This Year - not good so far...

Well, we are three weeks into the new year and my life has been nothing but chaotic. We found out right before the new year that my mother in law was refusing dialysis and she would have a couple days to two weeks to live.

While dealing with all of this, my brother in law came to see his mother one last time. It was an interesting visit and I learned more about my mil than I really ever wanted to know.

After the visit I came to a conclusion, her kids were tokens to her. She used them to brag to all her friends, but when the time came, she didn't want to spend time with them.

She would tell them what they had to do, when they would do it and with whom they would do it with. It was always about appearances to her, her comment "what would so and so think." It was never about what the kids wanted to do.

For instance, Gordy loved playing the Trumpet and would have played to this day, had she not forced the issue on him. She wanted him to go to college and be a business man, he wanted to be a helicopter mechanic, so he quit college 24 credits shy of his bachelors.

Gordy would always be nice to her and include her in family functions, but he really only did it for me. When she would come to these events, she would bring her camera and try to get pictures of him - joke on her, he always ran away.

Before she died, she wanted to see him one last time. He went, but she never said anything to him. She was to busy talking about her two brothers.

My brother in law didn't want to come from California, but felt the pressure from the two sisters, so he came for a visit. He was in town for three days and spent four hours with her. He told me, "I said goodbye to her 20 years ago." Gordy has the same sentiment.

After she passed away, the sisters got a little weird (of course everyone has a way of dealing with things). She wasn't dead 24 hours and they had all of her stuff cleaned out from the apartment she shared with her husband. This to me seemed a bit rushed and I felt bad for him (the husband). The sisters wanted everything out of the apartment because they didn't want the husbands kids getting their "grubby hands on any of mom's stuff."

I must say, I was really glad there was just a memorial service and no viewing. We had been dealing with all of this for two weeks and it was nice to finally get a reprieve from the family.

I won't go into detail about the way she talked to and treated me, but I did not shed a single tear when I heard she died or at the memorial service.

This all happened the weekend of the tenth, last week, my dad's life long best friend passed away suddenly. Bill was the opposite of my mother in law. He was kind, conscientious and just plain fun to be around. Bill was the kind of person that lived life to the fullest and made the best of everything.

When my brother and I were kids, Bill worked at the local amusement park. Dad would take us a couple times a summer, we would get free tickets, and have a blast. The summer I worked at my Dad's company, Bill was my boss. All I can say is there was always something funny happening. As an adult, I remember being in a car with him and the Stones Honkey Tonk Woman came on the radio. He turned it up really loud and started singing. This is probably one of my fondest memories of him.

Dad held up ok, but I went with him to the viewing and the service just to make sure there was someone there to support him. I don't think Bill's death has hit him yet.

Well, let's hope the next three weeks are better for me, it couldn't get much worse :)

Out with the Old, In with the New

Now that 2006 is officially over, I can breathe a sigh of relief. It was a year of ups and downs for me, and I am looking forward to starting over with a clean slate.

Last year brought me the high of obtaining my graduate degree, something I never thought would happen.

It was the year I started taking care of myself, both physically and mentally. Looking in to see the real me - and I liked what I saw - which made me want to change the outer me. I've started walking four to five days a week and have lost 13 pounds since August.

I learned to set goals for myself, like with losing weight. The holiday goal was to maintain my weight, which I have done so far. I am looking at this like baby steps, one size at a time. Yes, I know where I ultimately want to go, but looking at it with mini goals proves that the ultimate goal is achievable.

On the down side, I found myself dealing with a 30 year old wound that was festering inside. Talking about it to a therapist and Gordy made me feel safe, and helped me realize why I am the way that I am. That I can move on, knowing that the wound can heal.

I also thought I wanted something more - a wild side. In my mind, this wild side could only be achieved by being alone. Today, I know that I can be wild and still be with my husband - this was a big change for me last year, a lot of soul searching took place to be at this point.

Last but not least - the fight. I still have nightmares about Dad's neighbor yelling at me, these will pass in time, but nonetheless, I am still haunted by her voice. I may still be naive, but why does there have to be so much hate?

I am still angry that my Dad had to sell his home of 36 years to get away from all the hate, but there would have been more violence if he hadn't sold it. I was afraid of what they would do to him, Mike and the dogs. You get to a point where life is more important than pride.

So, after a long, tearful cry last night, I woke to the sun shining and a brand new year. I am looking forward to this and many more to come :)