Argh... It's the holidays and I am frustrated.

It sure has been an odd couple of months. I haven't written because I don't think anyone is reading this - it's like an old song that says "is anybody out there." Oh well, here I am anyway, writing because I can get some stuff off my chest.

Christmas came and went and I only had one cranky moment. This came when my stepson Ben came around. He just got his record expunged and brought his underage girlfriend to the house. I think this girl is really nice, but I don't understand how some peoples parents can let a teenager do what this girl is doing. Ben, my stepson, is 20. His girlfriend is a Junior in high school, so I am assuming she is 16 or 17. We have never been told an exact age, but one can only assume the worst since they have been dating for a year and a half. Anyway, his mother and her parents see nothing wrong with letting them spend the night at each others house. I have no idea if they sleep in the same bed, but I would think there is some sneaking around going on in those houses.

When I was her age, my parents would have had a fit if I even suggested that a male friend spend the night or that I spend the night at their house. I respected my parents and I would never have done something that would make them lose respect in me. Is this type of carrying on typical of teenagers and parents today? I guess what concerns me the most is that he just got out of trouble for doing something stupid and the risk he is taking by playing with a minor is just beyond me. If for some reason, her parents get mad at him or God forbid he gets her pregnant and someone wants to press charges, he will be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life. Even though the sex was consensual, he will have to register with the police wherever he goes. Is it really worth it?

This whole scenario has been the topic of some heated conversations at home. Gordon and I both agree that he should start dating someone with more of a goal than finishing high school in the next two years. Get a college girl with some experience and enjoy the college scene, not hanging out going to the high school homecoming dance. Even her, enjoy high school. Society has put enough pressures on kids without having a boyfriend in the mix. I wonder if she still has any female friends. Since they are seriously dating I doubt she does. This make me sad. I can see her growing to resent Ben because she missed out on a lot in school.

Anyway, we agree on that, but he doesn't think he has a right to say anything to Ben. In my opinion he is afraid to say anything because he doesn't want to alienate him. Well, Ben has been around twice in the past year - so who cares.

We pay all the interest on his student loans, but don't get to see the grades. I just don't get it. It was the same way when the boys were younger, Gordon didn't say anything for fear of them not wanting to see him. Between him and their mother, I don't know which one was more immature about the whole thing. She told the kids that their father didn't know what he was talking about even though he was the one with the college degree and she finished high school with a child on her hip, not his thank God - sorry I didn't mean to be so bitchity...

Maybe I am just angry, I avoid the whole topic of the kids because that avoids a fight. Why am I going through all this avoidance? Is it that I am angry at myself for not forcing the issue of having kids, or is it that I am angry at him for not letting me live a little when I was younger? I love the life I have, but I would have liked to have dated more, traveled more and partied more when I was younger. Instead I got married at 21 and had an instant family. Maybe I would be more understanding with his kids if we would have had children as well. I think sometimes I am less patient because of this.

Oh well, enough of that. I just get going and have no idea when to stop.

I think a lot of what I am thinking goes back to the loss I had this year. I have been doing some soul searching since Peter passed away and have come to terms with issues in my life. I am no longer hounding Gordy about a baby. If he wants me to have his child, he'll let me know. Although this is an unlikely scenario, it still may happen. I no longer bitch often to my parents about my brother and his, oh so perfect, life. He and his wife can do whatever they choose, I am happy and that's all that matters. I no longer pine to talk with Tim, although I do have my moments. I have spoken with him once in four months, this is the longest "Tim free" streak I've had since I met him. I have started to get more vocal at work about things, especially the couple dating at the office. They are the most miserable people and never have a smile on their faces - one would think that if they are that in love they should at least be smiling. I also have a little crush on one of the maintenance guys in my building. I know his name and that he isn't the best looking guy in the world, but I find him appealing and he has really great eyes. I told Gordy about this crush and he laughs - at least I am comfortable enough in my marriage that I can tell my husband about this.

Oh well, I'm off to read a book. This is the first time in months that I've had the time to do something for me.

Ta Ta For Now - m