. Then one day, he realized that even though they would never be "together", they needed each others friendship to survive. They moved in together, each with separate bedrooms. This arrangement helped them both out with paying bills. The arrangement also drove the wedge in deeper for my brother.

In time, I forgave Mike, though it took some time. My brother on the other hand has reverted to being a child when it comes to my Dad.

My brother and I have never really sat down and talked about how this has affected our lives. I have always loved Dad the way he is. We would joke around and look at guys together - how many girls can say they were scoping out guys with their dad?

Anytime there is a get together at my place, I have always included Mike, as he IS a member of my family. He is like another brother to me. He taught me about photography and I will always be grateful for that. He taught Greg about electronics and speakers. Even though there are things that he has done which make me mad, I still love him and I can find it in myself to forgive him because he completes my Dad. If he wasn't around, there would be no one there to make sure he wasn't having another stroke and to remind him of things when his memory goes for a minute.

At the beginning of the month we got an invitation to a party that Greg was throwing for Kelli's 30th birthday. Gordy and I were planning on going and so was Dad. Mike normally doesn't go to these things because he sometimes feels uncomfortable. Anyhoo... Greg called me the Tuesday before the party to ask me a favor. He wanted me to make sure Mike was not going to be there. In his words, "this is Kelli's 30th birthday party, not Dad's coming out party." I understood where Greg was coming from, but I wasn't sure why I had to be put in the middle. I struggled with this for a day. I couldn't decide if I should call Greg back and tell him he needed to grow some hair on his ass and tell Dad himself, or tell Dad and hope he didn't want to shoot the messenger. In the end, I told Dad what Greg had said. Dad's words to me where "If that's they way he feels, I won't go at all." The funny thing about it, was it's not like Dad and Mike look or act like flaming gay men. To me they are normal and they don't sit in corners and neck at parties. In my opinion, Greg was way out of line. There were 70 people at the party and no one really cared who was there or not.

The night of the party, Gordon and I went. The only people we knew where Kelli's family. Needless to say, we felt really awkward. My uncle Woody showed up, realized that Greg and Kelli hadn't shown up yet and left. Gordy and I hung out until they came. Greg finally made his way over to us and said "How did Dad take it?" My reply was "He's not here, is he?" I then told him that I never wanted to be put in the middle again. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to Dad. When we went to leave, I wished Kelli a happy birthday and she asked where dad was. Another smartass reply from me was "ask your husband." She looked at me really perplexed and I walked away.

I decided then and there that no matter what, Kelli's family was no longer second hand invited to any parties at my house. I know this sounds petty, but every party that has been at our place since Greg and Kelli have been together, her parents and sisters have been at. For some reason, an invitation to them is an invitation for her entire family. One time, I caught her packing lunch stuff up for her dad to take to work the next day - what gaul.

All this stuff makes me realize what neat parents I have. I really love them with all my heart. I also realize that my family in general is pretty cool. Both sets of aunts and uncles are great and all my cousins are fun people. I love hanging out with them. I realize that Greg is missing out on so much. He has Kelli's family, which they are nice and fun to be around, but so are we. There is going to come a time when someone is gone, and he is going to realize that he missed out on so much love.

I must say, writing this has been like chicken soup for my soul. It's good to "come out" with my Dad. I find that I am telling more and more people and they are not as critical as I thought they would be. They understand because they have gay family members and know that what one person does in the privacy of their own home, is their own business.

He's getting older...

I was horny last night and let my husband know this in a not so subtle way. When things weren't going the way I thought they should, I asked what the problem was. He didn't have to tell me, I knew - ED - I guess I should have realized there was something wrong months ago when things were not as "hard" as they should have been. We've always had a fairly healthy sex life so I didn't really think that much about it, just that maybe he was tired.

Needless to say, I tried to make lite of the situation and said I was going to have to go out and get a "boy-toy". This really put him on the defensive and ticked him off - I was only kidding. We've been together so long that I really never thought of him as getting old, but he turns 50 in 4 months and I really need to realize that things are not going to be the same as what they were when he was 35.

I guess if he needs some help in this department, it shouldn't be a bad thing. I need help in the depression department and he has still been there for me. I guess the whole ED ad campaign makes me think of people my parents age, not my husbands. I really hate getting old, time goes so fast. Things, people and memories we want to hold fast to, tend to slip threw our fingers until they are just a blip on the radar screen of life.

I really have no idea why I am rambling on like this. I need to get to work and accomplish something this afternoon.

What was I doing in the 90's?

I was on my way home from school last night flipping the channels around and came across one playing the 90's at 9. I kept the station there thinking that it would be some good music. After 15 minutes and not knowing a single song, I started wondering why I didn't know any of these songs. I am a music freak, I have about 400 cd's, so for me not knowing any of this music was a little scary. Was I working too much to pay attention to the tunes on the way home? Did my husband have me listen to country too much and I lost touch with what was popular? Don't get me wrong, I like country music, but there was a period of time where that was all I listened to.

After pondering the music "loss" I started thinking about where that decade went to. I graduated from college, got my first job and my second, but the rest seems like a giant blur. I know that this was a time in my life where I put my job first and life came only after that. I traveled with work, I've been in more cities than I ever thought I would be, but I still come back to this blur. Could it be that I was in my 20's and life seemed to stretch out before me without any worries? Now that I am in my mid 30's, I am realizing how precious life is and paying more attention to family and friends instead of worrying about work and when that project needs to be done.

I think I may go out and buy some 90's pop music just to get a grip on what was hip back then or not. Maybe I should keep my memories as they are and create new ones for the time we are living in right now.

He makes me so mad

I love my husband with all my heart, but sometimes he makes me so angry. He's off on Wednesday's so this is his day to do whatever he wants. We opened a new joint checking account yesterday, but he wasn't there to sign the papers, so he had to go in today. The bank isn't far from where I work, so I thought it would be cool for him to meet me for lunch. This is something we rarely do and since he was going to be in the area, I thought it would be fun - kinda like a midweek date. When I mentioned getting together for lunch today, he turned around and sneared "No, I'm not going to lunch with you." He may not have meant it to come out that way, but it did. I quietly turned around and walked away, I was leaving for work and didn't have time to have it out with him for talking to me that way. I was about 10 feet away when I heard him say "I love you." I remember mumbling something but I'm not sure what. I left the house feeling dejected and wanting to cry, but not being able too.

I truly thought after all this he would show up here and take me to lunch - wishful thinking. This is the second time in a week that he has done or said something that has really taken me by surprise. I guess writing it down is the best way to think it out.

To baby or not to baby...

I was thinking the other day how weird it is that the majority of my friends don't have kids, in fact, most aren't even married. What will happen to us when we get old, I would hope we would all be living together taking care of each other - what a hoot, a bunch of old men and women, not married to each other hanging out having a good time.

This brings to the next topic. Gordy and I have been talking about having a baby. It's more him than me and I used to think I would jump at the chance to have a baby, but I am not so sure right now. I am probably at the best place I could be at in my life to make the "baby" commitment, but I am still hesitating. Is it that I can't imagine being a Mom? I think I would be great at it. Am I really afraid of commitment? Or am I looking at things the wrong way, I think I am afraid of F*ing up someone elses life. I look at his kids and wonder how much better off they would have been without me in their Dad's life.

I haven't been the best step mom a person could be, or should be. I always wanted them to like me, but yet I felt I was always in competition with them for Gordy's attention. He told me early on in our relationship that if there was ever a choice, it would be them. I agree with this wholeheartedly and this is the way it should be. I wish I would have been given the opportunity to help with the raising of the kids. Yes, I was here and I tried to instill work ethics, study habits and the such, but I could never say anything without the fear of their Mom freaking on me. Looking back, I should have been more involved, but I had my own life and things I wanted to do. This is all wrong on so many levels, am I a bad person for not being more involved? In some respects, I feel like he and I have led separate lives while being in the same home. He was always the parent, trying to help them out anyway he could. When Ben got in trouble, Gordy came to the rescue and made sure he wasn't thrown out of school. When Jon needed a vehicle, Gordy co-signed for the loan. He may not have lived in the same house as them, but there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of them and want them here with us. I, on the other hand, love them, but don't understand the whole parent child thing from the parents point of view.

This may have something to do with my Mom, yeah her again. She never wanted to treat them like grandchildren, since they aren't her "flesh and blood". In her opinion, since Gordy and I don't have kids together, anything that is mine when I die should be reverted back to MY family. His kids shouldn't get anything of mine - "they won't appreciate it." I think she is way off base with this. I have stipulated that any physical object that I received from a family member be returned to that side of the family, but who cares about the cash, they can have it all. And besides, what does any of this matter two hundred years from now?

Oops, I guess I went off on a tangent... I am still questioning whether or not to have a baby. I don't know if it's a trust issue or what, but I want more communication. Yeah, Gordy and I can finish each other sentences, but he doesn't tell me everything, especially when it comes to the kids. He co-signed for a loan on Jon's truck, Jon would give us the money and Gordy would write the check. The truck was to be paid for this month and we paid the loan off early, which Jon didn't know about - he was to get the title when we got the last of the money from him. I had to get into the safe deposit box the other day and Gordy asked me to put the title into the box. Me being me, asked why wasn't Jon getting it. To my surprise, Jon hadn't been giving us his payment for months now, I was never told. I have really tried to not get mad about stuff like this, but I felt betrayed and not trusted. When he told me Jon hadn't been paying, I felt like someone had dropped something heavy on my chest. Is this what it's like to be a parent where the kid plays the ends against the middle? Do I really want to feel this way with my own child?

No matter what I decide, I need to make the decision soon. The biological clock is ticking and the alarm is going to go off soon.

Music and Boxes

It's been a month since I have written anything, though there have been many "mind" blogs written in my head in that time. I have really found this theraputic.

A week and a half ago I got a CD from a friend of mine. It contained a song she had written about our friend Pete. I had the CD for three days before I could muster up the courage to listen. I'm not sure if I am still in denial or what. Sometimes I find myself picking up the phone to call him and I have to catch myself. I missed the birthday call this year and the fact that my Dad forgot it was my birthday, I must say it was a pretty depressing day. I can forgive Dad, he had a stroke and his mind isn't what it used to be, but I find it hard not to be angry at Pete. I know these type of thoughts should have gone away by now, it's been five months, but I can go for a week or two and think I'm fine. Then BANG, I see something or hear a song and I'm pissed that he's no longer with us. I find myself listening to music that he liked or that he gave me, DePeche Mode. I constantly listen to the CD that was playing the last time I picked him up at the airport - Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head - he loved the piano playing on the CD and wanted a copy of it.

I got box yesterday from Steph. It had some pictures from when Pete was younger, a letter from me when we were Freshman at college, a cancelled check that was made out to me, a picture of Kim, Pete and I at graduation and our Prom pictures. It felt so weird to have these items in my hands again. I had touched some of these things more than 15 years ago and now here they are again. I found this ironic and sort of sad, like our lives and friendship had come full circle and there is no where else to go but forward - alone with the thoughts of all the fun we had when we were together.

Remind me not to say anything

I got a call from my Mom Monday night. She was calling to ask if people would come to a party if it was in the middle of the week. Knowing that she turns 60 this year, I knew what she was getting at, but I played it stupid. I told her that it depended on where the party was and what type it was going to be. Well, she fessed up and said that she was planning her own party and that she wanted it on her birthday, a Tuesday. I told her that I could take a day off to visit for her birthday. She lives 120 miles away so I couldn't visit for just the evening. She then started getting into one of her moods. She figures that the family can schedule their vacation time to come to her Tuesday night party and that they owe this to her.

This situation is wrong on so many levels. First, my brother and I were going to throw a party. She shouldn't have to plan her own party nor want to. Second, if she had it the weekend before, we wouldn't have to use a vacation day. I personally have enough time that I can spare one day, but my husband only gets a week and he uses those for things he wants to do. Also, you would have more people willing to come if it was over a weekend.

Anyhow, I mentioned that I would tell my aunts and uncles, as we were having dinner later for the January birthdays. WELL, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. She started in on the fact that she is never invited to these get togethers and that she would come if invited. She is on the road alot with her job, so she said that she could have made arrangements to be in the area for this dinner. I apologized for not letting her know, but I didn't know until Saturday what the definate plans were. I told her that Dad made the plans, this pissed her off even more that he didn't call her. Her comment was "Paybacks are a Bitch, just wait." Then she started crying because no one includes her in any family get togethers and she is lonely living so far away.

I am really becoming concerned by her actions and comments. It's to the point that I avoid telling her anything that may remotely upset her. This has put me into an interesting position in that things I should be telling her about, I can't. I find myself trying to remember what I can and can't tell her. This bothers me since I thought we had such a good relationship. I want to talk to her about the way she criticizes other people and their actions - which is frequently - but I'm afraid she'll take it the wrong way and never talk to me again. It seems like nothing is ever good enough for her, she is always telling people what to do, what to buy and how to act - it's driving me nuts. I always try to put a positive spin on things when she starts talking this way, or I will try to let her know what someone may have been thinking when they did something.

I don't know the name of her therapist, but I will try to find out. I think they should be aware of how she is being perceived. I am willing to take time off work to meet with her and her therapist for a session. Maybe if there was a third person in the room to referree then it wouldn't be so bad. I just want to let her know that we're all worried about her.

I've seen it all...

I was at work today and we were all in a goofy mood. I'm not sure if it's that post holiday buzz or what, but it was good to see everyone back in the office. Trevor was of course his usual funny self, and he did two things today that make me laugh. The first was that he was at my desk talking about something while fiddling with this toy on my desk. He accidentally drops the toy, it lands on my glasses and sends them flying. They of course are now bent, he feels really bad and wants to pay for them - they can be fixed, not a biggy. The next thing he did makes me laugh so hard I thought I would go in my pants. He was sitting on one of the desks next to me, watching a WebEx session and playing with a stapler. He decides to take the stapler, open it up and hit himself on the head with the staple end. Needless to say, the stapler didn't staple, but the staple itself put to puncture holes in his head. He bled and bled, and KT and I couldn't stop laughing.

I have to say that this type of activity at work is normal for him. He keeps us on our toes and our tummies laughing all the time.