I just spent an hour and a half writing in this damn thing and it wouldn't save - arghhhhh...
Anyway, I wanted to write something else. Someone said to me a couple days ago that I sometimes look like my Mom. I wasn't sure what to say, thanks or ugh. Why is it that we try so much to not be like our parents, but in the end we become them. The person that said this to me has known me for 20 years, and he looks like his Dad. We had a good chuckle about this topic and then he sent me pictures, and yes, I look like my mom when she was my age. I just hope I don't get to be so angry at life when I'm her age.
Oh well... Gotta run.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Argh... It's the holidays and I am frustrated.
It sure has been an odd couple of months. I haven't written because I don't think anyone is reading this - it's like an old song that says "is anybody out there." Oh well, here I am anyway, writing because I can get some stuff off my chest.
Christmas came and went and I only had one cranky moment. This came when my stepson Ben came around. He just got his record expunged and brought his underage girlfriend to the house. I think this girl is really nice, but I don't understand how some peoples parents can let a teenager do what this girl is doing. Ben, my stepson, is 20. His girlfriend is a Junior in high school, so I am assuming she is 16 or 17. We have never been told an exact age, but one can only assume the worst since they have been dating for a year and a half. Anyway, his mother and her parents see nothing wrong with letting them spend the night at each others house. I have no idea if they sleep in the same bed, but I would think there is some sneaking around going on in those houses.
When I was her age, my parents would have had a fit if I even suggested that a male friend spend the night or that I spend the night at their house. I respected my parents and I would never have done something that would make them lose respect in me. Is this type of carrying on typical of teenagers and parents today? I guess what concerns me the most is that he just got out of trouble for doing something stupid and the risk he is taking by playing with a minor is just beyond me. If for some reason, her parents get mad at him or God forbid he gets her pregnant and someone wants to press charges, he will be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life. Even though the sex was consensual, he will have to register with the police wherever he goes. Is it really worth it?
This whole scenario has been the topic of some heated conversations at home. Gordon and I both agree that he should start dating someone with more of a goal than finishing high school in the next two years. Get a college girl with some experience and enjoy the college scene, not hanging out going to the high school homecoming dance. Even her, enjoy high school. Society has put enough pressures on kids without having a boyfriend in the mix. I wonder if she still has any female friends. Since they are seriously dating I doubt she does. This make me sad. I can see her growing to resent Ben because she missed out on a lot in school.
Anyway, we agree on that, but he doesn't think he has a right to say anything to Ben. In my opinion he is afraid to say anything because he doesn't want to alienate him. Well, Ben has been around twice in the past year - so who cares.
We pay all the interest on his student loans, but don't get to see the grades. I just don't get it. It was the same way when the boys were younger, Gordon didn't say anything for fear of them not wanting to see him. Between him and their mother, I don't know which one was more immature about the whole thing. She told the kids that their father didn't know what he was talking about even though he was the one with the college degree and she finished high school with a child on her hip, not his thank God - sorry I didn't mean to be so bitchity...
Maybe I am just angry, I avoid the whole topic of the kids because that avoids a fight. Why am I going through all this avoidance? Is it that I am angry at myself for not forcing the issue of having kids, or is it that I am angry at him for not letting me live a little when I was younger? I love the life I have, but I would have liked to have dated more, traveled more and partied more when I was younger. Instead I got married at 21 and had an instant family. Maybe I would be more understanding with his kids if we would have had children as well. I think sometimes I am less patient because of this.
Oh well, enough of that. I just get going and have no idea when to stop.
I think a lot of what I am thinking goes back to the loss I had this year. I have been doing some soul searching since Peter passed away and have come to terms with issues in my life. I am no longer hounding Gordy about a baby. If he wants me to have his child, he'll let me know. Although this is an unlikely scenario, it still may happen. I no longer bitch often to my parents about my brother and his, oh so perfect, life. He and his wife can do whatever they choose, I am happy and that's all that matters. I no longer pine to talk with Tim, although I do have my moments. I have spoken with him once in four months, this is the longest "Tim free" streak I've had since I met him. I have started to get more vocal at work about things, especially the couple dating at the office. They are the most miserable people and never have a smile on their faces - one would think that if they are that in love they should at least be smiling. I also have a little crush on one of the maintenance guys in my building. I know his name and that he isn't the best looking guy in the world, but I find him appealing and he has really great eyes. I told Gordy about this crush and he laughs - at least I am comfortable enough in my marriage that I can tell my husband about this.
Oh well, I'm off to read a book. This is the first time in months that I've had the time to do something for me.
Ta Ta For Now - m
Christmas came and went and I only had one cranky moment. This came when my stepson Ben came around. He just got his record expunged and brought his underage girlfriend to the house. I think this girl is really nice, but I don't understand how some peoples parents can let a teenager do what this girl is doing. Ben, my stepson, is 20. His girlfriend is a Junior in high school, so I am assuming she is 16 or 17. We have never been told an exact age, but one can only assume the worst since they have been dating for a year and a half. Anyway, his mother and her parents see nothing wrong with letting them spend the night at each others house. I have no idea if they sleep in the same bed, but I would think there is some sneaking around going on in those houses.
When I was her age, my parents would have had a fit if I even suggested that a male friend spend the night or that I spend the night at their house. I respected my parents and I would never have done something that would make them lose respect in me. Is this type of carrying on typical of teenagers and parents today? I guess what concerns me the most is that he just got out of trouble for doing something stupid and the risk he is taking by playing with a minor is just beyond me. If for some reason, her parents get mad at him or God forbid he gets her pregnant and someone wants to press charges, he will be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life. Even though the sex was consensual, he will have to register with the police wherever he goes. Is it really worth it?
This whole scenario has been the topic of some heated conversations at home. Gordon and I both agree that he should start dating someone with more of a goal than finishing high school in the next two years. Get a college girl with some experience and enjoy the college scene, not hanging out going to the high school homecoming dance. Even her, enjoy high school. Society has put enough pressures on kids without having a boyfriend in the mix. I wonder if she still has any female friends. Since they are seriously dating I doubt she does. This make me sad. I can see her growing to resent Ben because she missed out on a lot in school.
Anyway, we agree on that, but he doesn't think he has a right to say anything to Ben. In my opinion he is afraid to say anything because he doesn't want to alienate him. Well, Ben has been around twice in the past year - so who cares.
We pay all the interest on his student loans, but don't get to see the grades. I just don't get it. It was the same way when the boys were younger, Gordon didn't say anything for fear of them not wanting to see him. Between him and their mother, I don't know which one was more immature about the whole thing. She told the kids that their father didn't know what he was talking about even though he was the one with the college degree and she finished high school with a child on her hip, not his thank God - sorry I didn't mean to be so bitchity...
Maybe I am just angry, I avoid the whole topic of the kids because that avoids a fight. Why am I going through all this avoidance? Is it that I am angry at myself for not forcing the issue of having kids, or is it that I am angry at him for not letting me live a little when I was younger? I love the life I have, but I would have liked to have dated more, traveled more and partied more when I was younger. Instead I got married at 21 and had an instant family. Maybe I would be more understanding with his kids if we would have had children as well. I think sometimes I am less patient because of this.
Oh well, enough of that. I just get going and have no idea when to stop.
I think a lot of what I am thinking goes back to the loss I had this year. I have been doing some soul searching since Peter passed away and have come to terms with issues in my life. I am no longer hounding Gordy about a baby. If he wants me to have his child, he'll let me know. Although this is an unlikely scenario, it still may happen. I no longer bitch often to my parents about my brother and his, oh so perfect, life. He and his wife can do whatever they choose, I am happy and that's all that matters. I no longer pine to talk with Tim, although I do have my moments. I have spoken with him once in four months, this is the longest "Tim free" streak I've had since I met him. I have started to get more vocal at work about things, especially the couple dating at the office. They are the most miserable people and never have a smile on their faces - one would think that if they are that in love they should at least be smiling. I also have a little crush on one of the maintenance guys in my building. I know his name and that he isn't the best looking guy in the world, but I find him appealing and he has really great eyes. I told Gordy about this crush and he laughs - at least I am comfortable enough in my marriage that I can tell my husband about this.
Oh well, I'm off to read a book. This is the first time in months that I've had the time to do something for me.
Ta Ta For Now - m
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Ode to Tim
Where do I start... I keep having dreams about you, I want to call you just to hear your voice, but I need to let you know I am not into being destroyed mentally by our friendship.
I must say, I love my husband with all my heart, and I would never do anything to hurt him, Gordon has filled a gap in my life that I never thought could be filled. Tim is part of my childhood, he knows about what I was like when I was younger, he knows the same people, he knows what makes me tick.
I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday. He was at SVTV visiting Tim Hall and I was on my way into the studio. Even though he is 5 years older than me, I knew of him through his sister, Natalie, and through photography. As I was walking down the hallway and saw him, me being me walked right up to him and said, "Hey, you must be Tim Weichel? My name is Margie Druschel, nice to meet you." It was instant friendship from that point on. He was in the Navy and I was still in school, but we talked all the time and saw each other when he came home from Groton to visit his parents. After a while, we started dating. It was the perfect relationship for someone in high school. We didn't see each other everyday, so we couldn't fight, perfect...
I started this two weeks ago, a lot has changed since then. All I wanted was to hear his voice, so I called his cell phone, knowing that I would get his voice mail and hear him. I called and left some stupid message. After I did that, I felt I had betrayed myself. I vowed that I wouldn't call him and here I was, making that first step. Every time the phone rang after that, I was secretly wishing it would be him.
That call came this week... I was sitting at my desk at work and the phone rang. I picked it up and instantly I knew it was him even before he said a word. I asked how he was doing, his reply was "Glad that you haven't hung up the phone on me yet." It was like that scene in Jerry McGuire where Renee Zilwegger said "You had me at Hello." I couldn't get enough of talking to him. I was at work, so I really couldn't say to much, but I had a million things to tell him. I wanted to tell him that our friendship is one of the most important things in my life. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and I never told him how I felt. I live each day not knowing if Pete knew how I felt about him and I will never have the chance to tell Pete. Tim on the other hand is still here and I need to tell him how much he means to me.
Here goes...
I have known you all my adult life and the latter part of my childhood. You have always been in inspiration to me. You are smart and very gifted with technical knowledge, I am so good at my job because you and I talk "techie." I think I got this through osmosis :)
You make me feel special when I have your full attention. You always compliment me about my job and tell me how proud of me that you are.
I feel like I have a "connection" to you. When you're in town, I "know" it. I feel it in my bones and my heart. I know when something is bothering you, and you know the same about me. Remember the time you were going to be married in VA Beach and she left you for a dead man? Something told me to call you, you were in need.
I love you as only a true friend can. This love in embedded in my being and will never change. I may be pissed at you, but I still love you. Even when I wrote my first entry and was angry at you, I still loved you.
No matter where we are, we always have a good time. I still get ragged about hiking in Topanga Canyon and getting poison sumac. Standing on the beach in LaJolla between you and Gordon, I will never forget that sunset. Missing my plane out of Burbank and getting a free ticket. That crazy party in Houston, what a view. Lunches in the cafeteria and of course, there will always be Vegas. I have never had so much fun as I did in Vegas. Work all day, gamble all night, then back to work the next day. I would sleep for 24 hours when I got home just to get back in sync with the real world.
You have been an important part of my life. I look back and there isn't a thing about me that you don't know about. Thank you for everything, my life has been better with you in it.
I must say, I love my husband with all my heart, and I would never do anything to hurt him, Gordon has filled a gap in my life that I never thought could be filled. Tim is part of my childhood, he knows about what I was like when I was younger, he knows the same people, he knows what makes me tick.
I remember the day we met as if it were yesterday. He was at SVTV visiting Tim Hall and I was on my way into the studio. Even though he is 5 years older than me, I knew of him through his sister, Natalie, and through photography. As I was walking down the hallway and saw him, me being me walked right up to him and said, "Hey, you must be Tim Weichel? My name is Margie Druschel, nice to meet you." It was instant friendship from that point on. He was in the Navy and I was still in school, but we talked all the time and saw each other when he came home from Groton to visit his parents. After a while, we started dating. It was the perfect relationship for someone in high school. We didn't see each other everyday, so we couldn't fight, perfect...
I started this two weeks ago, a lot has changed since then. All I wanted was to hear his voice, so I called his cell phone, knowing that I would get his voice mail and hear him. I called and left some stupid message. After I did that, I felt I had betrayed myself. I vowed that I wouldn't call him and here I was, making that first step. Every time the phone rang after that, I was secretly wishing it would be him.
That call came this week... I was sitting at my desk at work and the phone rang. I picked it up and instantly I knew it was him even before he said a word. I asked how he was doing, his reply was "Glad that you haven't hung up the phone on me yet." It was like that scene in Jerry McGuire where Renee Zilwegger said "You had me at Hello." I couldn't get enough of talking to him. I was at work, so I really couldn't say to much, but I had a million things to tell him. I wanted to tell him that our friendship is one of the most important things in my life. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him and I never told him how I felt. I live each day not knowing if Pete knew how I felt about him and I will never have the chance to tell Pete. Tim on the other hand is still here and I need to tell him how much he means to me.
Here goes...
I have known you all my adult life and the latter part of my childhood. You have always been in inspiration to me. You are smart and very gifted with technical knowledge, I am so good at my job because you and I talk "techie." I think I got this through osmosis :)
You make me feel special when I have your full attention. You always compliment me about my job and tell me how proud of me that you are.
I feel like I have a "connection" to you. When you're in town, I "know" it. I feel it in my bones and my heart. I know when something is bothering you, and you know the same about me. Remember the time you were going to be married in VA Beach and she left you for a dead man? Something told me to call you, you were in need.
I love you as only a true friend can. This love in embedded in my being and will never change. I may be pissed at you, but I still love you. Even when I wrote my first entry and was angry at you, I still loved you.
No matter where we are, we always have a good time. I still get ragged about hiking in Topanga Canyon and getting poison sumac. Standing on the beach in LaJolla between you and Gordon, I will never forget that sunset. Missing my plane out of Burbank and getting a free ticket. That crazy party in Houston, what a view. Lunches in the cafeteria and of course, there will always be Vegas. I have never had so much fun as I did in Vegas. Work all day, gamble all night, then back to work the next day. I would sleep for 24 hours when I got home just to get back in sync with the real world.
You have been an important part of my life. I look back and there isn't a thing about me that you don't know about. Thank you for everything, my life has been better with you in it.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
What today Brings
I still have my job!!! Though I had to watch people gather their stuff up and leave. They let 6 people go, 4 full time and 2 part time.
I am really worried about Kelly, she is such a fragile soul and I am not sure how she will take this. She left the building without saying anything and any of us.
We had a meeting after the cuts took place. It was good to get everyone together and let us know what was going on. Afterwards, I cried. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally get back to normal - if that's what you could call it. At least I won't have to eat two bowls of ice cream to feel better anymore. I think I gained back all the weight I lost in the past month.
Well, I need to get back to work, it's crunch time and I need to prove my worth.
I am really worried about Kelly, she is such a fragile soul and I am not sure how she will take this. She left the building without saying anything and any of us.
We had a meeting after the cuts took place. It was good to get everyone together and let us know what was going on. Afterwards, I cried. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally get back to normal - if that's what you could call it. At least I won't have to eat two bowls of ice cream to feel better anymore. I think I gained back all the weight I lost in the past month.
Well, I need to get back to work, it's crunch time and I need to prove my worth.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
What will tomorrow bring?
This has been a really tough week. The new company that aquired our customer, was in the office yesterday and our management team needed to digest the information for a day. I will find out my fate tomorrow. On one hand, I am sick at my stomach not knowing if I will have a job Friday. On the other, maybe this is a sign from God that it's time to move on and grow up.
It's funny, even though I am going to school for marketing, I really like what I do. Maybe it's because I do something new and challenging day after day. I've been here 2 1/2 years and haven't thought about moving on. Usually by then, I am bored with a job and need something new. I have found a home here and I don't want to move on.
I am sitting here not wanting to leave, it may be the last time I sit at my desk at this time. How quick can I find another job? Will I want to take some time off? Will I go to school full time in the spring? I am at a loss right now, I feel numb, it's kinda weird. How will I react if I have to say goodbye to someone? I have had so many changes in my life the past 2 months, I am not sure if this won't push me over the edge.
It's funny, even though I am going to school for marketing, I really like what I do. Maybe it's because I do something new and challenging day after day. I've been here 2 1/2 years and haven't thought about moving on. Usually by then, I am bored with a job and need something new. I have found a home here and I don't want to move on.
I am sitting here not wanting to leave, it may be the last time I sit at my desk at this time. How quick can I find another job? Will I want to take some time off? Will I go to school full time in the spring? I am at a loss right now, I feel numb, it's kinda weird. How will I react if I have to say goodbye to someone? I have had so many changes in my life the past 2 months, I am not sure if this won't push me over the edge.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Layoffs Suck
In 2001, I was layed off twice in six months. The first time I had an idea it was coming, the tech company I worked for was having serious financial problems and needed to get rid of overhead, which meant employees. There were 300 of us let go that day with a decent severance package and sessions at learning how to promote ourselves. Since I knew what was going down, I had been actively searching for a job and cleaning out my desk. Since I was smart in preparing for this, when it happened I already had a job lined up.
At the new job I knew something was "off" the day I started. They were sending me to classes to learn Macromedia Director - I thought cool, something new. Also in the classes where the web designer and the owner of the company. At lunch, the owner dumped the web designer and I to go eat alone - odd... After the first week of working there, I discovered the owner loved to pit people against each other. Nothing was ever peaceful, he loved conflict and would do anything to see people miserable.
After being there three miserable months, he decided the company was moving to a nicer building. Appearances were everything to Jeff - a nice house, two new vehicles, season hockey tickets for 4 in the Igloo Club, and of course new offices. Since this was a small company, he didn't want to pay a moving company to move all the computers and servers from one office to the next - he made us do it. Needless to say the day we moved the computers it was pouring down rain and none of us were to happy with him. He decided he wasn't going to be around when we were doing all this moving - what an ass...
September 11, 2001 - I remember driving to work hearing about the first plane to crash into the WTC. I remember thinking it was Osama Bin Laden, but then pushing that thought aside as this was probably a freak accident. When I walked in the door at work, everything was as normal could be there. Someone was listening to the radio and heard a second plane had crashed into the second WTC building. I immediately became concerned and we tuned into CNN on the internet for more information. By 10 o'clock, the entire staff was huddled around a single computer watching the events of the morning unfold. At this time, Jeff, the owner left the building with his wife - no one knew where they were going and when they would be back. Tony, the VP told us to go home, to be with our families. I stuck around for a bit, but headed home around noon. Everyone else left soon after I did.
When I got to work the next day, I found out Jeff had come back to find everyone gone. Being the kind hearted person that he is (sarcastic) he called all the people at the help desk back to work. Of course the whole nation was at a standstill and no one was working, the help desk didn't log a single call that afternoon. When I turned in my timesheet for that day, he wanted me to use vacation time for the period of time Tony told us to go home. I knew at that point I didn't want to work for someone who had no regard for anyone but himself.
Business had been slow after 9/11 so in true business fashion, he layed me off. I think I cried for an hour, then rejoiced. This was a way for me to get out of a bad situation, look for another job and collect unemployment.
It took me four months to have the job at TrueFit land in my lap, and I thank the good Lord above he sent it to me.
Fast Forward to last week... At TrueFit, I work with the "Lilly" team. Lilly contracts TrueFit to develop and test some portions of their software. I work on a .Net project called Exchange which moves data back and forth across development platforms. It's actually a pretty cool thing. Some of Lilly's development team was based in Cranberry Township and we shared office space with them. Since my project exchanges data between different systems, I worked with the Lilly team that is in our shared office space.
Anyway, Lilly was purchased last week by a company that is much larger and looks at the bottom line more than Lilly did. This company came in and decided which products they wanted to keep and which ones they didn't. One of the ones they didn't want to keep was the one being worked on at Lilly in Cranberry Township. The big boss came into town on Friday and layed the entire Lilly staff off at their Cranberry Township office. I had to watch as these people packed up their stuff and left the building. I didn't know how to feel, I had always been the one leaving and never thought about being one of the ones left behind. Friday, we were left to wonder if we would have a job at the end of next week. I started cleaning out my desk - the guys think I'm crazy - I am just trying to emotionally prepare myself like I had before. The big wigs called a meeting to let us know that the new company was still going to use us, but they weren't sure at what capacity. I am sitting here worried for myself and worried for those people that may not have a job at the end of next week. I think about the guys whose wives don't work, how will they support themselves? I know from experience that it always seems like the sun will never rise in the morning, but when it finally does, it always shines brighter than ever before.
Things always happen for a reason, as I learned. The first layoff didn't affect me, but the second did. I questioned myself and my abilities as an employee. I also questioned whether or not I deserved to have another good job. I really had to take a step back and evaluate myself before I was able to take a step forward.
This coming week is going to be a test, one which I hope I pass. Either way, the trip has been fun. Will I continue down the path I am on, or will I be lead down another path? Each path will make me stronger, I am sure of that. I am fortunate in that I have two careers I can fall back on, Marketing and QA. Some people don't have that sort of opportunity and I am blessed that I do.
At the new job I knew something was "off" the day I started. They were sending me to classes to learn Macromedia Director - I thought cool, something new. Also in the classes where the web designer and the owner of the company. At lunch, the owner dumped the web designer and I to go eat alone - odd... After the first week of working there, I discovered the owner loved to pit people against each other. Nothing was ever peaceful, he loved conflict and would do anything to see people miserable.
After being there three miserable months, he decided the company was moving to a nicer building. Appearances were everything to Jeff - a nice house, two new vehicles, season hockey tickets for 4 in the Igloo Club, and of course new offices. Since this was a small company, he didn't want to pay a moving company to move all the computers and servers from one office to the next - he made us do it. Needless to say the day we moved the computers it was pouring down rain and none of us were to happy with him. He decided he wasn't going to be around when we were doing all this moving - what an ass...
September 11, 2001 - I remember driving to work hearing about the first plane to crash into the WTC. I remember thinking it was Osama Bin Laden, but then pushing that thought aside as this was probably a freak accident. When I walked in the door at work, everything was as normal could be there. Someone was listening to the radio and heard a second plane had crashed into the second WTC building. I immediately became concerned and we tuned into CNN on the internet for more information. By 10 o'clock, the entire staff was huddled around a single computer watching the events of the morning unfold. At this time, Jeff, the owner left the building with his wife - no one knew where they were going and when they would be back. Tony, the VP told us to go home, to be with our families. I stuck around for a bit, but headed home around noon. Everyone else left soon after I did.
When I got to work the next day, I found out Jeff had come back to find everyone gone. Being the kind hearted person that he is (sarcastic) he called all the people at the help desk back to work. Of course the whole nation was at a standstill and no one was working, the help desk didn't log a single call that afternoon. When I turned in my timesheet for that day, he wanted me to use vacation time for the period of time Tony told us to go home. I knew at that point I didn't want to work for someone who had no regard for anyone but himself.
Business had been slow after 9/11 so in true business fashion, he layed me off. I think I cried for an hour, then rejoiced. This was a way for me to get out of a bad situation, look for another job and collect unemployment.
It took me four months to have the job at TrueFit land in my lap, and I thank the good Lord above he sent it to me.
Fast Forward to last week... At TrueFit, I work with the "Lilly" team. Lilly contracts TrueFit to develop and test some portions of their software. I work on a .Net project called Exchange which moves data back and forth across development platforms. It's actually a pretty cool thing. Some of Lilly's development team was based in Cranberry Township and we shared office space with them. Since my project exchanges data between different systems, I worked with the Lilly team that is in our shared office space.
Anyway, Lilly was purchased last week by a company that is much larger and looks at the bottom line more than Lilly did. This company came in and decided which products they wanted to keep and which ones they didn't. One of the ones they didn't want to keep was the one being worked on at Lilly in Cranberry Township. The big boss came into town on Friday and layed the entire Lilly staff off at their Cranberry Township office. I had to watch as these people packed up their stuff and left the building. I didn't know how to feel, I had always been the one leaving and never thought about being one of the ones left behind. Friday, we were left to wonder if we would have a job at the end of next week. I started cleaning out my desk - the guys think I'm crazy - I am just trying to emotionally prepare myself like I had before. The big wigs called a meeting to let us know that the new company was still going to use us, but they weren't sure at what capacity. I am sitting here worried for myself and worried for those people that may not have a job at the end of next week. I think about the guys whose wives don't work, how will they support themselves? I know from experience that it always seems like the sun will never rise in the morning, but when it finally does, it always shines brighter than ever before.
Things always happen for a reason, as I learned. The first layoff didn't affect me, but the second did. I questioned myself and my abilities as an employee. I also questioned whether or not I deserved to have another good job. I really had to take a step back and evaluate myself before I was able to take a step forward.
This coming week is going to be a test, one which I hope I pass. Either way, the trip has been fun. Will I continue down the path I am on, or will I be lead down another path? Each path will make me stronger, I am sure of that. I am fortunate in that I have two careers I can fall back on, Marketing and QA. Some people don't have that sort of opportunity and I am blessed that I do.
Monday, September 27, 2004
You gotta have friends
The past month has brought me to the next point in my life. At 35, I never thought I would be without my oldest friend. He was lost in a freak accident on August , and life hasn't been the same.
I remember the last time I spoke with Pete. I was sitting on the beach in North Carolina after Hurricane Charley came through. Pete had called the house to let us know he was fine, and I wanted to call him back to let him know we had made it through the hurricane also. We didn't talk about much, just that he helped Stephanie out by boarding up her house and letting she and her son stay with him. Pete was always a kind soul... Anyway, I told him how scared I was about driving through all that rain, then to get to the beach and see the waves crashing into the shore - amazing how nature works. When I talked to him that night, I told him I would call when I got home. A week later he was gone and I never got to talk to him again.
When I think about him, many words come to mind: laughter, annoyed, broke, sarcastic, and hero among others. Pete could always make me laugh, even when he was annoyed at someone. I think he tried to much to be liked, I am the same way, which is why I think we got along so well. I can't really remember when we met, he's just always been there. I know we were on the yearbook and newspaper staffs as photographers, and it was a natural friendship. We were always comfortable with each other, we were "just there" for each other. Through out High School, we were inseparable. When the tornado of 85 hit, he picked me up and took me out to take photo's. I have this one of him where he's turned sideways looking at me with the camera around his neck. I will always see him that way.
Pete was instrumental in teaching me to drive. He had this little blue Cheville and we would go out after school on the back roads of Cranberry Township (when they were back roads). There he would teach me how to stay out of ditches and drive on two wheels :) When the Cheville had seen better days (no doubt thanks to me), his parents bought him a blue Cavalier. We would drive to all the SVTV events together and go for runs to BK in his car. I can't tell you how many times he picked me up for school and dropped me off, he was always there. When it came time for Prom, a group of us went together, it was better that way.
When we went off to college, He was never more than a phone call away. We kept in touch through letters and calls. My first year at school, he brought a group of people up to Edinboro to spend the night, then take us skiing the next day. That night, we rented a VCR and one of the guys had brought a porn tape (my brother I think), anyway after laughing at the tape, we took the VCR back to the store and forgot to take the tape out. What a hoot...
After school, we went our different ways, but always stayed in touch. He would always call when he was coming into town. I would pick him up at the airport and this was "our" time. We would catch up with each other, then bitch about things that were annoying us. He was the only person I could talk to when I was having issues with my husband. He would listen, then give advice about what it's like on the other side of the fence, always making me see my husbands side of things. At least once while he was in town for a visit, he would come to my house for dinner. I always loved these times, we would sit for hours and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes we would get drunk, then laugh and giggle for hours over nothing. Other times, we would hang out and watch a movie. The last time I saw Pete, he was at my house. We had ordered pizza and Sue and I were making fun of him because he didn't have any money to help pay for the pizza. I think he was a little upset that we were picking on him, I picked up on this and told him that if we didn't love him, we wouldn't pick on him. I hope he knew how much he meant to me, and how much I love him.
It took him dying to meet his girlfriend. After she left, my husband questioned why he never brought her around. Talking with her, she and I both agree that he wanted to keep his two "lives" separate from each other. This thinking has made me think of my own life. I had friends that I tried to keep from my husband, not that he would dislike them, but it gave me some of my own individuality, something of my own. I wonder if this is how Pete felt?
I also had another loss the day Pete died. Another one of my dearest friends showed his true colors. When I most needed someone to talk to about Pete, Tim wouldn't return my calls. I tried his cell phone, his number at work, and to no avail, he wouldn't call me back. I would have tried him at home, but his wife would have freaked, she thinks we're having some 3000 mile torrid love affair - yeah right... When I finally got a hold of him, I felt like I was talking to some acquaintance that I hadn't seen since 1995. He was cold and distant, not the person I have known for the better part of my life.
Tim and I had an interesting friendship, we would talk usually about work and computers, as he is an excellent computer specialist and I am a closet geek. I always valued his opinion on things, and he never steered me wrong. Tim was the reason, I am so good at my job. Over the past three or four years, he and I had grown apart and we weren't as close as we used to be. I think this had to do with the jealousy that his wife had for me. I understand that she was hurt in a previous relationship, but Tim loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. I personally think she is insecure in their marriage. I guess I'll never know, as I have never met her, and all the information I have about her is from him.
The last time I saw him, he asked me not to call him unless of an emergency. I felt like this was the final straw, what type of friendship did we have that I had to rely on him to call me? From that last phone call, I guess it wasn't a friendship made of respect. I made up my mind that I was done, I didn't need that kind of shit from a so called friend. I haven't talked to him since Pete died, and I have no plans to call him. It's his loss, and it's time I spend my time with people that really care about me for me.
On a final note, I have the best husband. He is always there for me, even when I disappoint him. He makes me happy and laughs at my attempts at humor, isn't that really all we can ask for?
To Pete, I will always love you my friend - I will never forget your laugh :)
To Tim, good luck with your life, you deserve the best.
To Gordy - Babe, you are my rock and I love you!
I remember the last time I spoke with Pete. I was sitting on the beach in North Carolina after Hurricane Charley came through. Pete had called the house to let us know he was fine, and I wanted to call him back to let him know we had made it through the hurricane also. We didn't talk about much, just that he helped Stephanie out by boarding up her house and letting she and her son stay with him. Pete was always a kind soul... Anyway, I told him how scared I was about driving through all that rain, then to get to the beach and see the waves crashing into the shore - amazing how nature works. When I talked to him that night, I told him I would call when I got home. A week later he was gone and I never got to talk to him again.
When I think about him, many words come to mind: laughter, annoyed, broke, sarcastic, and hero among others. Pete could always make me laugh, even when he was annoyed at someone. I think he tried to much to be liked, I am the same way, which is why I think we got along so well. I can't really remember when we met, he's just always been there. I know we were on the yearbook and newspaper staffs as photographers, and it was a natural friendship. We were always comfortable with each other, we were "just there" for each other. Through out High School, we were inseparable. When the tornado of 85 hit, he picked me up and took me out to take photo's. I have this one of him where he's turned sideways looking at me with the camera around his neck. I will always see him that way.
Pete was instrumental in teaching me to drive. He had this little blue Cheville and we would go out after school on the back roads of Cranberry Township (when they were back roads). There he would teach me how to stay out of ditches and drive on two wheels :) When the Cheville had seen better days (no doubt thanks to me), his parents bought him a blue Cavalier. We would drive to all the SVTV events together and go for runs to BK in his car. I can't tell you how many times he picked me up for school and dropped me off, he was always there. When it came time for Prom, a group of us went together, it was better that way.
When we went off to college, He was never more than a phone call away. We kept in touch through letters and calls. My first year at school, he brought a group of people up to Edinboro to spend the night, then take us skiing the next day. That night, we rented a VCR and one of the guys had brought a porn tape (my brother I think), anyway after laughing at the tape, we took the VCR back to the store and forgot to take the tape out. What a hoot...
After school, we went our different ways, but always stayed in touch. He would always call when he was coming into town. I would pick him up at the airport and this was "our" time. We would catch up with each other, then bitch about things that were annoying us. He was the only person I could talk to when I was having issues with my husband. He would listen, then give advice about what it's like on the other side of the fence, always making me see my husbands side of things. At least once while he was in town for a visit, he would come to my house for dinner. I always loved these times, we would sit for hours and talk about anything and everything. Sometimes we would get drunk, then laugh and giggle for hours over nothing. Other times, we would hang out and watch a movie. The last time I saw Pete, he was at my house. We had ordered pizza and Sue and I were making fun of him because he didn't have any money to help pay for the pizza. I think he was a little upset that we were picking on him, I picked up on this and told him that if we didn't love him, we wouldn't pick on him. I hope he knew how much he meant to me, and how much I love him.
It took him dying to meet his girlfriend. After she left, my husband questioned why he never brought her around. Talking with her, she and I both agree that he wanted to keep his two "lives" separate from each other. This thinking has made me think of my own life. I had friends that I tried to keep from my husband, not that he would dislike them, but it gave me some of my own individuality, something of my own. I wonder if this is how Pete felt?
I also had another loss the day Pete died. Another one of my dearest friends showed his true colors. When I most needed someone to talk to about Pete, Tim wouldn't return my calls. I tried his cell phone, his number at work, and to no avail, he wouldn't call me back. I would have tried him at home, but his wife would have freaked, she thinks we're having some 3000 mile torrid love affair - yeah right... When I finally got a hold of him, I felt like I was talking to some acquaintance that I hadn't seen since 1995. He was cold and distant, not the person I have known for the better part of my life.
Tim and I had an interesting friendship, we would talk usually about work and computers, as he is an excellent computer specialist and I am a closet geek. I always valued his opinion on things, and he never steered me wrong. Tim was the reason, I am so good at my job. Over the past three or four years, he and I had grown apart and we weren't as close as we used to be. I think this had to do with the jealousy that his wife had for me. I understand that she was hurt in a previous relationship, but Tim loves her and would never do anything to hurt her. I personally think she is insecure in their marriage. I guess I'll never know, as I have never met her, and all the information I have about her is from him.
The last time I saw him, he asked me not to call him unless of an emergency. I felt like this was the final straw, what type of friendship did we have that I had to rely on him to call me? From that last phone call, I guess it wasn't a friendship made of respect. I made up my mind that I was done, I didn't need that kind of shit from a so called friend. I haven't talked to him since Pete died, and I have no plans to call him. It's his loss, and it's time I spend my time with people that really care about me for me.
On a final note, I have the best husband. He is always there for me, even when I disappoint him. He makes me happy and laughs at my attempts at humor, isn't that really all we can ask for?
To Pete, I will always love you my friend - I will never forget your laugh :)
To Tim, good luck with your life, you deserve the best.
To Gordy - Babe, you are my rock and I love you!
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