I was on my way into the office this morning, yeah it's Saturday but I have a ton of stuff to get caught up on, and I was thinking about how happy I am. I know this sounds strange, but in the past I have been stressed out, depressed and miserable. I am really happy, I have a husband who tells me all the time how beautiful he finds me and how much he loves me, and I have a pretty great family and there is no stress there at this time.
So I was thinking about what caused these bouts of depression in my life over the past few years. There are the obvious things like Pete passing on and family troubles, either with Gordy's kids or my nutty family. But the biggest thing that caused my depressive episodes was TIM. Sounds strange that someone's friend can cause something like this to happen, but it's true. I would talk to him on the phone and when I would hang up, I would be sad and I don't know why. I would see him and the depression would last for weeks.
Looking back on it, it was like a part of me went with him everytime we said bye. I don't know if I ever got over our relationship before I moved on and maybe that was a part of it, I don't know.
The past year has been really rough on my with losing Pete and Tim telling me not to call him anymore. With Pete, it was hard because I couldn't flog him for being so stupid. With Tim, it was hard because I could pick up the phone and call, then I would be mad at myself for doing it - there comes that downer again.
Just thinking about him gives me a panic attack and ache to call him. My heart is beating fast and I have to keep myself from pressing speedial 4 on my cellphone. In spite of all this... he is still on my speedial - man am I screwed up when it comes to him.
I need to get started on all that work, I have a ton to do and all this talk about him is bringing me down. I am better than that to let something like this keep me down for long :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Some people we meet seem to just get inside us and there is no way to let go until you figure out what it is that keeps you holding on to them. When you figure out the key, you can unlock yourself from them.
You are so right. He has this hold on me that won't let go. If I ever see him again, we really need to have a long heart to heart, then go our separate ways. Who knows, maybe he feels the same way about me - wouldn't that be funny.
Post a Comment