I was thinking the other day how weird it is that the majority of my friends don't have kids, in fact, most aren't even married. What will happen to us when we get old, I would hope we would all be living together taking care of each other - what a hoot, a bunch of old men and women, not married to each other hanging out having a good time.
This brings to the next topic. Gordy and I have been talking about having a baby. It's more him than me and I used to think I would jump at the chance to have a baby, but I am not so sure right now. I am probably at the best place I could be at in my life to make the "baby" commitment, but I am still hesitating. Is it that I can't imagine being a Mom? I think I would be great at it. Am I really afraid of commitment? Or am I looking at things the wrong way, I think I am afraid of F*ing up someone elses life. I look at his kids and wonder how much better off they would have been without me in their Dad's life.
I haven't been the best step mom a person could be, or should be. I always wanted them to like me, but yet I felt I was always in competition with them for Gordy's attention. He told me early on in our relationship that if there was ever a choice, it would be them. I agree with this wholeheartedly and this is the way it should be. I wish I would have been given the opportunity to help with the raising of the kids. Yes, I was here and I tried to instill work ethics, study habits and the such, but I could never say anything without the fear of their Mom freaking on me. Looking back, I should have been more involved, but I had my own life and things I wanted to do. This is all wrong on so many levels, am I a bad person for not being more involved? In some respects, I feel like he and I have led separate lives while being in the same home. He was always the parent, trying to help them out anyway he could. When Ben got in trouble, Gordy came to the rescue and made sure he wasn't thrown out of school. When Jon needed a vehicle, Gordy co-signed for the loan. He may not have lived in the same house as them, but there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of them and want them here with us. I, on the other hand, love them, but don't understand the whole parent child thing from the parents point of view.
This may have something to do with my Mom, yeah her again. She never wanted to treat them like grandchildren, since they aren't her "flesh and blood". In her opinion, since Gordy and I don't have kids together, anything that is mine when I die should be reverted back to MY family. His kids shouldn't get anything of mine - "they won't appreciate it." I think she is way off base with this. I have stipulated that any physical object that I received from a family member be returned to that side of the family, but who cares about the cash, they can have it all. And besides, what does any of this matter two hundred years from now?
Oops, I guess I went off on a tangent... I am still questioning whether or not to have a baby. I don't know if it's a trust issue or what, but I want more communication. Yeah, Gordy and I can finish each other sentences, but he doesn't tell me everything, especially when it comes to the kids. He co-signed for a loan on Jon's truck, Jon would give us the money and Gordy would write the check. The truck was to be paid for this month and we paid the loan off early, which Jon didn't know about - he was to get the title when we got the last of the money from him. I had to get into the safe deposit box the other day and Gordy asked me to put the title into the box. Me being me, asked why wasn't Jon getting it. To my surprise, Jon hadn't been giving us his payment for months now, I was never told. I have really tried to not get mad about stuff like this, but I felt betrayed and not trusted. When he told me Jon hadn't been paying, I felt like someone had dropped something heavy on my chest. Is this what it's like to be a parent where the kid plays the ends against the middle? Do I really want to feel this way with my own child?
No matter what I decide, I need to make the decision soon. The biological clock is ticking and the alarm is going to go off soon.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Pondering the thought of having a baby is always scary. To know you are responsible for a life and teaching it morals, values and survival, is a big step, one you can't take lightly, but don't let it deterre you from having one. The relationship you have with a child of your own is very different from a step child. Its too bad Pete can't share his thoughts with you on this. When the kids don't live with you, frustrations mount because while you want to be a part of their life and influence them you don't always feel you have "permission" to do that. Not permission from the real parents, but permission from life.
Don't base your experiences of parenthood on your the way things have gone with your stepkids. Your own child is much different. You will be suprised at how natural things come to you. A "mothers instinct" is truely there in us. When you see that baby for the first time...... all the nec knowledge just seems to come. And while they grow up....always talk to them, share with them, be slow to anger, and when they come to you with a problem....listen. Teach them about the reality of life in little doses and make them responsible......these will build the foundation to a wonderful relationship. Be prepared for tears, troublesome situations, and occasional pain....... but you will find it all worth while.
Post a Comment