Thanks to a teacher.

I had a dream last night about an old teacher of mine. His name is Jim Beck and he was my Visual Communications teacher in 7th grade and taught graphic arts when I was in 9th grade.

Mr. Beck was one of the first teachers that made an impact in my life. His classes were fun and he really related to the students. This may have something to do with him graduating from the same school we were in, or that he was fresh out of college.

I remember the first time I met him. It was the second semester in 7th grade, 9th period, the last of the day. I walked in the room and it was "like" at first site. He looked just the guy the played "The Greatest American Hero."

He was nice, and us pimply nosed kids learned how to make really cool things. He had us design a stand (for lack of a better word) that we had to make out of manilla folders. This stand had to have "cells" in it like a bees nest and the end result would be that we would set weights on top of it and see how much weight it could hold. It was amazing that something made of manilla could withstand a 100 pound anvil.

That year, he and I become friends. At least as much as a teacher and student could. He would write me passes to come down to the technology area and I would hang out with the "gang" which were comprised of other teachers and students. I would grade papers and work on projects for the school. I call this the beginning of my brown nose years :)

As I went into 8th grade, I continued with "hanging out" with the gang, even though I didn't have Mr. Beck for class. This was the only place in school that I felt wanted, needed and appreciated.

9th grade was a blast for me, yeah I had him for class, but this is were I learned darkroom techniques. He taught us how to develop black and white photos, as well as color slides. He taught us the meaning of working hard for things you believe in and never selling yourself short.

I remember him coming to me one day to ask my opinion about something. He had been offered a job in Colorado with a firm, he wanted to know if he should take it. Heck Yeah!!! Yes, he could always fall back on teaching, but this was the opportunity of a life time. Off he went at the end of my 9th year in school. The day he said goodbye to me, he gave me his prized hockey stick, which I still have.

I think I saw him one other time after that and got a few letters, though I heard from others what had happened to him. He got married and went to Colorado. He was there for a couple years and left his wife. He moved to Bucks County, PA and started teaching again. He got married again and has a couple kids.

Anyhow, this man made an impact in my life. He made me appreciate art and school. He is one of the reasons I am graduating from grad school in two weeks. I want to thank him for that - so thanks Mr. Beck for making me the person I am today.

Cell Phones, Respect and What the Heck are People Thinking...

I am probably showing my age with this post, but at 37 I feel I have a right to gripe about this topic - talking on a cell phone at the library.

I have pretty much stopped going to the library at school because of the noise, yes, I said noise. The library at Point Park is beautiful. It's in an old bank with three story high ceilings and the acoustics that belong in a concert hall.

Last weekend I was sitting at the back of the library near the vault (way cool room to study in by the way.) and I could hear the conversations taking place at the front door. The building is approximately 3/4 of a city block deep, so this was a long way for the voices to carry. I can deal with all that, but what happened next shocked me. The girl at the next table whips out her phone and starts a 10 minute conversation with someone. Ugh... I am here to study, not listen to phone conversations.

Yesterday I was going to meet Mom for lunch north of where I live, I thought I would go to the library at Slippery Rock, my Alma Mater. I never had too many problems with noise when I studied there before, that is until yesterday. All was quiet in the stacks and I had whipped through two chapters of the advertising psych book I was reading when I heard music. It sounded twingy, like someone had a pair of ear buds shoved in their ears with the music turned up way too loud. After a couple minutes the music stopped and I could hear a one way conversation. This twenty something was talking on a cell phone. Again, this went on for about 10 minutes then she shut up.

Here's my gripe. If you're gonna go to the library, turn the damn phone off or go in the lobby to talk. There are people there for a reason and that is not to hear a one sided conversation while trying to study.

Have the youth in our society lost all respect for others or have they never been taught to be quiet in a place like the library? Are we such a self centered society that no one else matters but me and what my needs are at a particular moment?

Maybe I am a little old fashioned, but I was brought up to be respectful of others no matter how different they are from myself. I was taught to help others when they are down and need a helping hand. And I was taught that when in the library to keep quiet and when speaking, keep it at a whisper.

Enough griping, I'm off to the library where I hope it will be a little more quiet than it was yesterday :)

Jumpin' JJ

Here's the bouncy seat shot from this weekend - oh he loves this thing :)

The Little Guy

I can't believe he's five months old. JJ is ready to rock and roll in his bouncy seat. He's holding his head up and got the "I just want to go" pose ready for that moment.

Here are some pics from our babysitting adventure a couple weeks ago...

Enjoy

Calming Down

Over the past three months I have been in a tizzy about soeing some wild oats. I even had someone interested in being the soeie.

Anyway, Gordy and I talked about it three weeks ago. I finally got up the courage to tell him what I was feeling. Needless to say, he was shocked.

I let it all out, held nothing back and felt a wave of relief wash over me when it was done.

He had many questions, specifically about the soeie, and he got truthful answers. We had kissed but it never went any further than that.

After spending an entire weekend discussing this situation, we both realized that we had drifted apart and needed to come back together.

I admit that he was driving me nuts. I knew I was loved, but he had a strange way of showing it. He wasn't very communicative about certain things, especially about his job and the kids.

I on the other hand wasn't showing him the love and respect that he needed.

I feel incredibly sorry for what I almost did to our marriage and I am working on getting his trust back - this will take a long time. I am also working on my self esteem - which has been gone for awhile.

The hardest part of this thing is seeing the soeie a couple times a week at work. It's not like he works for the same company, but he is in the same building. When I see him, my stomach no longer flutters, but I still have this need to be his friend. I know it sounds really strange, but I feel like I will always have this connection with him even though nothing more than a kiss happened.

When I talked to Gordy about the soeie, he was shocked that I would give everything up for a man that I could never see myself with. Yeah, strange. This guy is really nice, but he is so not my type. He is very opinionated about people that are gay or lesbian - how can they be like that, it's just wrong. He is also very insecure with himself. I don't think that he can live without a woman in his life. It doesn't matter if they don't get along - he wants to know that there is someone there when he gets home. Me, I like my independence. I can be by myself if I have to be, it's not the end of the world to be alone.

Oh well, at least I came to my senses, calmed down and am getting on with life. I look forward to going home and spending time with Gordy. It's been awhile since I have felt that way.

Gotta run, I have someone to meet at home :)

Outdone by a Pro

I was sitting at my desk today when Trevor came over and said "Bill Penberthy is coming to the office tomorrow to take the executives photo's." I must have had a perplexed look on my face.

I asked "why?"

T, "We did some work for him and he was extremely happy. Because of this he went on the web site and thought our exec pictures needed redone." I'm sure there was more to the sentence, but this is what I heard

This is where I felt like I had been kicked. I took the exec pictures and I thought I did a half way decent job with my $200 digital camera. Don't ya think

Oh well, so the best photographer, who I idolized as a kid, is coming to the office tomorrow. I guess it isn't so bad, it could be worse. Oh heck, I'll enjoy it as much as the exec's.

I guess if you have to be outdone, it might as well be with the local professional.

Analyze This!!!

I am happily married, have been for 16 years. In the last three months, I have wanted something more - what I have no idea.

I met my husband when I was 18, I had never been with anyone before him. I never really had a boyfriend - you could count Tim, but he was in the Navy 500 miles away, does that really count?

Anyhow, I have this urge all the sudden to go sow some wild oats. I want to go out, have some fun. Meet new people and just enjoy myself.

What is wrong with me? I love my husband - he treats me like a princess, he takes care of me and yet, right now it's not enough. Why can't I just accept what I have and be happy?

Will this week ever be over?

I have had a bad week, which started at the end of last week. I am blown away with school right now. I spend all weekend studying and still don't understand stuff in my research class. - I'm just frustrated.

This weekend entailed studying, babysitting, cleaning and playing host to Gordon's sister. None of this bothered me, except that I know I need to be doing other things - like studying more.

Work has been chaotic. We have a "goLive" with a new product next week and I have been testing like crazy. Of course, things that were fixed are now broken - Murphy's Law.

The home life hasn't gotten better, I am PMSing and just need a break. Monday I was in the bathroom getting ready for work, Gordy walked in and said with a snide tone "Pants." This was his way of saying that he couldn't find his pants for work. I had to drop what I was doing and go look for his pants - off to the laundry area, no, then back to the closet - yep. If he would have opened his eyes, he would have found them.

Gordy got a job offer yesterday. The money isn't the best and he isn't sure he's going to take it. I bought him some flowers just to let him know how proud of him I am. So....

Last night I went home and did some homework. At around 8:30 I went out to watch some TV with him. He proceeded to tell me to get a drink, he had something to tell me. A million things were flying through my head - what did Ben do now, he wants a divorce, he was fired from his job. He proceeds to tell me that he didn't want to tell me this, becuase I had been so stressed and he didn't want to pile anymore on - ok Gordy, get to the point.... He said that the place where he worked was being sold and he didn't know if he would have a job in another month.

At this point, I am speechless. Prior to him telling me this, he asked me not to be mad. I have to admit, I was mad but yet releived that he decided not to tell me. He was right, I didn't need that stress of knowing he may not have a job at the end of March.

Thursday and Friday were no better, I found out Friday at 4 that I have to work this weekend - argh...

Friday night I came home and had a serious talk with Gordy. About how I am feeling about the way I am perceiving what he has said to me over the past week or so. After I aired all my grievances, he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night. I really tried to not put him on the defensive, by saying "this is how I feel when you say..." I wasn't critical and I wasn't argumentative, heck I was pretty calm. I probably should have waited to tell him this stuff, but I must say, it was a relief to get it off my shoulders.

When he left this morning, he said bye, not "I Love you," nothing. I guess he is still mad at me.

The way things look right now, it appears that next week will be starting as crappy as this week ended.

A Rose is Just a Rose?

After 16 years of marriage, I finally got flowers on Valentines Day. It started out like every typical day - snuggles and kisses before I padded off to the shower. The only difference was the cards that morning.

When I got to work, I had another card - this time an electronic one. Man, he was really trying to make it a special day this year.

Lunch came and went without a call from the front desk. As I was stuffing a micky d's fry into my mouth, the call came. I needed to go to the receptionists desk - wahoo. As I walked the 100 paces, my palms began to sweat. Was I just getting my hopes up?

I rounded the corner to find all the girls standing there gawking at this beautiful arrangement on the front desk. It was for me...

There were cream and red roses, snap dragons, and orchids along with some odd looking greenary (sp). They have been sitting on my desk all week and looking great. They smell so nice, I wish it could smell like this all the time.

The answer to the question is - no, these roses are special, from someone special. Someone who adores me and knew they would mean the world to me.

Thanks Honey - you make my world go 'round.

Wild Hair - Quick Quip

Lisa, the networking person, has wild hair. There isn't a day where her hair is done "presentable." Today it's the worst I have ever seen it. It looks like she stuck her head in a blender and blew her hair dry.

I would never walk out of the house with my hair looking that bad. It's almost as if she doesn't take any pride in the way she looks.

Valentines

With the impending Valentines holiday coming up, I was thinking about what a depressing day it is for me.

These feelings stem from junior high school - yeah I need to get over it - and the fact that I never had a special guy in my life. I was always a tomboy. My male friends treated me like one of the boys, like a sister, but never anyone they would consider going out with. I never had a problem with this except on Valentines Day.

In junior high, the class sold carnations to raise money for dances and such. They always sold the carnations for Valantines Day and I never got one. All the "pretty" girls had them, in some cases, dozens from admirers. I found this quite depressing.

Not that I was really interested in dating, but I think it was an ego thing. You know, someone paying attention to me (you think I'm high maintenance?). I wanted to feel special.

This continued into high school, college and even into married life. Flowers were a rare occurance in my life...

I understand that roses are expensive on Valentines day. They don't last long and it's like throwing money down the drain. But, to me and at this time in my life, it isn't about the money, it's the thought.

It's about this one little thing - showing everyone else that you love me. I know that I am the world to you, you tell me everyday in everything you do. What is it about flowers and Valentines Day that gets me in such a tizzy?

Question of the Day

Is there anything wrong with pure raw sex, just for the hell of it?

This is JUST a question, nothing more...

Yeah - I finally Heard It

How long have I been bitching about hearing someone other than my husband say they found me attractive? At least a year and to me, there was no end in site.

Until today that is. My Crush and I were walking in the hallway, and had stopped to talk about the bike ride last week. Out of the blue, he said I looked good today. Ok, I definately blushed at this, he is the first person in almost 20 years besides my husband to tell me that. I could have melted into the wall. Man, he really knew how to make my knees go weak.

I'm beginning to think that he may have a crush on me - wouldn't that be funny?

Riding without a helmet

This is something I would never have considered doing - until today. It was in the mid 50's and I was in a "funk." Since my birthday, I have been doing things I never would have considered doing before.

Anyhow, I saw that Bruce had brought his bike to work today. I have been saying for a year and a half that I wanted to go for a ride, not having the nerve to ask.

Kelli and I were talking about it and she said, "just ask" the worst that's going to happen is that he'll say no. I told her I was a chicken shit, then walked out the door to the restroom.

As I rounded the corner, I heard the familiar sound of keys behind me. I turned around and there were Rocco and Bruce.

"Hi Guys"

"Hi Margie"

And here it is... "So when do I get a ride on that bike of yours?"

As the out of body experience continued, he replied, "Right Now."

"Really?"

"No, but I get done at 3:30. We can go then."

So on this warm February day I went for a bike ride sans helmet. My father would have freaked, Gordy would ask "What the hell were you thinking?" And my friends would have been disappointed in me. I am smarter than that and I definitely know better.

I had a blast, a day I will never forget. I made a new friend, I bought him a beer, I rode in the rain and had a great time.

He told me that his wife had died three years ago and that he still misses her, they were married 28 years. He's seeing someone right now, though I had the feeling that wasn't going anywhere.

The most ironic thing about the ride was when he dropped me off. He said to me, "You know what my wife's name was?"

"No."

"Margaret."

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's quite uncanny that his wife's name and mine are so much alike - mine is actually a derivative of Margaret. I wonder what he called her? Maggie, Meg, Peg or Margie...

Please slap me out of this...

I had a drink with Trevor last week and we had an interesting talk about love and life.

He is in a new relationship and he is finding it hard to understand how someone could fall for him. This was really hard for me to hear since I had fallen for him over 20 years ago. Anyhoo... He told me that, since being an adult, he has been the one pursuing and that all his relationships have been one sided - his. He has spent a lot of time trying to woo women and to no avail he is still single.

I have been thinking about his dilemma and I can see where he is coming from. If I was not married to Gordon, would I be single? I'm not sure that anyone would find me intersting enough to date, let alone marry. I know this sounds like I am insecure - which I am - but I really wonder what my life would have been like had I not met Gordon.

Would Trevor and I have finally hooked up? Would I have fallen head over heals for Scott? And what about Tim? All of these guys liked me, but it was pretty much one sided on my part.

I am probably feeling like this because my birthday was this week and I am depressed. For once I would like someone, other than my husband, to tell me they find me attractive. Right now I really don't feel that way, I am overweight and feel really ugly. Yeah, I put on a smiling face when I am around people, but that is just to make up for the fact that I am overweight. It's like over compensation for being undercompensated in the looks department.

Excuses

As I stood in line at the funeral home with my brother, I was waiting for the question to come. "Do you have any kids?"

We were at the funeral of my Aunt Betty, great aunt that is. She was a wonderful happy woman whose life was cut short by 15 years.

Aunt Betty and Uncle Ardell where a match made in heaven. They danced, had fun and were in love until the day he died. That was 11 years ago and Betty never stopped loving him. They have a big family and to say they are prolific isn't giving them justice.

So when Greg and I were standing in line waiting to speak with Heidi, one of the grandchildren, I was nervous. I was getting that - let me ramble on about nothing - feeling.

Gordon and I don't have any kids, and at this point I really don't think that's in the cards for us. I think this is due to a number of things - 1) me not wanting or having the courage to be a single parent. 2) Being to "me" oriented to give up my individuality long enough to become a parent. 3) Gordon wanting to retire early and if we have kids at this point, that won't happen.

Greg on the other hand has been trying to have kids with his wife, Kelli, for awhile. They just can't seem to get pregnant. Greg would make an incredible father, he is loving and a lot of fun. All the neighborhood kids love being around him. Kelli on the other hand would be a "you watch the kid" kind of mother. She likes to have fun and get things her way. It's not to say that she couldn't change, but I really don't think she would.

That being said, I go to these things and I am often asked if I have any kids. I then have to come up with some excuse why I don't. The one I give the most is, "We're still practicing, when we get it right, we'll have kids." Oh the look on peoples faces.

It's after this that I start to feel inadequate, then ask the question to myself. Does it make us a better person to have procreated? Is this the sole reason for being put on this planet? Why do we have to justify our decisions to strangers?

I know people use this question as an icebreaker, but I am tired of giving excuses...

Quick Quip

The office park where I work is great, there are over 2 miles of walking paths that are blacktopped and taken care of in the winter.

So why is it that people insist on jogging and running on the road? They do it at lunch and after work. I'm all about excercise, but why can't they use the area meant for this activity?

Remembering Pete

Before my friend, Pete, passed on last year, I saw him three or four times a year. I would pick him up at the airport and drop him off at his Mom's in Zelie. While he was home, we would get together for a nice evening out or I would cook dinner.

It was during these visits that I got the feeling that his Mom didn't like him spending time with me. I think she wanted him all to herself while he was home. I totally understand where she was coming from, as I would have probably felt the same way.

I always thought that she was too possesive of him. You could call her high maintenance. When she asks for something, she wants it done right away - no exceptions and never mind what else was going on.

The last time I saw his mom was in August when Stephanie was in town for a visit. While we were there, she told us to go through some things of his, as she was going to throw away anything that we didn't take.

Steph and I looked at the room full of stuff and took photo's, communion certificates and other things. The photo's were of events that were milestones in Pete's life - graduation from high school and college, senior pictures, shots of him uniform.

At the time, I was hurt and upset by her actions. In my mind, she was removing any trace of Pete's existence on this planet. To her, it was like he was never born. She was the same way when her husband died - get rid of everything and pretend it never happened.

I am not sure if this is a culture thing since they were from Chile, but I always thought it was odd.

Anyhow, I sent a Christmas card to both Mrs. Solis and her friend Pat. I got a return card from Pat, and I was surprised with the "years happenings" letter. She mentioned Mrs. Solis and her big move from Zelienople to Butler to a new condo.

I knew Mrs. Solis was to move sometime in the Fall, but I didn't know that it happened. I guess I would expected a call or a change of address note.

When I called Sue to ask her about it, she had no idea either. Considering Sue did a lot for Mrs. Solis, I would have thought she would have known.

My thoughts on this: She's running from the past - she no longer has anything in her life to remind her of Joaquin or Peter. The house, the pictures and the friends are no longer of interest to her. Out of sight - out of mind.

Fortunately Peter will live on through his tried and true friends: Steph, Sue and I. We will never stop loving him. He will remain with us in our hearts and will always watch over us.

What's in a Name?

This year, I handed out Christmas cards to the people in the office building - the cleaning lady, Jean, and the Maintenance, Rocco and Bruce. There was a reason for this besides being nice, I wanted Bruce to know what my name was. Yeah, I have been waiting for Christmas for months just for this reason - I am so devious...

I planned on putting the cards under the door to Rocco and Bruce's office, but I ran into Jean and knew she had a key and would put them on their desks. I didn't think to much more about it.

About half an hour later, I heard an unfamiliar voice talking with loudmouth Lisa, but I didn't pay to much attention. I went back to work and a moment later, I could feel someone standing behind me. I turn around, there is Bruce.

At first, I am taken back by the fact that he's standing at my desk talking to me. I'm not sure what he wants - is it to thank me for the card? All sorts of weird questions are flying around my head. After what seemed like forever, he asks if I was the one that called in the ceiling leak.

At this point in time, my entire periphrial vision disappeared and all I could see was him. It was like looking through a telephoto lense before taking a portrait of someone.

I gave him my best smile and said, "No, sorry. I haven't heard anything about a ceiling leak."

He said good bye and left. As I sat there gathering my thoughts, I realize how stupid I must have sounded. Then I couldn't concentrate or remember what I was supposed to be doing.

When I finally got back to work after agonizing over what I was working on, I feel someone standing behind me again. Then it happened, he spoke my name.

"Margie, I wanted to thank you for the Card. I was really nice and you didn't have to do that."

The lense just closed in again and it was just him and I. I was bumbling for words and finally came out with, "You guys are always so nice to me, it's the least I can do." I rambled on about something else, then lost eye contact.

He had to have known I was really embarassed, my face must have been 500 different shades of red. He said bye and left.

Looking back on it now I have to smile, my plan worked - He knows my name

Marge - your'e an idiot...

I swear, I am a complete idiot. Give me an inch and I hide in a hole. I was outside getting something from my car at that all important time - you know, when the maintenance man is leaving work. Anyhow, it's almost dark and I know that he's about to come around the corner. I shut the car door and there he is.

"hey, have a nice night."

"yeah, working." was my lame response. Then he stops waiting for me to explain why I am working late.

"Did you work all day."

"Yep. We are working on a big project that's due at the end of December, so I am working a lot of hours."

"Too bad, I hope you at least make some OT."

"Have a nice night."

"You too."

Ugh, as goofy as I act, this guy must know that I have a crush on him. No matter when we talk to him, I turn 10 different shades of red and bumble my words.

It's not like I am available to pursue anything, nor do I really want to. I just enjoy the thrill of the hunt - wow that is wrong on so many levels.

Maybe I want to know if someone, other than my husband, finds me attractive. Is this possible? I would like to think so, but I doubt it.