Music and Boxes

It's been a month since I have written anything, though there have been many "mind" blogs written in my head in that time. I have really found this theraputic.

A week and a half ago I got a CD from a friend of mine. It contained a song she had written about our friend Pete. I had the CD for three days before I could muster up the courage to listen. I'm not sure if I am still in denial or what. Sometimes I find myself picking up the phone to call him and I have to catch myself. I missed the birthday call this year and the fact that my Dad forgot it was my birthday, I must say it was a pretty depressing day. I can forgive Dad, he had a stroke and his mind isn't what it used to be, but I find it hard not to be angry at Pete. I know these type of thoughts should have gone away by now, it's been five months, but I can go for a week or two and think I'm fine. Then BANG, I see something or hear a song and I'm pissed that he's no longer with us. I find myself listening to music that he liked or that he gave me, DePeche Mode. I constantly listen to the CD that was playing the last time I picked him up at the airport - Coldplay, a rush of blood to the head - he loved the piano playing on the CD and wanted a copy of it.

I got box yesterday from Steph. It had some pictures from when Pete was younger, a letter from me when we were Freshman at college, a cancelled check that was made out to me, a picture of Kim, Pete and I at graduation and our Prom pictures. It felt so weird to have these items in my hands again. I had touched some of these things more than 15 years ago and now here they are again. I found this ironic and sort of sad, like our lives and friendship had come full circle and there is no where else to go but forward - alone with the thoughts of all the fun we had when we were together.